12/31/06

A Baptist minister was seated next to a Marine on a flight to Memphis, TN. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Marine asked for a scotch & soda which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied with disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

At which point the Marine handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too; I didn't know we had a choice."

12/30/06

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony -- we live on the 25th floor -- and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died.

"Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died," he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator. . . "

12/29/06

The speed of light is much faster than the speed of sound, and that may be why most people appear brighter before they speak.

12/28/06

A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asks.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the man offers. “On a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, threw it on the ground, and told him, ‘Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.’”

St. Peter was impressed. “When did this happen?”

“Just a couple of minutes ago.”

12/27/06

René Descartes is sitting in a café in Paris. He is asked if he wants cream with his coffee. He ponders the question for a moment, and finally says “I think not.” He immediately vanished.

12/26/06

A group of kindergarteners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk. "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked Ethan what he had done over the weekend? "I went to visit my nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."

She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."

She then asked Ryan what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.

"That's wonderful!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Ryan thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the Shit."

12/25/06

Three guys pass away on Christmas Eve and are met by St. Peter.

St. Peter says, "In honor of the season, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas."

The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out two lighters. He holds them up proudly and flicks them on.

"What do they symbolize?" asks St. Peter.

"They're candles!"

"Ah! You may pass through the Pearly Gates."

The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a couple sets of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes them.

"What do they symbolize?" inquires St. Peter.

"They're bells!"

"Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!"

The third man fumbles desperately through his pockets, finally pulling out a skimpy pair of silky woman's panties. He holds them up proudly.

Puzzled, St. Peter asks, "What do they symbolize?"

12/24/06

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation: “What can you learn from this demonstration?”

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, “As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!”

12/23/06

Three lady librarians are discussing their lovers. The first is in a great relationship with an artist. It has color, form, beauty. The second says that she is in a relationship with an architect. It has structure; it is solid. The third says that she has a relationship with a systems analyst. He keeps sitting on the edge of the bed telling her how good it is going to be.

12/22/06

AND BY THE WAY .....
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

12/21/06

In a small Texas town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. But one small feature bothered me: the three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never read your Bibles!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and riffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"

12/20/06

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known ... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost!!

12/19/06

Three guys are sitting at a bar, a doctor, a lawyer and a physicist. The conversation, of course, turns to women. The doctor states that what he really wants in a woman is a good wife. Once he comes home after a hard day, the house is clean, and the dinner is cooked. He really wants a good wife.

The lawyer tells the doctor, no, that for him, what he really wants is a good mistress. When he comes home, he’s in the mood, and she will be in the mood; he’s ready, she will be ready. What he really wants is a good mistress.

The physicist states that for him, they both are wrong. He wants have a good wife and a good mistress. That way, the wife will think he is with the mistress, the mistress will think he is with the wife, and he can go back into the lab!

12/18/06

A distinguished looking older gentleman made an appointment with one of the most upscale houses of ill repute in the city. He had a very special request. He needed a woman who was at least six feet tall and could weigh no more than 120 pounds. The proprietress of the establishment said that that would be a difficult request to fulfill, but she would try. Upon searching though her resources, she found one lady, who with the proper course of diuretics could meet the requirements. Arrangements were made. The young lady was picked up in a limousine, taken blindfolded to the airport, put onto an executive jet, and taken to an exclusive island. There she was bathed, and anointed with oils. Finally, clad only in a robe, she was led though a long hallway, lined with guards. The auditorium at the end of the hallway had a dais on which she was placed, lights a shining upon her. The distinguished gentleman entered with a four year old girl. Upon his signal, the robe was dropped and the six foot lady was shimmering naked in the light. The older man turned to the four year old and then said, “If you don’t drink your milk, you will end up looking like that!”

12/17/06

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks: "Lord, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

12/16/06

Have you heard about the two maggots that were fighting in dead Ernest?

12/15/06

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you.”

The girl said, "NO!"

Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor. You bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story. The boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, then pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."

She agreed and accepted the proposal.

Half an hour went by and the boyfriend was waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked what happened.

"The bastard used quarters!" she replied.

12/14/06

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything."

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome."

"Why chrome?" asks the patient.

To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

12/13/06

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

12/12/06

I am sure by now that you have heard that there are 10 types of mathematicians: those who know binary and those who don't. However, did you know that there are three types of mathematicians, those who can count and those that can't?

12/11/06

A student was walking along a deserted beach and found a magic lantern. When he rubbed the lantern, a genie appeared and would grant him just one wish. The student thought for a long time about for what he should wish. He could wish for world peace, a beautiful woman, wisdom, money, the end of hunger for all. Many ideas crossed his mind. It finally occurred to him that since he was a student, his goal was knowledge, and the goal of knowledge was wisdom. Thus, he finally decided ask the genie for wisdom. Just at that moment, he knew he should have wished for money.

12/10/06

It's Eve's side of the story:

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. I do hate to complain but, they're a real pain," reported Eve.

Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc, she felt that having just two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced."

"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram, and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. Sometimes I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see, where did I put that useless boob?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that stuff about the rib?

12/9/06

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Bob said as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

12/8/06

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

12/7/06

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh! Immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

12/6/06

He said, "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"

She said, "That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

12/5/06

A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing over triple lattes who had the superior culture.

The Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon," arching his eyebrows.

The Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek responds, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

They went back and forth until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian thinks for a couple of seconds and replies quietly, "That is also true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

12/4/06

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If, however, it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never appears to have noticed that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!

12/3/06

Cecil B. DeMille dies and goes to heaven. As he is wandering around getting his bearings, St. Peter comes up to him and says, "Cecil B. DeMille, just the man I am looking for. You see God is wants to make a movie, and He wants you to direct it."

DeMille responds, "Now, this is heaven. God wants me to direct a movie."

St. Peter says, "Wait, there's more."

"More?" asks DeMille.

"Do you know who He got to do the screenplay? William Shakespeare!" says St. Peter.

"Now, this is really heaven. I direct a film with an original screenplay by Shakespeare!" says DeMille.

"Wait, there's more."

"More, what could be more?" asks DeMille.

"You know who He got to score the music? A collaboration of Wolfgang Mozart and Ludwig Beethoven."

"Now, this is really heaven. I direct a film with an original screenplay by Shakespeare, new music by Mozart and Beethoven!" says DeMille.

"Wait, there's more. The sets are designed and built by Leonard da Vinci" says St. Peter.

"Now, this is really heaven. I direct a film with an original screenplay by Shakespeare, new music by Mozart and Beethoven, set by da Vinci! This is really heaven." says DeMille.

"There is one small problem though," says St. Peter.

"Problem?" asks DeMille.

"Well, God has this girlfriend, you see............"

12/2/06

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

12/1/06

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away. He said, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

11/30/06

Success at 4 is not peeing your pants.

Success at 16 is gettin' a little.

Success at 25 is graduation and a wedding.

Success at 35 is about career and family.

Success at 55 is about graduations and weddings.

Success at 65 is gettin' a little.

11/29/06

A guy turns up at a costume party carrying a woman on his back.

"What are you supposed to be?" asked the host.

11/28/06

A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grampa's room.

"Grampa, Grampa," he says excitedly, "as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"Why?" said his grandpa.

11/27/06

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

11/26/06

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press the doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is too short to reach the doorbell. After watching the boy's sorry efforts for some time the priest walks up behind the little fellow and, placing one hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over the boy and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

11/25/06

A married man had only one complaint: his wife was always nursing sick birds. One February evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its wing sitting in his favorite chair. On the dining room table, instead of dinner, there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin. In the kitchen, his wife was comforting a shivering little
wren she'd found out in the snow.

The furious husband strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold little bird. "I can't take it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these #(@ birds!"

11/24/06

It seems that this old couple were having trouble remembering things, so they signed up for a memory course. The course was wonderful; they came home and told all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it. Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden.

Neighbor asks, "Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?"

Ed replies, "Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute... What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems...?"

Neighbor says, "You mean a rose?"

11/23/06

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.

Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.

Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours.

11/22/06

There was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.

"NOOO!" he screamed.

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him screaming, "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!"

"You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman.

"Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?" the lawyer asked.

"HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing, did you?"

11/21/06

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

POOF - Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

POOF - She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Oh, can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

11/20/06

Time flies like an arrow.

11/19/06

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"

"There are only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk. "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference?"

11/18/06

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

11/17/06

Q: How do you know an engineer is an extrovert?

A: He looks at your shoes when he talks to you.

11/16/06

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?

11/15/06

[Note: Pippa is the prettiest girl in the Nursery Crimes Division. She has been courted by everyone, including Mr. Pickle, Mr. Pepper, and the Peck brothers.]

"Did you know that Pippa has a bun in the oven?"

"You're kidding!"

"Pippa's pregnant by Peck."

"Pippa Piper picked Peck over Pickle or Pepper?" exclaimed Mary incredulously. "Which of the Peck pair did Pippa Piper pick?"

"Peter 'pockmarked' Peck of Palmer Park. He was the Peck that Pippa Piper picked."

"No, no," returned Mary, "you've got it all wrong. Paul Peck is the Palmer Park Peck; Peter Peck is the pockmarked Peck from Pembroke Park. Pillocks. I'd placed a pound on Pippa Piper picking PC Proctor from Pocklington."

There was a pause.

"It seems a very laborious setup for a pretty lame joke, doesn't it?" mused Jack.

"Yes," agreed Mary, shaking her head sadly. "I really don't know how [the author] gets away with it.

11/14/06

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

11/13/06

As Governor, Bush got to ceremonially act as a state trooper for a day. While operating a speed trap Bush pulled over a Texas farmer. He lectured the farmer about his speed and the necessity of obeying laws made by his superiors, and in general threw his weight around. Finally, he got around to writing the ticket, and as he was doing so he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya, Sir?"

Bush stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are -- I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of horses."

Bush says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a minute he stops and slowly says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, Governor, I have too much respect for you to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

Grinning broadly, Bush says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

11/12/06

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears several confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this.

The old priest then suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand, how did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, trying them out.

11/11/06

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient sits up and demands to know what is going on.

"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.

The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision."

11/10/06

Recently a man in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre.

However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

11/9/06

A man goes to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a naked girl on his back. "So what on earth are you supposed to be?" the host asks.

"I'm a snail." The man replies.

"What a load of rubbish!" spits his host. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked girl on your back?"

11/8/06

News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi Primary School and detained 6th Grade teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar. Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al- Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator.

11/7/06

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey...

"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.

"But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.

11/6/06

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

11/5/06

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'." A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, asks him what the problem is and what does he mean.

11/4/06

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"

11/3/06

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

11/2/06

A little old lady went to a grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up the cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day she tries to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demands proof that she has a dog, because sometime old people eat dog food. She went home and brought in the dog. She then got the dog food.

The next day the little old lady brought in a small box with a hole in the lid. She asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, pulled it out, and said, "That smells like shit."

11/1/06

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.

10/31/06

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

10/30/06

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

Martin Luther King, Jr: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Ronald Reagan: What chicken?

Captain James T Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Bill Gates: I have just released eChicken 07, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

Steven Hawking: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

10/29/06

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.

The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?"

10/28/06

"Well, It's Not Unusual."

10/27/06

10/26/06

A distraught man went to a psychiatrist and exclaimed, "Doctor, I believe that I am possessed by an evil spirit."

After talking to the patient at some length, the psychiatrist said, "You do appear to have a problem. I'd like to see you again next Wednesday."

After a second session of psychotherapy, the psychiatrist pronounced his patient completely cured.

For the next nine months, the psychiatrist sent the man a monthly statement for his professional services, but the man wouldn't pay and refused to acknowledge the debt.

10/25/06

This guy tries to go into a nightclub, but the bouncer stops him and says, "Sorry, bud, you need a tie for this place."

He goes back to his car and rummages around, but there's no necktie to be found. Finally, in desperation, he takes his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, ties a nice knot, and lets the ends dangle free.

10/24/06

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager.

He walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way.

Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?"

The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir."

"Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" inquired the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

"My wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed the manager.

The boy instantly replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"

10/23/06

A pig walks into a bar and orders a beer. After drinking it, he hops off the bar stool, pees on the floor and leaves.

Another pig comes in, drinks his beer, pees on the floor and leaves.

A third and forth piggy come in and do the same exact thing.

Finally, a fifth piggy comes in to the bar and orders a beer. After finishing his beer, he gets off the bar stool and begins to walk out the door.

Before reaching the door, the bartender yells, "Hey, Pig...aren't you going to pee on the floor like the others?"

10/22/06

Two nuns riding down a cobbled road on bicycles. First one says to the other, "I've never come this way before."

10/21/06

At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this."

10/20/06

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why," they asked, as they moved off.

10/19/06

10/18/06

Three men - an editor, a photographer, and a journalist - are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says, "Normally, I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch," replied the editor. "The deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours."

10/17/06

A researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis. Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for researching the mating behavior of the giant rat of Sumatra.

Around dusk of the first day, he's sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide announces, "I don't like the sound of those drums."

The dusk turns evening. The drums get louder. The guide says, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The guide says again, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out, "Hey man, he's not our regular drummer!"

10/16/06

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."

The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"

10/15/06

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing. The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.

The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally the drunk replies, "No use knockin', pal. There's no paper here, either."

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