12/31/07

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

Thanks to Bev Sims

12/30/07

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was a sweet old lady who'd never been married, so the pastor was surprised to see, a condom sitting on the keyboard. He said, "Miss Beatrice, tell me about this."

She said, "I found it on the ground when I was walking through the park and it says it prevents the spread of disease, and do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

12/29/07

12/28/07

12/27/07

12/26/07

12/25/07

Roses are Reddish, Violets are Bluish.

If it wasn't for Christmas, we'd all be Jewish.

12/24/07

12/23/07

12/22/07

Before they invented golf balls, how did they measure hail?

12/21/07

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said, "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there, sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the asshole goes behind the horse, not on top."

12/20/07

Q: What has the Irish weather and Cher got in common?

A: Neither of them has been fucking sunny in a long time.

Thanks to Eric Idle

12/19/07

A self-important college freshman was attending a recent football game. He took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

The senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young...so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little boy, what are you doing for the next generation?"

The applause was deafening.

Thanks to Mike Stamm

12/18/07

12/17/07

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right, Honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

Thanks to Bev Sims

12/16/07

The young minister was asked by a funeral director to conduct a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, at a cemetery way back in the country. The minister got lost and finally saw the backhoe in the field and the grave diggers but no hearse in sight, and he dashed over to the grave where he saw the vault lid was already in place and he opened up his Bible and he preached about God's mercy and the parable of the Prodigal Son and the hope of the Resurrection, and then he bowed his head in prayer.

One of the workers said, "I ain't never seen anything like this before ... and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

12/15/07

Johnny Del was golfing at the Old Course in St Andrews, Scotland. He slices his opening drive out of bounds onto the beach, so he tees another one up and smacks it right down the middle. John turns to his old Scottish caddy and says, "In America that is called a 'Mulligan.' Is there a name for it in Scotland?"

The caddy replies, "Aye, we call it a 3."

Thanks to Bev Sims

12/14/07

Q: What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?

A: Fission chips.

12/13/07

I bought these new boots. They are made from possum and deer hide and they feel great when I wear them. There is just one problem. When I see headlights in the dark I get this uncontrollable urge to run into the middle of the road and just stand there.

12/12/07

Blonde: I'm having a problem with my computer. When I type in my password, all it shows are those little stars.

Tech: Right. Little asterisks. That's for your protection. So if someone were standing behind you, they couldn't see what your password is.

12/11/07

A guy and his pet newt walk into a bar. He tells the bartender, "This is my pet. His name is Tiny."

The bartender says, "Why'd you name him Tiny?"

"Because he's my newt!"

12/10/07

Four retired guys, two from California and two from Arizona, are walking down a street in Phoenix. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timer's Bar - ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS! They go in.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you. What'll it be, Gentlemen?"

There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the four men each asked for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and asks the bartender, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"

"Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime-wine, liquor, beer, all the same."

"Wow!! That's quite a story," says one of the men.

As the four of them sipped at their martinis they couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're seniors from Minnesota. They're waiting for happy hour."

12/9/07

Jesus was walking through the streets when he noticed a crowd of people throwing stones at an adulteress. Jesus said, "Let he without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly a rock flew through the air.

Jesus turned and said, "Mother, sometimes you really piss me off."

12/8/07

How is a singles bar different from the circus?

At the circus the clowns don't talk.

12/7/07

A B-flat, a D-flat, and an F walk into a bar. The bartender says to them, "I'm sorry we don't serve minors here"... So the D-flat leaves and the B-flat and the F have an open fifth between them.

12/6/07

"Doctor," said the patient. "I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

"Sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome to me," the doctor replies.

"Is that common?"

"It's not unusual."

12/5/07

The Lewis family owned a small farm in Canada, a stone's throw from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. One day, Mrs. Lewis's son came into the kitchen, holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

"Hmmmm," his mother said. "Tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"

12/4/07

Once there was a blonde cowboy walking naked down the Main Street of Dodge. The sheriff said, "What happened, Blonde Cowboy?"

The blonde cowboy said, "Well, I was with this cheap floozy and she took off her clothes and I took off my clothes and she said, 'Now go to town, cowboy... ' So here I am."

12/3/07

An accountant was passing a beggar in the street, and the man said, "I have not eaten for three days."

The accountant replied, "How does that compare with the same period last year?"

12/2/07

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about two hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river." Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

12/1/07

One day, a blonde girl was running out to check her mail and a neighbor was watching. Five minutes later, she checked it again. This happened all through the day until the neighbor went outside and stopped her and asked, "Why do you keep looking in your mailbox?"

She replied, "My computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

11/30/07

John and Jane, two American tourists, went to Germany for a vacation. As they were walking through a park they noticed a man urinating in public. The woman, disgusted, said, "Gross!"

The German man turned to her and replied, "Danke!"

11/29/07

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant.

The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes, because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."

Thanks to Mike Stamm

11/28/07

A family was at the dinner table. The son asked his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, said, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20's, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they're like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they're like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiled and said, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable.  After his 50's, it's like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

Thanks to Lajuanda Williams

11/27/07

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the 2nd ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt while you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the 3rd ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

Thanks to Lajuanda Williams

11/26/07

My best friend became addicted to line dancing. It got so bad he had to enter a two step program.

11/25/07

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

11/24/07

A cop sees two kids parked in a car late Saturday night on the edge of town and he walks over with his flashlight and shines it in the window. The boy is listening to the radio and the girl is knitting a scarf. The cop says, "What are you doing here?"

"Just listening to music and she's knitting."

"How old are you?"

The boy says, "I'm 22."

The cop says, "And is she 18?"

The boy says, "She will be in about fifteen minutes."

11/23/07

A wild rabbit was caught and taken to a National Institutes of Health laboratory. When he arrived, he was befriended by a rabbit that had been born and raised in the lab. One evening the wild rabbit noticed that his cage hadn't been properly closed and decided to make a break for freedom. He invited the lab rabbit to join him. The lab rabbit was unsure, as he had never been outside the lab, but the wild rabbit finally convinced him to give it a try.

Once they were free, the wild rabbit said, "I'll show you the number-three best field," and took the lab rabbit to a field full of lettuce. After they had eaten their fill, the wild rabbit said, "Now I'll show you the number-two best field," and took the lab rabbit to a field full of carrots. After they had had their fill of carrots, the wild rabbit said, "Now I'll show you the number-one best field," and took the lab rabbit to a warren of female bunnies. It was Heaven-nonstop lovemaking all night long.

As dawn was beginning to break, the lab rabbit announced that he would have to be getting back to the lab.

"Why?" said the wild rabbit. "I've shown you the number-three best field with the lettuce, the number-two best field with the carrots, and the number-one best field with the ladies. Why do you want to go back to the lab?"

The lab rabbit replied, "I can't help it. I'm dying for a cigarette!"

11/22/07

11/21/07

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

11/20/07

Once upon a time there was a prince who, through no fault of his own, was placed under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the prince could speak only one word each year. He could, however, save up credits, so if he did not speak at all in one year, he could speak two words the following year.

One day he met a beautiful princess and fell madly in love. He decided to refrain from speaking for two years so that he could look at her and say, "My darling." At the end of the two years, however, he wanted to also tell her he loved her, so he decided to wait three more years, for a total of five years of silence. At the end of the five years, though, he knew he had to ask her to marry him, so he needed to wait still another four years. Finally, as his ninth year of silence ended, he was understandably overjoyed. He led the princess to the most romantic part of the royal garden, knelt before her, and said, "My darling, I love you. Will you marry me?"

The princess replied, "Pardon?"

11/19/07

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

11/18/07

The old man died while he was making love with his old wife. They made love every Sunday morning to the rhythm of the church bells, nice and slow, and then that ice cream truck came along.

11/17/07

A thief got away with four van Gogh paintings in the Paris van Gogh museum. Gendarmes caught him in two blocks, astonished that his van had merely run out of gas.

The thief explained: "I didn't have the Monet to buy Degas to make the van Gogh."

11/16/07

Have you heard about the new existentialist breakfast cereal?

It's called Raisins D'etre.

11/15/07

Last weekend, a friend and I were having a nice visit at my house, talking about the future.

I told her, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the  plug.”

She got up, unplugged the computer, and poured my beer down the sink.

She's such a bitch.

Thanks to Mike Stamm

11/14/07

I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called the Help Hotline. I was put through to a call center in Pakistan. I explained that I was feeling suicidal.

They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane.

Thanks to Mike Stamm

11/13/07

A man dies and goes to hell. He wakes up in a cheap little motel room. After looking around for a little bit, he discovers that it's not so bad. It has clean sheets, a decent shower, and basic cable. When he goes outside, he sees that Satan is outside in a golf cart.

He says "Oh, you're the new guy. I'm here to give you the tour." So Satan drives him around hell showing him all the sights, a pool, a family style Italian restaurant.

The guy says "Hey, this isn't so bad."

And Satan says "Yeah, we like it here. Heaven is better though, they've got premium cable, fancy restaurants, and a private lagoon, but we like it here."

Then the golf cart turns the corner and the guy sees a flaming pit of naked souls in agony under an apocalyptic sky. "What is that!?" he asks.

"Oh, that's for the Catholics," says Satan, "they insisted on it."

11/12/07

A man dies and finds himself in a small room furnished with a couch and a TV; there's another guy sitting on the couch watching the TV. "So...is this heaven or hell?" the newly deceased asks the man on the couch.

"Well...there are no windows or doors and no apparent way out," the man answers.

"So this is hell?" the newcomer responds.

"I don't know", says the other guy without looking up, "They did give us this big screen TV!"

"So maybe this is heaven?" the guy replies.

"Maybe, but the TV only gets one channel"

"Okay, so...maybe this IS hell?"

"I'm not sure...the only station the TV gets is PBS"

"So maybe this is heaven after all!" the newcomer exclaims.

"Yeah...except for one thing," the other guy retorts, "it's always pledge week."

11/11/07

New Definitions

Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in a divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Tourists - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

Dancing Baloney - Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help."

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in."

11/10/07

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"

The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was "dry" and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was smoking a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey you!"

So the koala looked down at him and said, "Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude..... How much water did you drink?!!"

Thanks to Bev Sims

11/9/07

Bill Gates died and went to heaven and was given a little cottage in the woods. Next door the captain of the Titanic lived in a mansion on a hill with a golf course and tennis courts.

"Why does he deserve better?" Bill asked God.

God replied, "The Titanic only crashed once."

11/8/07

What happens if you don't pay your exorcist?

You get repossessed.

11/7/07

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

“I would like a Sprite,” said the first little piggy.

“I would like a Coke,” said the second little piggy.

“I want beer, lots and lots of beer,” said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

“I want a nice big steak,” said the first piggy.

“I would like the salad plate,” said the second piggy.

“I want beer, lots and lots of beer,” said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

“I want a banana split,” said the first piggy.

“I want a cheesecake,” said the second piggy.

“I want beer, lots and lots of beer,” exclaimed the third little piggy. “Pardon me for asking,” said the waiter to the third little piggy, “but why have you only ordered beer all evening?”

The third piggy says, "Well, somebody has to go ‘Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!’”

Thanks to Bev Sims

11/6/07

A blonde went in the store to buy pink curtains for her computer monitor.

The salesman said, "But computers don't need curtains!"

She said, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!"

11/5/07

Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic?

He always thought he was following someone.

11/4/07

An angel is talking to God. The angel says, "Look, God. I know that you're all-seeing and all-knowing, but for the knock-knock joke to work, you HAVE to say 'Who's there?'"

11/3/07

Gardeners' playing cards - weed 'em and reap.

11/2/07

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

Thanks to Jack Katosh

11/1/07

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

10/31/07

A man was in the hospital for a series of tests. After several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea.

He jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

Thanks to Daphne Coates

10/30/07

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

10/29/07

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

10/28/07

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

10/27/07

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

10/26/07

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

10/25/07

Varley’s Top Ten Clues Dumbledore Was Gay

10. Owns magic jukebox containing every song Judy Garland ever sang.

9. Headmaster at Hogwarts, webmaster at wellhungelves.com.

8. Surprise late-night “broomstick inspections,” if you know what I mean.

7. Embarrassing tendency to shout fellatianus! when he meant expelliarmus!

6. First year at Hogwarts, was devastated to learn that “Greek Studies” was about language and history.

5. Always pestering Hagrid about whether he is a giant “in every sense of the word.”

4. Year after year, the same costume at the Wizard’s Ball: Ethel Merman.

3. Occupied stall next to Senator Larry Craig on that fateful day in Minneapolis.

2. Kicked out of Hufflepuff House for too much huffle puffing.

1. In his native Parseltongue, Albus Dumbledore means “flamin’ nancy-boy.”

10/24/07

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

10/23/07

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

10/22/07

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS?'"

10/21/07

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. 

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.  He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.  Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit!"

Thanks to Jack Katosh

10/20/07

Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.

1019/07

For all of us who are married, were married, wish  they were married, or wish they weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade....."

1018/07

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

1017/07

An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.

She said: I want to keep my house.

He said: That's fine with me.

She said: And I want to keep my Cadillac.

He said: That's fine with me.

She said: And I want to have sex 6 times a week.

He said: That's fine with me.... Put me down for Friday.

1016/07

Friction. It's such a drag. And gravity sucks too.

1015/07

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

1014/07

A poor soul worked at a company making blankets. He lost his job when the company folded.

1013/07

We painted our floor with luminous paint. So now the florescent what it used to be.

1012/07

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

1011/07

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

10/8/07

Without geometry, life is pointless.

10/7/07

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

10/5/07

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

10/4/07

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10/3/07

Practice safe eating: always use condiments.

10/2/07