12/17/05

Somebody from a local charity is going over some files and realizes he hasn't gotten any donations from the most successful lawyer in town.

So the man calls the lawyer and says, "Our records show that you haven't made any donations to us."

The lawyer says, "Well, did your records show that my mom is sick with bills three times her annual income, or that my sister's husband died in an accident which left her penniless with three children, or that my brother is blind and has no money to pay for an aid or a nurse."

"I’m so sorry," replied the man. "I had no idea."

Then the lawyer says, "So, if I don't give any money to them, why would I give any money to you?"

12/15/05

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

They ask, "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

12/14/05

Words Women Use

Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right AND you need to shut up.

Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means “something” and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in “fine.”

Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission. DON’T DO IT!

Do Whatever You Want
This is similar to “Go Ahead” but much worse. It means that, although a woman knows you’re a moron for not doing what she said, she is allowing you to make a complete idiot of yourself, abdicating all responsibility and accountability on her part, and waiting to critique your ignominious failure.

Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing.”

That’s Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you, do not question it. Just say you’re welcome and back out of the room slowly.

12/13/05

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.

The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, “Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?”

“Phew, that one's easy,” says the teacher, “the Titanic.”

“Alright,” said St. Peter, “you may pass.”

Then the thief got his question: “How many died on the Titanic?”

The thief replied, “That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people.” And so he passed through.

Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: “Name them.”

12/12/05

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a fancy costume party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says: "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part."

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads: "Dear Sir, since we have not been able to make you happy, this is our last suggestion, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass, and go as a caramel apple!"

12/11/05

During his sermon one Sunday, the local preacher told his congregation that the entire range of human experience could be found in the Bible. He confidently stated, "If anything can happen to humans, it is described somewhere in the Bible."

After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said, "Reverend, I don't think the Bible mentions anything about PMS."

The preacher told the woman he was certain he could find a reference to PMS somewhere in scripture.

During the following week, he searched diligently, book-by-book, chapter-by-chapter and verse-by-verse.

On the following Sunday, the woman came up to him and asked, "Did you find any references to PMS in the Bible?"

The preacher smiled, opened his Bible and began to read, "... and Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

12/10/05

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat."

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and another.

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

12/9/05

An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

12/8/05

Three men, one German, one Japanese and a Texan were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager, " he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Texan felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows, their eyes fixed on the toilet paper.

The Texan looked back and said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."

12/7/05

A little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself."

"What?" the operator exclaimed.

"I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.

"Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?"

"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!"

12/6/05

Four former US Presidents are caught in a tornado in Kansas, and off they spin to the Land of OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."

"No problem," says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain."

"Done," says the Wizard.

"WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD?"

Up steps George HW Bush, sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I've heard it's true," says the Wizard. "Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY!?"

And Willie replies, "Is Dorothy around?"

12/1/05

A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, “All lawyers are assholes!” He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.

Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, “Take that back.”

The biker says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”

“No, I’m an asshole.”

11/30/05

An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We took an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country was looking for work the next day."

11/29/05

A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady returns.

"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly."

"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

11/28/05

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance," says the husband, “it is 3 o'clock in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing!” replies the drunk.

11/27/05

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above: "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

11/26/05

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was waiting at a taxi stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he placed his suitcase in the car and took a seat next to it.

"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?" asked the taxi driver.

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight.

"No, sir, I have never seen you before."

The puzzled Doyle asked him how he knew he was Conan Doyle.

"This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you're a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. And so, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

Doyle remarked, "This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counterpart to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes."

"There is one other thing," the driver said.

"What is that?"

"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."

11/25/05

Some men in a pickup truck drive to a lumberyard. One of the men walks into the office and says, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asks, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man says, "I'll go check," and goes back to the truck.

He returns shortly and says, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer pauses for a moment and says, "I'd better go check."

After a while, he returns to the office and says, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

11/24/05

11/23/05

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. The husband watches the man tie his wife to the bed and kiss her neck. Then the man goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

11/22/05

George W and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Dubya told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened.

11/21/05

A small, rural West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem, the gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time, redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.

Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to fuck the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."

The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

11/20/05

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship the Lord."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

11/19/05

Young Boudreaux applied for an engineering job way, way up north in Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The manager went up to Boudreaux and said "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the local man the job."

Boudreaux said, "Why you gonna be doin dat sir, we both got 9 questions right?"

The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed."

Boudreaux asked, "An jus how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo betta dan da otter?"

The manager replied, "Simple, the local man put down on question #5, 'I don't know,' you put down, 'neither do I.'”

11/18/05

HIDE AND GO SEEK
Spreading freedom and democracy, one torture chamber at a time.

Cartoon by Mark Fiore

11/17/05

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

11/16/05

A woman and her friend are walking down the sidewalk when they come upon a frog. The frog looks up at them and says, "Please help me, I'm a jazz saxophonist and a witch put a horrible spell on me and turned me into a frog. If one of you picks me up and kisses me, the spell will be broken and I'll turn back into a jazz saxophonist... I'll marry you, play you the most beautiful songs all the time, take you to all my gigs if you want, and we'll live happily ever after."

The woman picks up the frog, puts it in her handbag and starts walking away very quickly. Her friend runs to catch up to her & asks, "Aren't you going to kiss the frog?!?!?"

The woman replies, "Hell NO! A talking frog is worth a hell of lot more than a jazz saxophonist!"

11/15/05

Two redneck hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their pickup truck. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey," says the lone hunter, "I don't want to tell you how to do something... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the opposite direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the lone hunter left, the two rednecks decided to give it a try. A little while later one says to the other, "Ya know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yep," the other added, "but we're gittin' further away from the truck...."

11/14/05

A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor asks the violist, "What's wrong?"

The violist answers, "The second oboe loosened one of my tuning pegs."

The conductor replies, "I admit, that seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you crying?"

To which the violist replies, "He won't tell me which one!"

11/13/05

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.

The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."

11/12/05

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. “So, they're trying to replace me,” thinks the old rooster. “I've got to do something about this.”

He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well, I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy."

So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.

Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.

By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself . . . "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

11/11/05

INDICTMENT CIRCUS
Who knew telling truth took so much imagination?

Cartoon by Mark Fiore

11/10/05

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a 'redneck' joke?"

The guy beside him stiffens. "Before you start, buddy, I think you oughta know something: I'm 6' 2" tall, weigh 200 pounds and I was born and raised a redneck. This ol' boy sittin' next to me is 6' 4", 225 and a redneck through and through. And that redneck sittin' next to him is better'n 6' 6", 275. Now, sonny-do you still want to tell your little joke?"

To which the first guy replies, "Nah. I'd hate to have to explain it three times!"

11/9/05

A husband and wife entered a dentist's office.

The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

“You're a brave woman,” said the dentist. “Now, show me which tooth it is.”

The wife turns to her husband and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

11/8/05

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."

A southern fairytale begins “Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit!...”

11/7/05

Researchers wanted to determine if dogs took on the characteristics of their masters. So they set up an experiment in their lab with three dog owners and their dogs. The first owner was a mathematician, the second a chemist, the third a musician!

The first dog, owned by the mathematician, was quite impressive, and when thrown a bunch of milk bones onto the floor, used her paws to begin arranging them into elaborate mathematical equations! "Pretty good!" said the researchers, "but not conclusive!"

The second dog, owned by the chemist, when thrown a bunch of milk bones on the floor, began to arrange them to display complex chemical formulas! "Not bad!" said the researchers, "but still not conclusive enough!"

The third dog, owned by the musician, came late, ate all the bones, made it with the other two dogs, then left early!

With this final result, the researchers determined that dogs DO take on characteristics of their owners.

11/6/05

Muldoon, the farmer, lived alone in the countryside with his pet dog of many years. When his dog died of old age, he asked the parish priest, "Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "Muldoon, I'm sorry to hear of your dog's death, but we can't be holding services for an animal in the church. However, there's a new denomination down the road, and maybe they would do something for the animal."

Muldoon said, "Thank you, Father. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?"

The Father quickly responded, "Son! Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"

11/5/05

Female vocalist tells her keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny Valentine' tonight... but can you think of a way to 'jazz' it up?"

Keyboard player replies, "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor, then modulate to G# minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor in 3/4 time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!"

She says, "That might be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!"

Keyboard player responds, "Well, that's how you did it last night!"

11/4/05

KISS AND MAKE UP

Thanks to right-wing Ralphie, things can get back to normal.

Cartoon by Mark Fiore

11/3/05

A scientific expedition disembarks from its plane at the final outpost of civilization in the deepest Amazon rain forest. They immediately notice the ceaseless thrumming of native drums. As they venture further into the bush, the drums never stop, day or night, for weeks.

The lead scientist asks one of the natives about this, and the native's only reply is, "Drums good. Drums never stop. Very BAD if drums stop."

The drumming continues, night and day, until one night, six weeks into the trip, when the jungle is suddenly silent. Immediately the natives run screaming from their huts, covering their ears. The scientists grab one boy and demand, "What is it? The drums have stopped!"

The terror-stricken youth replies, "Yes! Drums stop! VERY BAD!"

The scientists ask, "Why? Why? What will happen?"

Wild-eyed, the boy responds, " . . . BASS SOLO!!!"

11/2/05

11/1/05

Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a “get acquainted” tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal!

That afternoon, George W. told Laura about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been that the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who peed in your saxophone."

10/31/05

10/30/05

One day Jesus was out for a walk, strolling near the walls surrounding heaven, when he heard an old man's voice call from the other side.

"Hello? Hello?"

Jesus replied, "Who is it?"

"Just a poor, old carpenter searching for his son," the old man replied.

Jesus' heart leapt with joy and he called out, "Joseph?"

The voice answered back, "Pinocchio?"

10/29/05

Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an attorney sits in the seat by the aisle. The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in, when the physician in the window seat says, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," says the attorney, "I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you."

While he's gone, one of the physicians picks up the attorney's shoe and spits in it. When he returns with the coke, the other physician says, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly fetches the drink. While he's gone, the other physician picks up the other shoe and spits in it.

The lawyer comes back and they all sit back and enjoy the flight. As the plane is landing, however, the attorney slips his feet into his shoes and realizes immediately what has happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asks the physicians. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

10/28/05

There was a boy in kindergarten who played the viola. One day, he came home and said, "Mommy, today we practiced counting! I got all the way up to 10, but most of the kids messed up around 6 or 7!!!"

His mom said, "Good, that's because you're a violist."

The next day he came home and said, "Mommy, today we practiced the alphabet! I got all the way to the end, but most of the kids got messed up around "s" or "t"!"

His mom said, "Good, that's because you're a violist."

The next day, he came home and said "Mommy, guess what, they measured us today and I'm the tallest person in the whole class!!! Is that because I'm a violist, too?"

His mom said, "No, dear, that's because you're 25 years old."

10/27/05

10/26/05

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. He was known as the lesser of two weevils.

10/25/05

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

10/24/05

A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. Despite efforts at predator control, the frog population was declining at an alarming rate.

A chemist at a nearby college came up with a theory and a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. So, the chemist brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs' togetherness, which included one part sodium.

It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.

10/23/05

One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the job.

He finished first side and it was looking great. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didn't want to run back in town and being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed out back, and began to thin his paint.

It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint.

That night, it rained really hard. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side was looking great, but that the paint on the other three sides had washed away.

The pastor looked up in sky in anguish and cried out, "What shall I do?"

A voice came back from the heavens saying, "Repaint, and thin no more!"

10/22/05

Q. What do you get if you cross a hedgehog and an owl?

A. A prick that stays up all night.

10/21/05

What happens to the Energizer Bunny when you put his batteries in backwards?

He keeps coming and coming and coming...

10/20/05

HURRICANE ANYTHING - Cartoon by Mark Fiore

10/19/05

Reaching the end of a job interview, the personnel recruitment officer asked a young engineer fresh out of college, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years .. say, a red sports Mercedes?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

10/18/05

"I bet you believe in life after death," the boss said to one of his employees.

"Yes, I do," the employee replied. “How could you tell?”

"Well, after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

10/17/05

An English professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

10/16/05

A mother takes her daughter to the doctor to find out why her daughter's abdomen is swollen.

The doctor examines her and says, “Your daughter is pregnant.”

The mother is furious and tells the doctor that her daughter couldn’t possibly be pregnant. “She’s a good girl, and she would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.”

The doctor walks over to the window and looks out at the sky.

The mother asks, "What are you doing?”

He says, "The last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men arrived. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

10/15/05

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is completely lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, I was wondering if can you tell me where I am? I seem to be lost."

The man below is surprised for a moment, and then replies "Yes, that's easy, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering about 25 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology, most probably a programmer." says the balloonist.

"I do, and I am," replies the man, looking mildly surprised, "How did you deduce that?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no actual use to anyone."

The man below replies, "Ah, you must work in business."

"Yes, I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know that?"

"Well", says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

10/14/05

YOU KNOW YOU LIVE ON THE GULF COAST WHEN:

You have FEMA's number on your speed dialer.

You have more than 300 C and D batteries in your kitchen drawer.

You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering your windows.

When describing your house to a prospective buyer, you say it has three bedrooms, two baths and one safe hallway.

Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written in Sharpie on your arms.

The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone.

You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the pool.

You own more than three large coolers.

You can wish that other people get hit by a hurricane and not feel the least bit guilty about it.

Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble a portable generator by candlelight.

You catch a 13-pound redfish. In your driveway.

You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's insurance policy.

At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest chainsaw.

You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work at the Weather channel.

Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.

Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.

You spend more time on your roof than in your living room.

You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder or a tree worker.

You don't worry about relatives wanting to visit during the summer.

Your child's first words are "hunker down."

Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it's Christmas.

You know the difference between the "good side" of a storm and the "bad side."

Your kids start school in August and finish in July.

10/13/05

Reuse, Recycle, Repeat!

– Cartoon by Mark Fiore

10/12/05

Political Philosophies Explained in Simple "Two-Cow" Terms

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

CORPORATE: You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows and then act surprised when it drops dead.

DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government.

10/11/05

One day a man goes to an auction. He sees a parrot that he really wants. He gets into a lively bidding contest, bidding higher and higher and higher – way more than he intended – until he finally wins.

As he is paying for the parrot, he says to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

The auctioneer says with a smirk, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

10/10/05

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my eye."

10/9/05

A bus load of politicians is driving by a farm. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. The farmer comes out, sees the politicians, and buries them.

The next day, the police are at the farm questioning the farmer. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

The farmer replied, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."

10/8/05

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.

The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.

10/7/05

G.O.P.S. Commentary: Indictments, arrests, depravity

Cartoon by Mark Fiore

10/6/05

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" he asked.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"

The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor continued.

"Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps certain people out of medical school."

10/5/05

Astronomers were excited this week at having isolated a brief sound which occurred immediately before the Big Bang.

"Uh oh."

10/4/05

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.

"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."

"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

10/3/05

A man reads the sign in the window of a brain store.

Engineer brain - $3.00 oz.
Programmer brain - $4.00 oz.
Lawyer brain - $1000.00 oz.

He goes into the store and asks the butcher why the lawyer brain costs so much.

The butcher replies: "Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

10/2/05

TAOISM: Shit happens.

BUDDHISM: If shit happens, it's not really shit.

ISLAM: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah

PROTESTANTISM: Shit happens because you're lazy.

FUNDAMENTALISM: We’re the only ones who know shit.

JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to us?!

HINDUISM: This shit happened before.

ELITISM: I know Jack Shit.

FATALISM: Who gives a shit?

PESSIMISM: Shit will happen.

OPTIMISM: I’ll get my shit together.

CATHOLICISM: Shit happens because you're bad.

HARI KRISHNA: Shit happens, Rama Rama!

TV EVANGELISM: Send more shit!!

SCIENTOLOGY: Shit is $10,000 a serving.

or

SCIENTOLOGY: Tom Cruise’s shit don’t stink.

PEOPLES’ TEMPLE: This Kool-Aid tastes like shit!

EPISCOPALIANISM: Our shit don’t stink.

LUTHERANISM: Gee, I’m sorry about this shit.

SALVATION ARMY: Shit in the pot!

ATHEISM: No shit.

MORMONISM: Monogamy is shit.

JEHOVAH'S WITNESS: Knock knock, shit happens.

HEDONISM: There's nothing like a good shit happenin'.

SANTERIA: Sacrifice that chickenshit.

SPIRITUALISM: This is some scary shit!

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: Shit happens in your mind.

AGNOSTICISM: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.

EXISTENTIALISM: What is shit anyway?

or

EXISTENTIALISM: I am shit.

STOICISM: This shit doesn't bother me.

RASTAFARIANISM: Let's smoke this shit!

10/1/05

What women would do if they had a penis for a day

9/30/05

OH YEAH, THAT! Test your knowledge of obscure and forgotten news!

9/29/05

9/28/05

9/27/05

9/26/05

9/25/05

9/24/05

9/23/05

A guy goes to the cinema one day and in the row in front of him is an old man and his dog. It was a sad and funny kind of movie.

In the sad part, the dog cries his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughs its head off. This happens all the way through the movie.

When the movie ends, the guy says to the man. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I’m amazed!"

"I'm amazed, too," the old man said. "He hated the book."

9/22/05

KAN DO KARL! For all your reconstruction needs!

9/21/05

Without geometry, life is pointless.

9/20/05

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

9/19/05

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

9/18/05

9/17/05

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are studs.

9/16/05

9/15/05 - Cartoon by Mark Fiore

PETROTHEISM
The Quest for Fuel. Services Held Daily!

9/14/05

9/13/05

9/12/05

Two men dressed in pilot uniforms walk up the aisle. Both wear dark glasses, one has a guide dog and the other a white cane. The passengers stare as the men enter the cockpit. The door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing around nervously, searching for some sign that this is a practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. The passengers begin screaming. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air and the passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly.

In the cockpit, one pilot turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

9/10/05

9/9/05

Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

9/8/05

The WHOOSPIE GRAS Cartoon by Mark Fiore
It's a carnival of ineptitude! Come join the parade!

9/7/05

9/6/05

Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."

9/5/05

Deep within a forest a little turtle begins to climb a tree. Hours later when he reaches the top, he jumps into the air frantically waving his front legs. He crashes to the ground and picks himself up and begins climbing the tree again. Two birds sit on a branch nearby. One says to the other, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”

9/4/05

9/3/05

9/2/05 PAULY THE APPOINTEE Cartoon by Mark Fiore

9/1/05

A lawyer on his way to court one day suddenly finds himself at the Gates of Heaven with St. Peter, notebook in hand, escorting him inside. The lawyer protests his untimely death. “I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!"

“That is young,” St. Peter said. He looks at his notebook, smiles and says: “Up here we determine the age of lawyers by the number of hours they’ve billed their clients. Says here you’re 115.”

8/31/05 Supernatural Selection Cartoon by Mark Fiore

8/30/05

8/29/05

8/22/05 THIS IS THE ACTUAL VOICE MAIL MESSAGE
An operations manager for Jack in the Box was late for a meeting and called his boss to tell him he was running late. As he was leaving the voice mail message, he witnessed an accident and went on to provide "play by play" of the incident.

A look at what every good gun lobbyist should have in his arsenal!