12/31/06

A Baptist minister was seated next to a Marine on a flight to Memphis, TN. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Marine asked for a scotch & soda which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied with disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

At which point the Marine handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too; I didn't know we had a choice."

12/30/06

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony -- we live on the 25th floor -- and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died.

"Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died," he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator. . . "

12/29/06

The speed of light is much faster than the speed of sound, and that may be why most people appear brighter before they speak.

12/28/06

A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asks.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the man offers. “On a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, threw it on the ground, and told him, ‘Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.’”

St. Peter was impressed. “When did this happen?”

“Just a couple of minutes ago.”

12/27/06

René Descartes is sitting in a café in Paris. He is asked if he wants cream with his coffee. He ponders the question for a moment, and finally says “I think not.” He immediately vanished.

12/26/06

A group of kindergarteners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk. "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked Ethan what he had done over the weekend? "I went to visit my nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."

She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."

She then asked Ryan what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.

"That's wonderful!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Ryan thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the Shit."

12/25/06

Three guys pass away on Christmas Eve and are met by St. Peter.

St. Peter says, "In honor of the season, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas."

The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out two lighters. He holds them up proudly and flicks them on.

"What do they symbolize?" asks St. Peter.

"They're candles!"

"Ah! You may pass through the Pearly Gates."

The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a couple sets of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes them.

"What do they symbolize?" inquires St. Peter.

"They're bells!"

"Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!"

The third man fumbles desperately through his pockets, finally pulling out a skimpy pair of silky woman's panties. He holds them up proudly.

Puzzled, St. Peter asks, "What do they symbolize?"

12/24/06

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation: “What can you learn from this demonstration?”

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, “As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!”

12/23/06

Three lady librarians are discussing their lovers. The first is in a great relationship with an artist. It has color, form, beauty. The second says that she is in a relationship with an architect. It has structure; it is solid. The third says that she has a relationship with a systems analyst. He keeps sitting on the edge of the bed telling her how good it is going to be.

12/22/06

AND BY THE WAY .....
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

12/21/06

In a small Texas town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. But one small feature bothered me: the three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never read your Bibles!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and riffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"

12/20/06

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known ... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost!!

12/19/06

Three guys are sitting at a bar, a doctor, a lawyer and a physicist. The conversation, of course, turns to women. The doctor states that what he really wants in a woman is a good wife. Once he comes home after a hard day, the house is clean, and the dinner is cooked. He really wants a good wife.

The lawyer tells the doctor, no, that for him, what he really wants is a good mistress. When he comes home, he’s in the mood, and she will be in the mood; he’s ready, she will be ready. What he really wants is a good mistress.

The physicist states that for him, they both are wrong. He wants have a good wife and a good mistress. That way, the wife will think he is with the mistress, the mistress will think he is with the wife, and he can go back into the lab!

12/18/06

A distinguished looking older gentleman made an appointment with one of the most upscale houses of ill repute in the city. He had a very special request. He needed a woman who was at least six feet tall and could weigh no more than 120 pounds. The proprietress of the establishment said that that would be a difficult request to fulfill, but she would try. Upon searching though her resources, she found one lady, who with the proper course of diuretics could meet the requirements. Arrangements were made. The young lady was picked up in a limousine, taken blindfolded to the airport, put onto an executive jet, and taken to an exclusive island. There she was bathed, and anointed with oils. Finally, clad only in a robe, she was led though a long hallway, lined with guards. The auditorium at the end of the hallway had a dais on which she was placed, lights a shining upon her. The distinguished gentleman entered with a four year old girl. Upon his signal, the robe was dropped and the six foot lady was shimmering naked in the light. The older man turned to the four year old and then said, “If you don’t drink your milk, you will end up looking like that!”

12/17/06

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks: "Lord, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

12/16/06

Have you heard about the two maggots that were fighting in dead Ernest?

12/15/06

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you.”

The girl said, "NO!"

Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor. You bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story. The boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, then pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."

She agreed and accepted the proposal.

Half an hour went by and the boyfriend was waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked what happened.

"The bastard used quarters!" she replied.

12/14/06

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything."

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome."

"Why chrome?" asks the patient.

To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

12/13/06

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

12/12/06

I am sure by now that you have heard that there are 10 types of mathematicians: those who know binary and those who don't. However, did you know that there are three types of mathematicians, those who can count and those that can't?

12/11/06

A student was walking along a deserted beach and found a magic lantern. When he rubbed the lantern, a genie appeared and would grant him just one wish. The student thought for a long time about for what he should wish. He could wish for world peace, a beautiful woman, wisdom, money, the end of hunger for all. Many ideas crossed his mind. It finally occurred to him that since he was a student, his goal was knowledge, and the goal of knowledge was wisdom. Thus, he finally decided ask the genie for wisdom. Just at that moment, he knew he should have wished for money.

12/10/06

It's Eve's side of the story:

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. I do hate to complain but, they're a real pain," reported Eve.

Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc, she felt that having just two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced."

"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram, and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. Sometimes I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see, where did I put that useless boob?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that stuff about the rib?

12/9/06

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Bob said as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

12/8/06

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

12/7/06

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh! Immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

12/6/06

He said, "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"

She said, "That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

12/5/06

A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing over triple lattes who had the superior culture.

The Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon," arching his eyebrows.

The Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek responds, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

They went back and forth until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian thinks for a couple of seconds and replies quietly, "That is also true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

12/4/06

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If, however, it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never appears to have noticed that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!

12/3/06

Cecil B. DeMille dies and goes to heaven. As he is wandering around getting his bearings, St. Peter comes up to him and says, "Cecil B. DeMille, just the man I am looking for. You see God is wants to make a movie, and He wants you to direct it."

DeMille responds, "Now, this is heaven. God wants me to direct a movie."

St. Peter says, "Wait, there's more."

"More?" asks DeMille.

"Do you know who He got to do the screenplay? William Shakespeare!" says St. Peter.

"Now, this is really heaven. I direct a film with an original screenplay by Shakespeare!" says DeMille.

"Wait, there's more."

"More, what could be more?" asks DeMille.

"You know who He got to score the music? A collaboration of Wolfgang Mozart and Ludwig Beethoven."

"Now, this is really heaven. I direct a film with an original screenplay by Shakespeare, new music by Mozart and Beethoven!" says DeMille.

"Wait, there's more. The sets are designed and built by Leonard da Vinci" says St. Peter.

"Now, this is really heaven. I direct a film with an original screenplay by Shakespeare, new music by Mozart and Beethoven, set by da Vinci! This is really heaven." says DeMille.

"There is one small problem though," says St. Peter.

"Problem?" asks DeMille.

"Well, God has this girlfriend, you see............"

12/2/06

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

12/1/06

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away. He said, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

11/30/06

Success at 4 is not peeing your pants.

Success at 16 is gettin' a little.

Success at 25 is graduation and a wedding.

Success at 35 is about career and family.

Success at 55 is about graduations and weddings.

Success at 65 is gettin' a little.

11/29/06

A guy turns up at a costume party carrying a woman on his back.

"What are you supposed to be?" asked the host.

11/28/06

A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grampa's room.

"Grampa, Grampa," he says excitedly, "as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"Why?" said his grandpa.

11/27/06

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

11/26/06

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press the doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is too short to reach the doorbell. After watching the boy's sorry efforts for some time the priest walks up behind the little fellow and, placing one hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over the boy and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

11/25/06

A married man had only one complaint: his wife was always nursing sick birds. One February evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its wing sitting in his favorite chair. On the dining room table, instead of dinner, there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin. In the kitchen, his wife was comforting a shivering little
wren she'd found out in the snow.

The furious husband strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold little bird. "I can't take it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these #(@ birds!"

11/24/06

It seems that this old couple were having trouble remembering things, so they signed up for a memory course. The course was wonderful; they came home and told all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it. Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden.

Neighbor asks, "Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?"

Ed replies, "Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute... What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems...?"

Neighbor says, "You mean a rose?"

11/23/06

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.

Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.

Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours.

11/22/06

There was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.

"NOOO!" he screamed.

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him screaming, "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!"

"You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman.

"Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?" the lawyer asked.

"HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing, did you?"

11/21/06

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

POOF - Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

POOF - She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Oh, can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

11/20/06

Time flies like an arrow.

11/19/06

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"

"There are only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk. "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference?"

11/18/06

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

11/17/06

Q: How do you know an engineer is an extrovert?

A: He looks at your shoes when he talks to you.

11/16/06

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?

11/15/06

[Note: Pippa is the prettiest girl in the Nursery Crimes Division. She has been courted by everyone, including Mr. Pickle, Mr. Pepper, and the Peck brothers.]

"Did you know that Pippa has a bun in the oven?"

"You're kidding!"

"Pippa's pregnant by Peck."

"Pippa Piper picked Peck over Pickle or Pepper?" exclaimed Mary incredulously. "Which of the Peck pair did Pippa Piper pick?"

"Peter 'pockmarked' Peck of Palmer Park. He was the Peck that Pippa Piper picked."

"No, no," returned Mary, "you've got it all wrong. Paul Peck is the Palmer Park Peck; Peter Peck is the pockmarked Peck from Pembroke Park. Pillocks. I'd placed a pound on Pippa Piper picking PC Proctor from Pocklington."

There was a pause.

"It seems a very laborious setup for a pretty lame joke, doesn't it?" mused Jack.

"Yes," agreed Mary, shaking her head sadly. "I really don't know how [the author] gets away with it.

11/14/06

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

11/13/06

As Governor, Bush got to ceremonially act as a state trooper for a day. While operating a speed trap Bush pulled over a Texas farmer. He lectured the farmer about his speed and the necessity of obeying laws made by his superiors, and in general threw his weight around. Finally, he got around to writing the ticket, and as he was doing so he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya, Sir?"

Bush stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are -- I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of horses."

Bush says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a minute he stops and slowly says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, Governor, I have too much respect for you to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

Grinning broadly, Bush says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

11/12/06

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears several confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this.

The old priest then suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand, how did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, trying them out.

11/11/06

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient sits up and demands to know what is going on.

"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.

The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision."

11/10/06

Recently a man in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre.

However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

11/9/06

A man goes to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a naked girl on his back. "So what on earth are you supposed to be?" the host asks.

"I'm a snail." The man replies.

"What a load of rubbish!" spits his host. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked girl on your back?"

11/8/06

News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi Primary School and detained 6th Grade teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar. Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al- Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator.

11/7/06

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey...

"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.

"But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.

11/6/06

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

11/5/06

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'." A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, asks him what the problem is and what does he mean.

11/4/06

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"

11/3/06

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

11/2/06

A little old lady went to a grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up the cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day she tries to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demands proof that she has a dog, because sometime old people eat dog food. She went home and brought in the dog. She then got the dog food.

The next day the little old lady brought in a small box with a hole in the lid. She asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, pulled it out, and said, "That smells like shit."

11/1/06

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.

10/31/06

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

10/30/06

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

Martin Luther King, Jr: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Ronald Reagan: What chicken?

Captain James T Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Bill Gates: I have just released eChicken 07, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

Steven Hawking: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

10/29/06

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.

The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?"

10/28/06

"Well, It's Not Unusual."

10/27/06

10/26/06

A distraught man went to a psychiatrist and exclaimed, "Doctor, I believe that I am possessed by an evil spirit."

After talking to the patient at some length, the psychiatrist said, "You do appear to have a problem. I'd like to see you again next Wednesday."

After a second session of psychotherapy, the psychiatrist pronounced his patient completely cured.

For the next nine months, the psychiatrist sent the man a monthly statement for his professional services, but the man wouldn't pay and refused to acknowledge the debt.

10/25/06

This guy tries to go into a nightclub, but the bouncer stops him and says, "Sorry, bud, you need a tie for this place."

He goes back to his car and rummages around, but there's no necktie to be found. Finally, in desperation, he takes his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, ties a nice knot, and lets the ends dangle free.

10/24/06

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager.

He walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way.

Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?"

The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir."

"Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" inquired the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

"My wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed the manager.

The boy instantly replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"

10/23/06

A pig walks into a bar and orders a beer. After drinking it, he hops off the bar stool, pees on the floor and leaves.

Another pig comes in, drinks his beer, pees on the floor and leaves.

A third and forth piggy come in and do the same exact thing.

Finally, a fifth piggy comes in to the bar and orders a beer. After finishing his beer, he gets off the bar stool and begins to walk out the door.

Before reaching the door, the bartender yells, "Hey, Pig...aren't you going to pee on the floor like the others?"

10/22/06

Two nuns riding down a cobbled road on bicycles. First one says to the other, "I've never come this way before."

10/21/06

At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this."

10/20/06

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why," they asked, as they moved off.

10/19/06

10/18/06

Three men - an editor, a photographer, and a journalist - are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says, "Normally, I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch," replied the editor. "The deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours."

10/17/06

A researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis. Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for researching the mating behavior of the giant rat of Sumatra.

Around dusk of the first day, he's sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide announces, "I don't like the sound of those drums."

The dusk turns evening. The drums get louder. The guide says, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The guide says again, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out, "Hey man, he's not our regular drummer!"

10/16/06

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."

The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"

10/15/06

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing. The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.

The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally the drunk replies, "No use knockin', pal. There's no paper here, either."

10/14/06

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."

The next day it rained.

A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."

The next day there was a hailstorm.

"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."

10/13/06

When a visitor to a small town in Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.

A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read: Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal.

The hero told the journalist that he wasn't from that town.

"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog."

"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."

"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline should read, Yankee Kills Family Pet."

10/12/06

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Thank you, Francine Glenn

10/11/06

The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: "Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?"

Sartre replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream."

Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working.

A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream -- how about with no milk?"

10/10/06

Sir Edgbert, knight of the realm, was hurrying home on a cold, dark, wet night when, suddenly, his horse suffered a major coronary and died on the spot. All Sir Edgbert could do was collect up what belongings he could and tramp onwards.

After staggering for a spell, he decides that he must get alternative transport. Accordingly, he heads for the nearest building which, as luck would have it, is a small farm. He strides up to the door, bangs on it and shouts, “A horse! A horse!. I must have a horse!”

The door opens to reveal a young girl. She looks at Sir Edgbert and says, “Your pardon, good night but my father and brothers are returning from the village on the other side of the forest and will not be back before noon tomorrow. They are riding all our horses.”

Sir Edgbert is saddened by this and says, “But I must return home immediately. Have you any idea where I may acquire alternative transportation?”

The young girl says, “I know of no other horses hereabouts, but sometimes my brothers ride our Great Dane dog when the need arises. Would use of that help?”

Sir Edgbert is desperate and says, “If I must, I must. Show me the animal.”

The young girl leads the way around to the back of the farmhouse to a stable. She disappears inside and returns leading and enormous dogs which is quite of a size for riding. Unfortunately, the dog has seen better days. Its coat is threadbare, its legs are spindly and it seems to be breathing laboriously.

Sir Edgbert looks at the young girl and says, “Surely, you wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this?”

10/9/06

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skidded out of control! Bob attempted to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerved and smashed into a tree. Moments later, Bob shook his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looked over at the passenger seat and saw his unconscious wife, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knew he had to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picked his wife up and began trudging down the road. After a short while, he saw a light. He headed towards the light, which was coming from an old, large house. He approached the door and knocks.

After a while a small, hunched man opened the door. Bob immediately blurted, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"

An elegant man came down the stairs to greet them. He said, "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picked up Betty and carried her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor placed Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapsed from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor placed Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looked worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbed the steps to his conservatory, which housed his grand piano. For it is here that he always found solace. He began to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody filled the house.

Igor was in the lab tidying up. His eyes caught movement, and he noticed the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watched Bob's arm begin to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashed up the stairs to the conservatory. He burst in and shouted to his master:

"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!

10/8/06

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says: Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 10 Miles. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says: Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 5 Miles and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and says: "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

Go in Peace, You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.

10/7/06

There was once a very influential farmer in a remote part of China, who had a problem. His chickens were losing their feathers and dying. He sought the counsel of the two wise men in town, Hing, who was scientist, and Ming, who was a sorcerer.

Hing, who has had many advanced course hours in poultry science, consults the classic text in poultry disease, Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Diseases of Chickens, But Were Afraid to Ask. In the book Hing finds a reference to the report of a study showing that feeding the chickens with an infusion of gum tree leaves is often a remedy for chickens losing their feathers.

Meanwhile Ming reads obscure writings of ancient wise men, he meditates, and he reads tarot cards and examines the entrails of a pig. Getting no inspiration he uses his old standby, reading tea leaves. In a spark of discovery, it comes to him that an infusion of gum tree leaves is the cure.

So the two wise men report back to the influential Chinese farmer. Ming says, "As gum sticks to tables and chairs, so shall an infusion of gum tree leaves make feathers stick to chickens."

Hing agrees, saying, "Studies show that infusions of gum tree leaves alleviate feather loss in chickens."

The influential Chinese farmer is ecstatic, for the two wisest men in town are of a single mind. He decides to follow their recommendation. It does not work.

Moral of the Story: "All of Hing's courses and all of Ming's ken couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen."

10/6/06

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.

But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl.

He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off singing: "I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone."

10/5/06

A director is screen testing Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger for a new film about classic composers. Not having figured out who to give which part to, he asks Sly who he would like to be.

Stallone says, "I like Mozart. I want to be Mozart."

So the Director says, "Very well, you can be Mozart" Then he turns to Arnie and says, "Arnie, who would you like to play?"

And Arnie says, "Ah'll be Bach!"

10/4/06

Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor. Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry.

The clerk, trying to console her, said, "Don't worry. Someday your prints will come."

10/3/06

Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.

At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.

Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!"

The other replied, "No, it's not!"

The first man said, "Yes, it is. I recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side."

To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by it's clover."

10/2/06

There once was a snake breeder who had two snakes he was trying to mate. For the life of him, he couldn't get them within two feet of each other. Frustrated, he called up the local zoologist, and explained the situation. She hurried over, picked up the snakes and looked at them. "You know what I would do?" she said. "See that tree over there? Chop it down, chop off a good sized log, split the log in two, and make two tables out of them. Put the tables and the snakes into a cage, and let them go at it."

Well, the breeder thought that this was insane, but having no other options, he tried it. Sure enough, a few days later he had a whole slew of baby snakes. He called up the zoologist, and asked her how that was possible. She replied, "Well, you see, those snakes were adders. And everybody knows that to get adders to multiply you need log tables."

10/1/06

A sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "Fuck, I missed."

Surprised, the priest replied, "Don’t use that kind of language or God will punish you."

The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I fuck’n missed again."

The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don’t use that language or God will punish you."

The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn’t help mutter, "Oh fuck…"

The priest said, "That’s it, God will certainly punish you."

Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a deep voice said, "FUCK, I missed."

9/30/06

I am not a believer in seances, but I went to one just to see what they are like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear. I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and gave him a poke in the nose. You can probably guess the rest. I was arrested for striking a happy medium.

9/29/06

Trouser was normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He was a dog without a care. But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different.

Trouser's owners were walking him along a trail at the park, when suddenly from out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black. He had white paint on his face, and was gesturing annoyingly at Trouser's masters. This strange person spoke not a word, but proceeded to pretend that he was trapped in a box and that he was pulling on a long rope. Seeing the sheer horror on his masters' faces, Trouser took it upon himself to rectify the situation. With a low growl he jumped and sank his teeth into this annoying pseudo clown's leg.

Trouser immediately got a sickened look in his eyes and began to vomit wildly. He then dragged his tongue all over the ground in an effort to remove the man's foul essence from his mouth. For Trouser had learned that .... a mime is a terrible thing to taste.

9/28/06

Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in.

Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."

9/27/06

This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine three piece suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia.

He goes up to one of the guys and says, "I want to join the Mafia."

The guy answers, "You ever kill any one for money?"

Artie answers, "No."

The guy says, "Well, you either got to be born into the mafia, or you gotta kill somebody for money."

So Artie says, "How much will you pay me?"

The guy says, "I'm not gonna pay you."

Artie says, "C'mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in."

The guy says, "Okay, I'll tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper, I'll pay you a dollar."

Artie heads off on his mission. He goes to Ralphs Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that she's lived a full life, so he goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her to death.

The bag boy sees him, and chases after him. Artie realizes that he can't outrun the bag boy, so he turns around, grabs him by the neck and chokes him to death.

In the morning paper the headlines read, "ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPHS!"

9/26/06

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket.

It went in one ear and out the udder.

9/25/06

A computer programmer, bored with his job, decided to start his own business. Wanting to do something totally different from his current occupation, he bought a mating pair of rheas and a large tract of land.

His rhea farm was soon doing a booming business as there appeared to be a great demand for the birds. Not being satisfied with just selling the birds, the rhea farmer started researching how the birds were being used. He found that all parts of the birds were being utilized, except the feathers. Nobody wanted the plainly colored rhea feathers.

The ex-programmer, now rhea farmer, purchased some equipment, technical people, and chemicals, and was soon selling fancy, colored rhea feathers. The resulting sales were amazing and made the new feather merchant very happy. There was one small problem. The workers making the colored feathers were becoming quite ill. The concerned young man called in a number of doctors to determine the nature of the illness.

It was discovered that without exception, the workers had developed a severe case of ... “dye a rhea.”

9/24/06

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.

Across the wall of the cave the following symbols were carved, in this order: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David. They decided that this was a unique find, and the writings were at least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world had come to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting, after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The president of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell that they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey; so they were smart enough to train animals to help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to work with. Even further proof of their intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth whereby the crops didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which means they were evidently Hebrew."

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. This is what it says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on That Woman!'”

9/23/06

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

9/22/06

A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs' togetherness, which included one part sodium.

It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.

9/21/06

A man was being examined by his doctor when the doctor stopped, stared the man in the eyes and very seriously intoned, "You are going to have to quit masturbating!"

The man looked back at the doctor and said, "Why, will I grow hair on my palms?"

The doctor replied, "No... that's just a myth, but it IS interfering with the examination, so please stop!"

Thank you, Duke C

9/20/06

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

9/19/06

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

9/18/06

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper. There, on the sports page, was a photo of the winner of a local golf tournament with an excellent score. "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"

A union negotiator said, "Wow, think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

9/17/06

A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?"

One day, she was talking to her preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together.

The females yelled at the male parrots, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?"

One male parrot said to the other, "Put the Bibles away! We've made it to heaven!"

9/16/06

A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

9/15/06

9/14/06

9/13/06

How do you get a Harvard graduate off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

9/12/06

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If, however, it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never appears to have noticed that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!

9/11/06

A police detective was investigating a homicide. As he questioned the on-scene officer, he learned the body was that of a young woman. The body was found with a bowl over her head and a spoon stuck in her back.

The on-scene officer asked what the detective thought had happened to the woman.

The detective responded, "I think it's obvious. A cereal killer got her!"

9/10/06

God: I've got some good news and some bad news. First the good news. I have given you a brain and a penis.

Adam: What's the bad news?

God: I've only given you enough blood to work one of them at a time!

9/9/06

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" asked the instructor.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

9/8/06

A lucky Aggie once won the lottery for $20,000,000 and went to pick up all of his money. But when he got there, the guy who was in charge of the money said that the money would be paid out over twenty years.

The Aggie got pissed off and says: "If you're not going to give me all my money, I want my dollar back."

9/7/06

The St. Louis Symphony was playing Beethoven's Ninth one night. One bass player said to the other: ''We don't have much to do. Let's go next door for a few drinks.''

They stayed for a while and got a little tipsy. One said to the other: ''To give us more time, I tied the pages of the music together so the conductor will have to untie it when he gets near the end.'' They staggered back into the auditorium just in time for the finish.

The next day when someone asked their friend how the concert was they replied: ''The most exciting part was at the end of the Ninth when the score was tied and the bassists were loaded.''

9/6/06

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

9/5/06

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?

Father: Sure, son. What's the question?

Son: What is politics?

Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me “Tony Blair.” Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her “Gordon Brown.” We take care of your needs, so we'll call you “the People.” We'll call the maid “the Working Class,” and your baby brother we can call “the Future.” Do you understand, son?

Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.

Father: Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?

Son: Well, dad, while Tony Blair is screwing the Working Class, Gordon Brown is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.

9/4/06

Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Here's a listing of some of the lessor known ones...

9/3/06

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.

"Two dogs, please," said one.

The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their dogs.

The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

9/2/06

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

9/1/06

There was an Irishman, a New Zealand man and an American man standing on the roof of a building, with an awning below them.

The American said to the Irishman: "I bet I could jump off this roof, land on the awning and bounce back up." So he jumped off, hit the awning, and was soon back on the roof. "There. Now you try." he said to the Irishman.

So the Irishman jumped off, and fell SPLAT on the ground.

The New Zealander said to the American: "Sometimes you are a real jerk, Superman!"

8/31/06

Little farm boy comes in late for school. Teacher asks why he's late. Farm boy replies that he had to take the family cow over to the neighbor's to get her bred by a bull.

Annoyed, teacher demands, "Can't your father do that?"

Little farm boy thinks for a moment: replies, "Well, sure... but the bull can do it better."

8/30/06

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

8/29/06

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?"

The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.

"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."

The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.

"No," he insists, "he's not for sale."

The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"

"Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

8/28/06

The Boss asked for a letter describing Bob Smith:

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

A memo was soon sent following the letter:

That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5, etc...) for my true assessment of him.

8/27/06

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!"

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

8/26/06

"I'd give a thousand dollars to the man who would worry for me!"

"You're on. Now, where is the thousand dollars?"

"That is your first worry!"

8/25/06

A worker who was being paid by the week approached his employer and held up his last paycheck. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.

"I know," the employer said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."

"Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake," the worker answered, "but when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

8/24/06

When you have an "I hate my job" day, try this: On your way home from work, stop at the pharmacy, go to the thermometers section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Best Thermo". Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Best Thermo is personally tested."

Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Best Thermo Company."

8/23/06

Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."

Black employee: "I'm a protected minority."

Female employee: "And I'm a woman."

Oldest employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

They all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay...."

8/21/06

"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."

"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"

"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

8/18/06

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men’s barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"

The sergeant replied, "Well, sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel."

The captain said, "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his sergeant, "Bring the camel to my quarters."

The sergeant led the camel into the captain’s quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped down from the stool, he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The sergeant replied, "Well, sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

8/17/06

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner!"

8/16/06

An Irishman walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants.

"Hey," he says, "what's with the steering wheel down your pants?"

"Ach," says the Irishman, "it's drivin' me nuts!"

8/15/06

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff,Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say ‘Fuck,’ the Rottweiler ate him!"

Thank you, Francine Glenn

8/14/06

A koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink. When he's done, slam goes his paw again for more. This goes on for about an hour. Just when it looks like he's ready to leave, the barkeep says, "If you're looking for a good time, there is someone in the back room who could help you out."

The koala says, "Why not?"

He goes into the back room and meets a prostitute who is waiting for him. That night he has the best sex he has ever had. Afterward the prostitute turns to the koala and says, "How about my money?"

The koala looks confused, so the prostitute brings out a dictionary and shows him where it says:

PROSTITUTE: Has sex for money.

In response the koala turns to the definition for the koala and it says:

KOALA: Eats bush and leaves.

8/13/06

8/12/06

The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"

Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."

"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.

"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."

Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh... well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."

8/11/06

An older man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

8/10/06

8/8/06

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says, "Hmmm, buffalo come."

The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything. How do you know buffalo come?"

The Indian replies, "Ear sticky."

8/7/06

"Squawks" are problems noted by US Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints and the replies from the maintenance crews.

Thank you, Justin Walsh

8/6/06

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7/30/06

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat. As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"

The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again. As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."

7/29/06

A blonde walks into a doctor's office and tells the doctor she's broken every single bone in her body.

"That's impossible!" says the doctor.

The blonde says, "No, it's really true. Look!" She then touches her leg with her index finger and screams, "Ouch!" Then she touches her arm and yells, "Eeeeoooow!" Finally she touches her ribs and can barely maintain her composure as the tears start to roll down her face. She says, "See, I told you I broke every bone in my body."

The doctor rubs his chin, then conducts a thorough examination. "Well, miss," he tells her, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, you haven't broken every bone in your body. The bad news is, you've broken your finger."

7/28/06

Two men are driving through Philadelphia when they get pulled over by a Highway Patrolman. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"

The cop answers, "You're in Philadelphia son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."

The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."

The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, "I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!

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7/7/06

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life.

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"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

6/6/06

"Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"

6/5/06

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5/31/06

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5/29/06

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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The guest replied, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak got cold and lit a fire in the craft. It sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

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A husband and wife had a big argument and were at The Silent Treatment stage with him sleeping on the couch. The husband needed his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight and not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he left a note on her pillow: "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."

The next morning, he woke up at 9:00 AM and saw a note on the coffee table. "Wake up! It's 5:00 AM."

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An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.

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4/8/06

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.

4/7/06

Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

4/6/06

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4/3/06

After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.

4/2/06

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

4/1/06

3/31/06

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

3/30/06

As they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up to each driver.

3/29/06

Q. What's the difference between the Vietnam War and the Iraq War?

A. George W Bush had a plan to get out of the Vietnam War.

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