12/31/07

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

Thanks to Bev Sims

12/30/07

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was a sweet old lady who'd never been married, so the pastor was surprised to see, a condom sitting on the keyboard. He said, "Miss Beatrice, tell me about this."

She said, "I found it on the ground when I was walking through the park and it says it prevents the spread of disease, and do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

12/29/07

12/28/07

12/27/07

12/26/07

12/25/07

Roses are Reddish, Violets are Bluish.

If it wasn't for Christmas, we'd all be Jewish.

12/24/07

12/23/07

12/22/07

Before they invented golf balls, how did they measure hail?

12/21/07

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said, "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there, sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the asshole goes behind the horse, not on top."

12/20/07

Q: What has the Irish weather and Cher got in common?

A: Neither of them has been fucking sunny in a long time.

Thanks to Eric Idle

12/19/07

A self-important college freshman was attending a recent football game. He took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

The senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young...so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little boy, what are you doing for the next generation?"

The applause was deafening.

Thanks to Mike Stamm

12/18/07

12/17/07

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right, Honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

Thanks to Bev Sims

12/16/07

The young minister was asked by a funeral director to conduct a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, at a cemetery way back in the country. The minister got lost and finally saw the backhoe in the field and the grave diggers but no hearse in sight, and he dashed over to the grave where he saw the vault lid was already in place and he opened up his Bible and he preached about God's mercy and the parable of the Prodigal Son and the hope of the Resurrection, and then he bowed his head in prayer.

One of the workers said, "I ain't never seen anything like this before ... and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

12/15/07

Johnny Del was golfing at the Old Course in St Andrews, Scotland. He slices his opening drive out of bounds onto the beach, so he tees another one up and smacks it right down the middle. John turns to his old Scottish caddy and says, "In America that is called a 'Mulligan.' Is there a name for it in Scotland?"

The caddy replies, "Aye, we call it a 3."

Thanks to Bev Sims

12/14/07

Q: What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?

A: Fission chips.

12/13/07

I bought these new boots. They are made from possum and deer hide and they feel great when I wear them. There is just one problem. When I see headlights in the dark I get this uncontrollable urge to run into the middle of the road and just stand there.

12/12/07

Blonde: I'm having a problem with my computer. When I type in my password, all it shows are those little stars.

Tech: Right. Little asterisks. That's for your protection. So if someone were standing behind you, they couldn't see what your password is.

12/11/07

A guy and his pet newt walk into a bar. He tells the bartender, "This is my pet. His name is Tiny."

The bartender says, "Why'd you name him Tiny?"

"Because he's my newt!"

12/10/07

Four retired guys, two from California and two from Arizona, are walking down a street in Phoenix. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timer's Bar - ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS! They go in.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you. What'll it be, Gentlemen?"

There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the four men each asked for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and asks the bartender, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"

"Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime-wine, liquor, beer, all the same."

"Wow!! That's quite a story," says one of the men.

As the four of them sipped at their martinis they couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're seniors from Minnesota. They're waiting for happy hour."

12/9/07

Jesus was walking through the streets when he noticed a crowd of people throwing stones at an adulteress. Jesus said, "Let he without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly a rock flew through the air.

Jesus turned and said, "Mother, sometimes you really piss me off."

12/8/07

How is a singles bar different from the circus?

At the circus the clowns don't talk.

12/7/07

A B-flat, a D-flat, and an F walk into a bar. The bartender says to them, "I'm sorry we don't serve minors here"... So the D-flat leaves and the B-flat and the F have an open fifth between them.

12/6/07

"Doctor," said the patient. "I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

"Sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome to me," the doctor replies.

"Is that common?"

"It's not unusual."

12/5/07

The Lewis family owned a small farm in Canada, a stone's throw from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. One day, Mrs. Lewis's son came into the kitchen, holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

"Hmmmm," his mother said. "Tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"

12/4/07

Once there was a blonde cowboy walking naked down the Main Street of Dodge. The sheriff said, "What happened, Blonde Cowboy?"

The blonde cowboy said, "Well, I was with this cheap floozy and she took off her clothes and I took off my clothes and she said, 'Now go to town, cowboy... ' So here I am."

12/3/07

An accountant was passing a beggar in the street, and the man said, "I have not eaten for three days."

The accountant replied, "How does that compare with the same period last year?"

12/2/07

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about two hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river." Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

12/1/07

One day, a blonde girl was running out to check her mail and a neighbor was watching. Five minutes later, she checked it again. This happened all through the day until the neighbor went outside and stopped her and asked, "Why do you keep looking in your mailbox?"

She replied, "My computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

11/30/07

John and Jane, two American tourists, went to Germany for a vacation. As they were walking through a park they noticed a man urinating in public. The woman, disgusted, said, "Gross!"

The German man turned to her and replied, "Danke!"

11/29/07

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant.

The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes, because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."

Thanks to Mike Stamm

11/28/07

A family was at the dinner table. The son asked his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, said, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20's, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they're like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they're like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiled and said, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable.  After his 50's, it's like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

Thanks to Lajuanda Williams

11/27/07

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the 2nd ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt while you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the 3rd ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

Thanks to Lajuanda Williams

11/26/07

My best friend became addicted to line dancing. It got so bad he had to enter a two step program.

11/25/07

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

11/24/07

A cop sees two kids parked in a car late Saturday night on the edge of town and he walks over with his flashlight and shines it in the window. The boy is listening to the radio and the girl is knitting a scarf. The cop says, "What are you doing here?"

"Just listening to music and she's knitting."

"How old are you?"

The boy says, "I'm 22."

The cop says, "And is she 18?"

The boy says, "She will be in about fifteen minutes."

11/23/07

A wild rabbit was caught and taken to a National Institutes of Health laboratory. When he arrived, he was befriended by a rabbit that had been born and raised in the lab. One evening the wild rabbit noticed that his cage hadn't been properly closed and decided to make a break for freedom. He invited the lab rabbit to join him. The lab rabbit was unsure, as he had never been outside the lab, but the wild rabbit finally convinced him to give it a try.

Once they were free, the wild rabbit said, "I'll show you the number-three best field," and took the lab rabbit to a field full of lettuce. After they had eaten their fill, the wild rabbit said, "Now I'll show you the number-two best field," and took the lab rabbit to a field full of carrots. After they had had their fill of carrots, the wild rabbit said, "Now I'll show you the number-one best field," and took the lab rabbit to a warren of female bunnies. It was Heaven-nonstop lovemaking all night long.

As dawn was beginning to break, the lab rabbit announced that he would have to be getting back to the lab.

"Why?" said the wild rabbit. "I've shown you the number-three best field with the lettuce, the number-two best field with the carrots, and the number-one best field with the ladies. Why do you want to go back to the lab?"

The lab rabbit replied, "I can't help it. I'm dying for a cigarette!"

11/22/07

11/21/07

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

11/20/07

Once upon a time there was a prince who, through no fault of his own, was placed under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the prince could speak only one word each year. He could, however, save up credits, so if he did not speak at all in one year, he could speak two words the following year.

One day he met a beautiful princess and fell madly in love. He decided to refrain from speaking for two years so that he could look at her and say, "My darling." At the end of the two years, however, he wanted to also tell her he loved her, so he decided to wait three more years, for a total of five years of silence. At the end of the five years, though, he knew he had to ask her to marry him, so he needed to wait still another four years. Finally, as his ninth year of silence ended, he was understandably overjoyed. He led the princess to the most romantic part of the royal garden, knelt before her, and said, "My darling, I love you. Will you marry me?"

The princess replied, "Pardon?"

11/19/07

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

11/18/07

The old man died while he was making love with his old wife. They made love every Sunday morning to the rhythm of the church bells, nice and slow, and then that ice cream truck came along.

11/17/07

A thief got away with four van Gogh paintings in the Paris van Gogh museum. Gendarmes caught him in two blocks, astonished that his van had merely run out of gas.

The thief explained: "I didn't have the Monet to buy Degas to make the van Gogh."

11/16/07

Have you heard about the new existentialist breakfast cereal?

It's called Raisins D'etre.

11/15/07

Last weekend, a friend and I were having a nice visit at my house, talking about the future.

I told her, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the  plug.”

She got up, unplugged the computer, and poured my beer down the sink.

She's such a bitch.

Thanks to Mike Stamm

11/14/07

I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called the Help Hotline. I was put through to a call center in Pakistan. I explained that I was feeling suicidal.

They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane.

Thanks to Mike Stamm

11/13/07

A man dies and goes to hell. He wakes up in a cheap little motel room. After looking around for a little bit, he discovers that it's not so bad. It has clean sheets, a decent shower, and basic cable. When he goes outside, he sees that Satan is outside in a golf cart.

He says "Oh, you're the new guy. I'm here to give you the tour." So Satan drives him around hell showing him all the sights, a pool, a family style Italian restaurant.

The guy says "Hey, this isn't so bad."

And Satan says "Yeah, we like it here. Heaven is better though, they've got premium cable, fancy restaurants, and a private lagoon, but we like it here."

Then the golf cart turns the corner and the guy sees a flaming pit of naked souls in agony under an apocalyptic sky. "What is that!?" he asks.

"Oh, that's for the Catholics," says Satan, "they insisted on it."

11/12/07

A man dies and finds himself in a small room furnished with a couch and a TV; there's another guy sitting on the couch watching the TV. "So...is this heaven or hell?" the newly deceased asks the man on the couch.

"Well...there are no windows or doors and no apparent way out," the man answers.

"So this is hell?" the newcomer responds.

"I don't know", says the other guy without looking up, "They did give us this big screen TV!"

"So maybe this is heaven?" the guy replies.

"Maybe, but the TV only gets one channel"

"Okay, so...maybe this IS hell?"

"I'm not sure...the only station the TV gets is PBS"

"So maybe this is heaven after all!" the newcomer exclaims.

"Yeah...except for one thing," the other guy retorts, "it's always pledge week."

11/11/07

New Definitions

Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in a divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Tourists - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

Dancing Baloney - Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help."

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in."

11/10/07

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"

The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was "dry" and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was smoking a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey you!"

So the koala looked down at him and said, "Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude..... How much water did you drink?!!"

Thanks to Bev Sims

11/9/07

Bill Gates died and went to heaven and was given a little cottage in the woods. Next door the captain of the Titanic lived in a mansion on a hill with a golf course and tennis courts.

"Why does he deserve better?" Bill asked God.

God replied, "The Titanic only crashed once."

11/8/07

What happens if you don't pay your exorcist?

You get repossessed.

11/7/07

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

“I would like a Sprite,” said the first little piggy.

“I would like a Coke,” said the second little piggy.

“I want beer, lots and lots of beer,” said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

“I want a nice big steak,” said the first piggy.

“I would like the salad plate,” said the second piggy.

“I want beer, lots and lots of beer,” said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

“I want a banana split,” said the first piggy.

“I want a cheesecake,” said the second piggy.

“I want beer, lots and lots of beer,” exclaimed the third little piggy. “Pardon me for asking,” said the waiter to the third little piggy, “but why have you only ordered beer all evening?”

The third piggy says, "Well, somebody has to go ‘Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!’”

Thanks to Bev Sims

11/6/07

A blonde went in the store to buy pink curtains for her computer monitor.

The salesman said, "But computers don't need curtains!"

She said, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!"

11/5/07

Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic?

He always thought he was following someone.

11/4/07

An angel is talking to God. The angel says, "Look, God. I know that you're all-seeing and all-knowing, but for the knock-knock joke to work, you HAVE to say 'Who's there?'"

11/3/07

Gardeners' playing cards - weed 'em and reap.

11/2/07

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

Thanks to Jack Katosh

11/1/07

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

10/31/07

A man was in the hospital for a series of tests. After several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea.

He jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

Thanks to Daphne Coates

10/30/07

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

10/29/07

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

10/28/07

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

10/27/07

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

10/26/07

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

10/25/07

Varley’s Top Ten Clues Dumbledore Was Gay

10. Owns magic jukebox containing every song Judy Garland ever sang.

9. Headmaster at Hogwarts, webmaster at wellhungelves.com.

8. Surprise late-night “broomstick inspections,” if you know what I mean.

7. Embarrassing tendency to shout fellatianus! when he meant expelliarmus!

6. First year at Hogwarts, was devastated to learn that “Greek Studies” was about language and history.

5. Always pestering Hagrid about whether he is a giant “in every sense of the word.”

4. Year after year, the same costume at the Wizard’s Ball: Ethel Merman.

3. Occupied stall next to Senator Larry Craig on that fateful day in Minneapolis.

2. Kicked out of Hufflepuff House for too much huffle puffing.

1. In his native Parseltongue, Albus Dumbledore means “flamin’ nancy-boy.”

10/24/07

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

10/23/07

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

10/22/07

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS?'"

10/21/07

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. 

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.  He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.  Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit!"

Thanks to Jack Katosh

10/20/07

Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.

1019/07

For all of us who are married, were married, wish  they were married, or wish they weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade....."

1018/07

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

1017/07

An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.

She said: I want to keep my house.

He said: That's fine with me.

She said: And I want to keep my Cadillac.

He said: That's fine with me.

She said: And I want to have sex 6 times a week.

He said: That's fine with me.... Put me down for Friday.

1016/07

Friction. It's such a drag. And gravity sucks too.

1015/07

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

1014/07

A poor soul worked at a company making blankets. He lost his job when the company folded.

1013/07

We painted our floor with luminous paint. So now the florescent what it used to be.

1012/07

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

1011/07

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

10/8/07

Without geometry, life is pointless.

10/7/07

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

10/5/07

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

10/4/07

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10/3/07

Practice safe eating: always use condiments.

10/2/07

Thanks to Tim Thrush

10/1/07

Inanimate gender

Ziploc bags are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A tire is male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

A hot air balloon is male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges are female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

A web page is female, because it's always getting hit on.

A subway is male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

An hourglass is female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

A hammer is male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

A remote control is female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

9/30/07

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.

Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

Theology is a game whose object is to bring rules into the subjective.

9/29/07

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

9/27/07

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles a day. One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed he was tan all over except his "thingie."

So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand except for his thingie, which he left sticking out.

Two old ladies were walking on the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thingie sticking up in the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There is no justice in the world."

The other lady asked what she meant.

She said: "When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild on the beach, and I'm too old to squat!"

Thanks to Gayle Martin

9/26/07

A traveling salesman was held up by a bad storm in the Hawaiian Islands. He sent an e-mail to his corporate headquarters advising them that he was stranded for a few days and requested instructions.

The reply came back shortly: "Begin vacation as of yesterday."

9/25/07

Four-word story of employment: Hired, tired, mired, fired.

9/24/07

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

9/23/07

A friend of mine told some jokes about religion and got put on the Sects Offenders List.

9/22/07

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

9/21/07

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

9/20/07

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons" where :) means a smile and :( means a frown. Well, here are some "ass-cons."

(_!_) a regular ass

(___!___) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_._) a flat ass

(_^_) a bubble ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_0_) an ass that's been more around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a sleepy ass

(_o^o_) a wise ass

(_13_) an unlucky ass

(_?_) dumbass

9/19/07

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds, visiting homebound patients, when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of the them turned to the other and said: “If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.”

9/16/07

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight!"

He was right.  When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

Thanks to Jack Katosh

9/15/07

One night an 87 year old woman came home from bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted-living apartment killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on a charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.

She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex, he could fly."

Thanks to Jack Katosh

9/14/07

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, “When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: ‘Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.’”

“Yeah,” she replies, “When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: ‘Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.’”

Thanks to Jack Katosh

9/13/07

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.”

“My dear,” the shrink said, “that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.”

“The problem is,” she complained, “it wakes me up!”

Thanks to Jack Katosh

9/12/07

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging Baby Boomers.

Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

Ringo Starr - I Get By With a Little Help from Depends

Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon - Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

Marvin Gaye - I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts

Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade of Hair

Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations - Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

Abba - Denture Queen

Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times on the Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy - I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Willie Nelson - On the Throne Again

Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure and I'll Cry If I Want To

Thanks to Jack Katosh

9/11/07

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct …leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Thanks to Jack Katosh

9/10/07

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Thanks to Jack Katosh

9/9/07

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Thanks to Jack Katosh

9/8/07

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, “You're not really a redhead, are you?”

“Well, no,” she said, “I'm actually a blonde.”

“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”

Thanks to Jack Katosh

9/7/07

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”

“Duhhhhh ......,” answered the blonde. “They're watch dogs!”

Thanks to Jack Katosh

9/6/07

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.   Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

“NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT'S A SCARF!”

Thanks to Jack Katosh

9/5/07

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

Thanks to Jack Katosh

9/4/07

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, “We were the first in space!”

The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”

The Blonde said, “So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!”

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

“You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!” said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, “We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!”

Thanks to Jack Katosh

9/3/07

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. “Yoo-hoo!” she shouts, “How can I get to the other side?”

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, “You ARE on the other side.”

Thanks to Jack Katosh

9/2/07

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Thanks to Jack Katosh

9/1/07

Two blondes living in  Oklahoma  were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?”

The other blonde turns and says “Hellooooo, can you see Florida?”

Thanks to Jack Katosh

8/31/07

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of “cocktails,” “highballs” and just a good old-fashioned “stiff drink.”

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thanks to Jack Katosh

8/30/07

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

Thanks to Jack Katosh

8/29/07

8/28/07

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife..."

8/27/07

Thanks to Croz

8/26/07

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Thanks to Croz

8/25/07

Thanks to Croz

8/24/07

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

Thanks to Croz

8/23/07

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Thanks to Croz

8/22/07

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

8/21/07

Guy joins the French Foreign Legion, is sent to the desert in Algeria to a fort in the middle of nowhere. Months pass. He gets extremely horny, but notices that his fellow soldiers are not.

Finally he asks, "How come you guys aren't horny, and I am?"

The sergeant says, "It's because of the camel. Remember that we have the camel in the stable in back."

"The camel?" the guy says. "It's just about the camel?"

"Yes," says the sergeant. "There's only one camel, so you have to sign up for it. I keep the list. You want to be on the list for the camel?"

So the guy says, "Sure, put me on the list."

And the sergeant says, "Okay, you get next Thursday evening."

So on Friday morning, they're mustering, and our friend is limping and black and blue, and can barely walk, and the sergeant says, "Private, what happened to you?"

"Well sir, you said that Thursday night was my night to have the camel, and so I did my best, but I think I must be missing some sort of technique here, because I got kicked to shit."

The sergeant says, "Private, everyone else just rides the camel into town."

Thanks to Melodie Silverwolf

8/20/07

Mark, a loving husband, was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning, Mark got up really early before work. When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house. She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Mark is not yet well enough to have visitors.

Thanks to Jerry Glenn

8/19/07

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat  hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Tourist: $5
Broiled Missionary: $ 10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the Politician?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

Thanks to Jerry Glenn

8/18/07

8/17/07

A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.

"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me 1 dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.

"I know. What has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10 seconds to get back down?"

The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out 10 dollars and gives it to the farmer.

"I don't know. What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10 seconds to get back down?"

The farmer takes the 10 dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out 1 dollar and hands it to the scientist.

"I don't know."

8/16/07

Sincerity is the key to success. Once you have learned to fake it, everything less become easy.

Thanks to Jon Mersel

8/15/07

Joe was busy poring dirt over himself at the park on day. His buddy Jim came by and asked him why he was doing that.  Joe said that he had been reading up on the ancient Greeks. They had the motto of a healthy mind in a healthy body. Joe then said that he was just being proactive.

Thanks to Jon Mersel

8/14/07

Mary, a blond colleague of Mike, had for years been sweet, but not that bright. One day Mike realized that she had become much more insightful in her comments and suggestions. Mike could not stop thinking about this and one day asked Mary what had happened. 

Mary responded, "It's simple; the gray is overtaking the blond.

Thanks to Jon Mersel

8/13/07

The masochistic asked in a pleading voice, “Hurt me.” 

The sadist answered back in the most cruel response, “No.”

Thanks to Jon Mersel

8/12/07

Tired of a lifeless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She looked at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

Thanks to Jack Katosh

8/11/07

Two men were talking. 

“So, how's your sex life?”

“Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex.”

“Social Security sex?”

“Yeah, you know, I get a little each month ... but not enough to live on!”

Thanks to Jack Katosh

8/10/07

A golfer drives off the first tee and lands in a heavily, wooded lot. His 2nd shot bounced off a tree, hit him in the temple and killed him. When he got to the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "I see by the way you are dressed that you're a golfer, are you any good?”

The golfer replied, "I got here in 2, didn't I?"

Thanks to Jack Katosh

8/9/07

A policeman on patrol noticed a car stopped along a highway. He found a driver, an elderly man, crying like a baby. When he asked what was wrong, the driver said, "Here I sit in this late model Mercedes, I'm a millionaire, I live in a mansion and I have a sweet young lady at home waiting for me."

The policeman said, "Then why are you out here all alone crying?"

The driver said, "I forget where I live."

Thanks to Jack Katosh

8/8/07

A man, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to his wife, "I feel horrible, I look fat, ugly and out of shape. Pay me a compliment."

The wife replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

Thanks to Jack Katosh

8/7/07

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

8/6/07

Three lawyers and three engineers were traveling by train to the same meeting. At the station, the lawyers each buy a ticket but the engineers buy just one. When asked why, the engineers coyly said, "You'll see."

They all board the train, the lawyers taking seats, but the three engineers all crowding into the bathroom. After the train has left, the conductor comes around and takes the lawyers tickets and knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket Please." An arm stretches out from the bathroom and the conductor takes the proffered ticket. The lawyers were very impressed.

On the return trip, the lawyers proposed to emulate the gearheads and bought only one ticket. To their amazement, the engineers bought no ticket at all. When asked, the engineers said, "You'll see."

All board the train and the lawyers and engineers cram into separate bathrooms to await the conductor. After a few minutes, one of the gearheads emerges from the bathroom, goes over to the lawyers' bathroom, knocks on the door and says: "Ticket please."

8/5/07

A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.

St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.

Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.

He says, "I'm still working on it."

Two years pass by and no marriage.

St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.

Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.

The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.

"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.

St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"

8/4/07

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

8/3/07

There was an Irishman, a New Zealand man and an American man standing on the roof of a building, with an awning below them.

The American said to the Irishman: "I bet I could jump off this roof, land on the awning and bounce back off." So he jumped off, hit the awning, and was soon back on the roof. "There. Now you try." he said to the Irishman.

So the Irishman jumped off, and fell SPLAT on the ground.

The New Zealander said to the American: "Jeez, Superman, you are a real jerk sometimes!"

8/2/07

A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off: "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."

Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job... Lead us not into temptation."

8/1/07

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Bob always wanted a pair of Authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Martha?"

Martha looks him over, "Nope."

Bob says excitedly, "Come on, Martha, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Martha looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, Bob storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"

Martha looks up and says, "Bob, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and the damn thing will be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bob Yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY THE SON OF A B**** IS HANGING DOWN, MARTHA? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

To which Martha replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bob. Shoulda bought a hat." 

Thanks to Mike Stamm

7/31/07

The Oklahoma Highway Patrol, as In most of the United States, has a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop down to single digits or below.

About 3 AM, one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon (Oklahoma Highway Patrol) responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Shattuck, OK. He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him.

The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the State Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.

Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding, but still stationary car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping up with him.

This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper yelled at the man to 'Pull over!' The man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the engine.

Needless to say, the man from Dumas, Texas was arrested, and is probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Oklahoma who could run 50 miles per hour.

Who says Troopers don't have a sense of humor?

Thanks to Joan Litel

7/30/07

Ginny went to visit her friend Tina in the big city. Since she was a believer in daily practice, she took her accordion along for the trip. She arrived late, and parked outside Tina’s apartment, but felt too tired to carry anything other than her toothbrush up the several flights of stairs. She asked Tina whether the accordion would be safe in the back seat of her car for the night. “Well, it’s a pretty safe section of town,” was Tina’s response. “I think you’ll probably be okay.”

The next morning they headed out to get some breakfast, and found their worst fear realized. During the night somebody had broken one of the rear windows of the car, and on the back seat there were now two accordions.

Thanks to Paul Sanchez

7/29/07

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi were debating the merits of their respective religions, and came up with a way to determine once and for all whose was the best. Each of them were to go into the woods and find a bear and try to convert him.

After a few days they met again. So, Father, how did you do?

“Faith and begorrah! I encountered that wee ursine and sprinkled him with holy water. This calmed him down enough that I quickly handed him a rosary and taught him the Hail Mary. Soon I had him studying his catechism, and this very moment he is on his knees at Our Lady of Perpetual Responsibility, confessing his sins!”

Very impressive! What about you, Reverend?

“Praise Jay-sus-uh! I found that hairy sinner and rassled him into the river, baptizing him in the blood of the lamb! Let me hear you say amen! Then I asked the Lord to heal the bear's sore paw, and Lo and Behold! He was healed! I dragged him into church, and praise Jay-sus-uh, he was born again before the whole congregation!”

All agreed that it was a wonder and a miracle. Then they turned to the rabbi, who was in a full body cast, covered with bite marks and scratches. What on earth happened, Rabbi?

“Oy," said the Rabbi. "Maybe it vasn't such a hot idea, starting out with the circumcision.”

7/28/07

Q: How can you tell if your pizza delivery guy is a drummer in a rock 
band?

A: When he knocks on your door he keeps increasing the tempo, but he doesn't know when to come in.

Thanks to Paul Sanchez

7/27/07

Q: How do you get a rock guitarist to turn down the volume?

A: Hand him sheet music.

Thanks to Paul Sanchez

7/26/07

Q: What does it mean when your drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth at the same time?

A: The stage is level.

Thanks to Paul Sanchez

7/25/07

A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be.

The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned your house down."

The violist replies, "You're kidding!! The conductor came to my house?"

7/24/07

A scientific expedition disembarks from its plane at the final outpost of civilization in the deepest Amazon rain forest. They immediately notice the ceaseless thrumming of native drums. As they venture further into the bush, the drums never stop, day or night, for weeks.

The lead scientist asks one of the natives about this, and the native's only reply is, "Drums good. Drums never stop. Very BAD if drums stop."

The drumming continues, night and day, until one night, six weeks into the trip, when the jungle is suddenly silent. Immediately the natives run screaming from their huts, covering their ears. The scientists grab one boy and demand, "What is it? The drums have stopped!"

The terror-stricken youth replies, "Yes! Drums stop! VERY BAD!"

The scientists ask, "Why? Why? What will happen?"

Wild-eyed, the boy responds, " . . . BASS SOLO!!!"

7/23/07

Female vocalist tells her keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny Valentine' tonight... but can you think of a way to 'jazz' it up?"

Keyboard player replies, "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor, then modulate to G# minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor in 3/4 time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!"

She says, "That might be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!"

Keyboard player responds, "Well, that's how you did it last night!"

7/22/07

Muldoon, the farmer, lived alone in the countryside with his pet dog of many years. When his dog died of old age, he asked the parish priest, "Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "Muldoon, I'm sorry to hear of your dog's death, but we can't be holding services for an animal in the church. However, there's a new denomination down the road, and maybe they would do something for the animal."

Muldoon said, "Thank you, Father. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?"

The Father quickly responded, "Son! Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"

7/21/07

Researchers wanted to determine if dogs took on the characteristics of their masters. So they set up an experiment in their lab with three dog owners and their dogs. The first owner was a mathematician, the second a chemist, the third a musician!

The first dog, owned by the mathematician, was quite impressive, and when thrown a bunch of milk bones onto the floor, used her paws to begin arranging them into elaborate mathematical equations! "Pretty good!" said the researchers, "but not conclusive!"

The second dog, owned by the chemist, when thrown a bunch of milk bones on the floor, began to arrange them to display complex chemical formulas! "Not bad!" said the researchers, "but still not conclusive enough!"

The third dog, owned by the musician, came late, ate all the bones, made it with the other two dogs, then left early!

With this final result, the researchers determined that dogs DO take on characteristics of their owners.

7/20/07

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."

A southern fairytale begins “Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit!...”

7/19/07

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a redneck joke?"

The guy beside him stiffens. "Before you start, buddy, I think you oughta know something: I'm 6' 2" tall, weigh 200 pounds. I was born and raised a redneck. This ol' boy sittin' next to me is 6' 4", 225 and a redneck through and through. And that redneck sittin' next to him is better'n 6' 6", 275. Now, sonny, do you still want to tell your little joke?"

To which the first guy replies, "Nah. I'd hate to have to explain it three times!"

7/18/07

A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor asks the violist, "What's wrong?"

The violist answers, "The second oboe loosened one of my tuning pegs."

The conductor replies, "I admit, that seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you crying?"

To which the violist replies, "He won't tell me which one!"

7/17/07

Two redneck hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their pickup truck. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey," says the lone hunter, "I don't want to tell you how to do something... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the opposite direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the lone hunter left, the two rednecks decided to give it a try. A little while later one says to the other, "Ya know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yep," the other added, "but we're gittin' further away from the truck...."

7/16/07

Words Women Use

Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right AND you need to shut up.

Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means “something” and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in “fine.”

Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission. DON’T DO IT!

Do Whatever You Want
This is similar to “Go Ahead” but much worse. It means that, although a woman knows you’re a moron for not doing what she said, she is allowing you to make a complete idiot of yourself, abdicating all responsibility and accountability on her part, and waiting to critique your ignominious failure.

Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing.”

That’s Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you, do not question it. Just say you’re welcome and back out of the room slowly.

7/15/07

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shone his light around, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, eh? Who the hell are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses," the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

"Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus," the bird answered.

7/14/07

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance," says the husband, “it is 3 o'clock in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing!” replies the drunk.

7/13/07

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

7/12/07

A little girl picked up an item from the ground and started to put it in her mouth. Her mom told her to put it down because it was dirty and had germs.

The girl asked, "How do you know this stuff?"

The woman answered, "It's on the Mommy Test--you have to know, or they don't let you be a mommy."

The girl said, "So if you flunk, you have to be the daddy?"

7/11/07

A small, rural West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem, the gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time, redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.

Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to fuck the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."

The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

7/10/07

Young Boudreaux applied for an engineering job way, way up north in Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The manager went up to Boudreaux and said "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the local man the job."

Boudreaux said, "Why you gonna be doin dat sir, we both got 9 questions right?"

The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed."

Boudreaux asked, "An jus how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo betta dan da otter?"

The manager replied, "Simple, the local man put down on question #5, 'I don't know,' you put down, 'neither do I.'”

7/9/07

The teacher of the school geography class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked: "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"

After a confused silence, little Johnny volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone!"

7/8/07

During his sermon one Sunday, the local preacher told his congregation that the entire range of human experience could be found in the Bible. He confidently stated, "If anything can happen to humans, it is described somewhere in the Bible."

After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said, "Reverend, I don't think the Bible mentions anything about PMS."

The preacher told the woman he was certain he could find a reference to PMS somewhere in scripture.

During the following week, he searched diligently, book-by-book, chapter-by-chapter and verse-by-verse.

On the following Sunday, the woman came up to him and asked, "Did you find any references to PMS in the Bible?"

The preacher smiled, opened his Bible and began to read, "... and Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

7/7/07

A little boy comes home from school one day and tells his dad that he got an F in math. His father says, “What happened?”

To which the little boy replies, “Well, my teacher asked me what 2 x 3 is, and I said 6.”

“Well,” the father says, “that's right.”

“I know,” says the little boy. “And then she said what is 3 x 2?” 

The father says, “What the fuck is the difference?” 

The boy replies, “That's what I said.”

Thanks to Annie Banks

7/6/07

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

DR PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on THIS side of the road before it goes after the problem on the OTHER SIDE of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his CURRENT problems before adding NEW problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side."  That's why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2010, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \ ..... [reboot]

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of cross the road?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

7/5/07

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up and unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.

She's such a Bitch...

Thanks to Francine Glenn

7/4/07

Thanks to Jerry Glenn

7/2/07

Some men in a pickup truck drive to a lumberyard. One of the men walks into the office and says, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asks, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man says, "I'll go check," and goes back to the truck.

He returns shortly and says, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer pauses for a moment and says, "I'd better go check."

After a while, he returns to the office and says, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

7/1/07

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.

The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, “Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?”

“Phew, that one's easy,” says the teacher, “the Titanic.”

“Alright,” said St. Peter, “you may pass.”

Then the thief got his question: “How many died on the Titanic?”

The thief replied, “That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people.” And so he passed through.

Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: “Name them.”

6/30/07

An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We took an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country was looking for work the next day."

6/29/07

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

6/28/07

A little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself."

"What?" the operator exclaimed.

"I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.

"Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?"

"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!"

6/27/07

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a fancy costume party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says: "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part."

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads: "Dear Sir, since we have not been able to make you happy, this is our last suggestion, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass, and go as a caramel apple!"

6/26/07

Somebody from a local charity is going over some files and realizes he hasn't gotten any donations from the most successful lawyer in town.

So the man calls the lawyer and says, "Our records show that you haven't made any donations to us."

The lawyer says, "Well, did your records show that my mom is sick with bills three times her annual income, or that my sister's husband died in an accident which left her penniless with three children, or that my brother is blind and has no money to pay for an aid or a nurse."

"I’m so sorry," replied the man. "I had no idea."

Then the lawyer says, "So, if I don't give any money to them, why would I give any money to you?"

6/25/07

An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

6/24/07

Mother Superior: I've just been informed that we have a case of gonorrhea.

Sister Mary: Oh, good! I'm really tired of Chardonnay.

6/22/07

A man reads the sign in the window of a brain store.

Engineer brain - $3.00 oz.
Programmer brain - $4.00 oz.
Lawyer brain - $1000.00 oz.

He goes into the store and asks the butcher why the lawyer brain costs so much.

The butcher replies: "Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

6/21/07

A bus load of politicians is driving by a farm. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. The farmer comes out, sees the politicians, and buries them.

The next day, the police are at the farm questioning the farmer. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

The farmer replied, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."

6/20/07

I rear-ended a car a few days ago....I'll tell you it wasn't a good experience.

The driver got out of the other car...he was a dwarf.

He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy!"

Thanks to Mike Stamm

6/19/07

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day, so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.

The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer," says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer.

"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replies.

Thanks to Jack Katosh

6/18/07

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. The husband watches the man tie his wife to the bed and kiss her neck. Then the man goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

6/17/07

One day Jesus was out for a walk, strolling near the walls surrounding heaven, when he heard an old man's voice call from the other side.

"Hello? Hello?"

Jesus replied, "Who is it?"

"Just a poor, old carpenter searching for his son," the old man replied.

Jesus' heart leapt with joy and he called out, "Joseph?"

The voice answered back, "Pinocchio?"

6/16/07

A watermelon farmer was having a problem with some local kids sneaking into his watermelon patch at night and eating his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.

He posted a sign in the field: "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

When the farmer returned the next morning, there was a sign next to his sign: "Now there are two!"

6/15/07

There's a stoner and a super genius sitting on a bench waiting on a bus. The genius gets bored, leans over to the stoner and says, "Hey I'll tell you what, I'll ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you have to give me five bucks. If you ask me a question and I don't know the answer I have to give you fifty bucks."

The stoner says, "Alright, Man."

The genius asks the stoner, "What is the Pythagorean Theory?"

The stoner replies, "I don't know," and hands the genius five bucks.

"Okay," the stoner says, "What has three legs going up a hill and four legs going down?"

The genius thinks real hard and finally gives up. he hands the stoner fifty bucks and then asks, "So, what is the answer?"

The stoner says, "I don't know," and hands the genius five bucks.

6/14/07

Late one night in Washington, DC, a mugger jumps a well-dressed man and holds a gun to his ribs.

"Give me your money!" he demands.

The man says indignantly, "You can't do this to me - I'm a US Congressman!"

"In that case," the robber says, "give me my money!"

6/13/07

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned - it will not work again for another year!"

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce.

He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123." He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life, just as the medicine man had promised.

Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

And that, my friends, is why you should not end a sentence with a preposition!

Thank to Jack Katosh

6/12/07

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.

"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."

"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

6/11/07

Two atoms are walking down the street when they run into each other. The first says to the second, "Are you all right? You don't look so good."

"I'm not feeling very well," says the second atom. "I lost an electron!"

"Are you sure?" asks the first.

"Yeah, I'm positive!"

6/10/07

One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the job.

He finished first side and it was looking great. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didn't want to run back in town and being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed out back, and began to thin his paint.

It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint.

That night, it rained really hard. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side was looking great, but that the paint on the other three sides had washed away.

The pastor looked up in sky in anguish and cried out, "What shall I do?"

A voice came back from the heavens saying, "Repaint, and thin no more!"

6/9/07

Two men dressed in pilot uniforms walk up the aisle. Both wear dark glasses, one has a guide dog and the other a white cane. The passengers stare as the men enter the cockpit. The door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing around nervously, searching for some sign that this is a practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. The passengers begin screaming. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air and the passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly.

In the cockpit, one pilot turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

6/8/07

Thanks to Francine Glenn

6/7/07

Two Texans are seated at the end of a bar when a gorgeous woman sits down at the other end and orders a martini. The guys are debating whether to approach her, when all of a sudden, she clutches her throat and begins to cough; she turns blue. One Texan runs over to her and pulls up her skirt, pulls down the back of her panties and licks her butt. She is so shocked that she coughs up the olive and begins to breath again.

The other Texan says to his hero friend, "I guess that hind lick maneuver really does work.”

6/6/07

An American and his Czechoslovakian friend were out walking in the forest. They rounded a corner and right in front of them stood a giant grizzly bear. Before they could make a move, the bear jumped up and ate the European.

The American turned and ran. He pulled out his cell phone and called the local forest ranger. In no time, an experienced ranger was upon the scene, and they headed back to find the man eating bear.

They neared the site where the man was eaten. They came upon two bears, a male and a female. The ranger asked the American which bear ate his friend. The American replied that it was the male, the bigger of the two.

With that, the fearless ranger pulled out his hunting knife, and with one fell swoop, slashed open the belly of the female, and out popped the man's friend.

"Never trust someone when they say the Czech is in the male."

6/5/07

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are in a contest to prove who is best at apprehending criminals. The President releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They make no apologies. They say the rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

6/4/07

Deep within a forest a little turtle begins to climb a tree. Hours later when he reaches the top, he jumps into the air frantically waving his front legs. He crashes to the ground and picks himself up and begins climbing the tree again.

Two birds sit on a branch nearby. One says to the other, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”

6/3/07

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship the Lord."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

6/2/07

George W and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Dubya told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened.

About 1 hour later George sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked George.

"Well, the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me," said the driver.

"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Dubya.

The driver replies, "I'm George W Bush's driver, and I just killed the pig."

6/1/07

At a social gathering, one woman asks another, “Why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

“I married the wrong man," she replied.

5/31/07

A senior citizen in Florida gets pulled over for speeding. The trooper walks up to the car.

"Sir," he says, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looks at the trooper and says, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The trooper replies, "Sir, have a nice day."

5/30/07

What's the difference between a porcupine and Hummer?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

5/29/07

A woman and her friend are walking down the sidewalk when they come upon a frog. The frog looks up at them and says, "Please help me, I'm a jazz saxophonist and a witch put a horrible spell on me and turned me into a frog. If one of you picks me up and kisses me, the spell will be broken and I'll turn back into a jazz saxophonist... I'll marry you, play you the most beautiful songs all the time, take you to all my gigs if you want, and we'll live happily ever after."

The woman picks up the frog, puts it in her handbag and starts walking away very quickly. Her friend runs to catch up to her & asks, "Aren't you going to kiss the frog?!?!?"

The woman replies, "Hell NO! A talking frog is worth a hell of lot more than a jazz saxophonist!"

5/28/07

Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a “get acquainted” tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal!

That afternoon, George W. told Laura about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been that the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who peed in your saxophone."

5/27/07

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above: "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

5/26/07

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

They ask, "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

5/25/07

A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, “All lawyers are assholes!” He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.

“No, I’m an asshole.”

5/24/07

5/23/07

You hear about the guy who went to a psychiatrist and said, “I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam?”

The shrink said, “Relax, you’re too tents.”

Thanks to Ben Rehder

5/22/07

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was waiting at a taxi stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he placed his suitcase in the car and took a seat next to it.

"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?" asked the taxi driver.

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight.

"No, sir, I have never seen you before."

The puzzled Doyle asked him how he knew he was Conan Doyle.

"This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you're a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. And so, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

Doyle remarked, "This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counterpart to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes."

"There is one other thing," the driver said.

"What is that?"

"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."

5/21/07

Three men, one German, one Japanese and a Texan were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager, " he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Texan felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows, their eyes fixed on the toilet paper.

The Texan looked back and said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."

5/20/07

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.

The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your dad."

5/19/07

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat."

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and another.

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

5/18/07

Once upon a time back in the old west, a group of people was traveling through Texas by stagecoach. One of the travelers, clearly identifiable as a Yankee by both his dress and accent, kept pressing up against the attractive young lady next to him and making suggestive comments. Finally, to her mortal embarrassment, he said in a voice loud enough to be heard by everybody "I'll give you $20 for a blow job at the next rest stop."

The passenger sitting across from him calmly pulled out his six-shooter and shot the cad through the heart.

"Thank you, sir, for avenging my honor!" gushed the grateful young lady.

"Honor, hell!" said the Texan, "I wasn't about to let any damn Yankee raise the price of a Texas blow job!"

Thanks to Paul Sanchez

5/17/07

5/16/07

5/15/07

5/14/07

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it.

Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm!

Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth,  then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how company policy begins.

5/12/07

A woman gets pulled over for speeding...

Woman: “Is there a problem, Officer?”

Officer: “Ma'am, you were speeding.”

Woman: “Oh, I see.”

Officer: “Can I see your license please?”

Woman: “I'd give it to you but I don't have one.”

Officer: “Don't have one?”

Woman: “Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.”

Officer: “I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.”

Woman: “I can't do that.”

Officer: “Why not?”

Woman: “I stole this car.”

Officer: “Stole it?”

Woman: “Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.”

Officer: “You what?”

Woman: “His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.”

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: “Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!” The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: “Is there a problem sir?”

Officer 2: “One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.”

Woman: “Murdered the owner?”

Officer 2: “Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.”

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: “Is this your car, ma'am?”

Woman: “Yes, here are the registration papers.” The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.”

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: “Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.”

Woman: “Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.”

Thanks to Mike Stamm

5/11/07

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?”

Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”

“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?”

“Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”

5/10/07

5/9/07

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Thanks to Jack Katosh

5/8/07

An elderly Kansas man suffered a massive heart attack.

The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.

After what seemed like a very long wait, the doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face. Sadly, he said, “I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating.”

“Oh, Dear God,” cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock! “We've never had a Republican in the family before!”

Thanks to Joan Litel

5/7/07

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. “You know what?” says the 6 year old, “I think it's about time we started cussing.”

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, “When  we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.”

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, “You can stay there until I let you out!”

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”

“I don't know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios.”

Thanks to Daphne Coates

5/6/07

After years of his wife's pleading, this good ol boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the Preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand. He said, “Reverend, that was the best gawddamn sermon I ever did hear!”

The Preacher replied, “Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please...I'd appreciate it if you didn't use the Lord's name in vain!”

The man said, “I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was a good gawddamn sermon!”

The Preacher said, “Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way at Church!”

The man said, “Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so gawddamn good, I put $500.00 in the collection plate!”

And the Preacher said, “NO SHIT?!”

5/5/07

God was talking to Adam and Eve one day just before Creation. He asked, "Well, you two, I only have a couple more goodies left to hand out before my job is done. Which one of you wants to be able to pee standing up?"

Adam raises his hand and yells, "Me, Me, pick me!!" So God obliged.

God looks at Eve and says, "Well, sorry Eve...but it looks like you're stuck with the multiple orgasms."

5/4/07

A very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Texas one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin’ to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window, and said, “Please don't jump. Think of your dear mother and father.”

He replied, “Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump.”

She said, “Well, think of your wife and children.”

He replied, “I'm not married and I don't have any kids.”

She said, “Well, think of the Alamo.”

He replied, “'What's the Alamo?”

She replied, “Well, bless your heart, you just go ahead and jump, you dumb ass Yankee.”

Thanks to Joan Litel

5/3/07

5/2/07

President George W Bush was scheduled to visit the Episcopal Church outside Washington as part of his campaign to restore his poll standings. Bush's campaign manager made a visit to the Bishop, and said to him, “We've been getting a lot of bad publicity because of the President's position on stem cell research, the war in Iraq, Katrina, and the like. We would gladly make a contribution to your church of $100,000.00, if during your sermon, you'd say, ‘George W Bush is a Saint.’”

The Bishop thought it over for a few moments and then said, “The church is in desperate need of funds and I will agree to do it.”

On Sunday, President Bush arrived for the sermon and the Bishop began:

“I'd like to speak to you this morning about our President. George W Bush is a liar, a cheat, and a low intelligence weasel. He took the tragedy of Sept. 11th and used it to frighten and manipulate the American people. He lied about weapons of mass destruction and invaded Iraq for oil & money, causing the deaths of tens of thousands and making the United States the most hated country on Earth. He appointed cronies to positions of power & influence, leading to widespread death & destruction during Hurricane Katrina. He awarded tax cuts to his rich friends so that we now have more poverty in this country, and a greater gap between rich and poor than we've had since the depression. He instituted illegal wiretaps, when getting a warrant from a secret court would have been a mere administrative detail, had his henchmen lie to congress about it; then claimed he is above the law. He has headed the most corrupt, bribe-inducing political party since Teapot Dome. The national surplus has been turned into a staggering national debt of 7.6 Trillion Dollars, gas prices are up 85%, and vital research into global warming and stem cells is stopped cold because he's afraid to lose votes from some religious kooks. He is the worst example of a true Christian I've ever known.

“BUT, compared to Dick Cheney and Karl Rove, George W Bush is a SAINT!”

5/1/07

There once was a snail that wanted to buy a Nissan Z car. So, he went to a dealership and bought a car.

"But," he said to the salesperson, "I would like my car personalized. Would it be possible to have the Z replaced with an S?"

The dealer said yes, and it was done.

And, as the snail raced around the city in his brand new car, everyone would say, "Wow, look at that S-car-go."

4/30/07

An elderly woman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. She went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have her fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the her to hear 100%. She went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The woman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

4/29/07

4/28/07

Reminds me of an old Justin Wilson joke. A rich guy liked to speed in his Cadillac, and a Louisiana Highway Petroleum liked to hang out on the road near the guy's house and write him speeding tickets. The guy would come zooming out of his driveway, speed up to 100 miles per hour, and here would come the highway cop on his Harley, telling him to pull over. The guy would, and take his ticket, and drive off, cursing the LHP.

One day the rich guy had enough. He called a friend of his and asked him if he could drop a new engine into his caddy. He wanted to be able to do 180 mph in it. The friend said, sure, I kin do dat t'ing. So he did, and the next day he came zooming out of his driveway. 60, 70, 100 miles per hour. The cop pulled up alongside him and motioned him to the side of the road. The guy floors it. 120, 140, 180 miles an hour! He looks in his rearview mirror and the cop ain't there. He stops, turns around, goes back.

Long, long skid marks, and there's the cop and his bike in a ditch. The guy pulls the cop out.

“What the hell happen to you, man?” he asks.

“Well, I was goin' 100 miles an hour and den you take off out front of me. I figured my bike done stopped, so I got off ...”

4/27/07

4/26/07

4/25/07

4/24/07

4/23/07

4/22/07

4/21/07

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided, along with a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're kiddin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

4/20/07

4/19/07

So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says Vice President Cheney, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted leader. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Vice President Cheney searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If Air Force One carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Vice President Cheney, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

4/18/07

Next time you got to the hospital, consider this.

Q: What do they call the person who graduates last in the class in medical school?

A: Doctor.

4/17/07

4/16/07

4/15/07

4/14/07

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that! I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

4/13/07

4/12/07

4/11/07

4/10/07

4/9/07

4/8/07

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.

Two weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope declined.

A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts.

At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. "The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!"

4/7/07

4/6/07

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one ... right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall." Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turn and says as she walks away, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

4/3/07

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path.

He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him!

At that instant the Atheist cried out: “Oh my God!....”

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: “You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”

The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?”

“Very well,” said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive from thy bounty. Amen.”

4/2/07

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

4/1/07

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

3/31/07

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost $4000.00, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."  

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

3/30/07

A couple in their nineties were both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she insists.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream! I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, he returns from the kitchen, hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment, then says, "Where's my toast?"

3/29/07

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, “Windy, isn't it?”

Second one says, “No, it's Thursday!”

Third one says, “So am I. Let's go get a beer.”

3/28/07

Fontenot, a Cajun who lived deep in the swampy area of Louisiana, was feeling guilty, so he went to confession. "Father, I tink you ough to know that I kinda took a leetle lumber from dat new construction site a couple a weeks ago."

Priest: "What did you do with the lumber, my son?"

Fontenot: "Well, Father, my porch, she's had a hole for a long time. I'm 'fraid someone will break dey laig, so I fix de hole."

Priest: "Well, that's not so bad."

Fontenot: "Well, Father, I had a leetle lumber left."

Priest: "What did you do with it?"

Fontenot: "Well, my son's poor dog, Hershey-Phideaux, she ain't never had no place to get outta de weather, so I make her... her own leetle doghouse."

Priest: "OK, anything else?"

Fontenot: "Well, Father, I had a leetle lumber left. So you know, my truck, she ain't never had no place to get outta de wether either, so I make her a two car garage."

Priest: "Now, this is getting a little out of hand."

Fontenot: "Well, Father, I still had a leetle lumber left."

Priest: "Yes?"

Fontenot: "Well, my x-wife, she always want a bigger house. So I add two bedrooms and a new bat'room."

Priest: "OK, Fontenot. That's definitely too much. For your penance, you are going to have to make a Novena. You do know how to make a Novena, don't you?"

Fontenot: "No, Father, I don't ... but if you got de plans, I got de lumber."

3/27/07

A woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay," said the Mom. "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy. "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

3/26/07

Tree friends of Thibadeaux from the local Cajun congregation were asked: “When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like dem to say?”

Jacque said: “I would like dem to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”

Ovide commented: “I would like dem to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.”

Boudreaux said: “I'd like dem to say, ‘Look, he's moving!’”

3/25/07

Jesus and Moses get together for a little reunion.

Moses says, "I haven't parted a sea in a long time." So he raises his hands, and a sea parts. He looks a Jesus and says, "Damn that was fun."

So Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I haven't walk across water in a long time." Jesus starts to walk on water. He gets out about 10 feet and sinks, so he swims back in.

"What the hell went wrong? I'm gonna try again." This time he gets out about 20 feet, and he sinks, so he swims back in.

"I still don't know what happened, I'm gonna try one more time." He gets out about 30 feet and sinks, so he swims back in.

He looks right at Moses and says, "I know why I can't do it. The last time I tried it I didn't have holes in my feet."

3/24/07

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this."

He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

I like it!" said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent, "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."

Thanks to Alex van Luik

3/23/07

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day, so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What's going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer," says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?" asks the Officer.

"Oh, those are my emergency flashers," she replied.

Thanks to Francine Glenn

3/22/07

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, doesn't smell alcohol, and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning  instead of a ticket. So the officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but  lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?" 

The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I'm just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Thanks to Francine Glenn

3/21/07

A minister began with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. “Without you, we are but dust...” 

From the congregation came the clear voice of a child: “Mom, what is butt dust?”

Thanks to Francine Glenn

3/20/07

There was a village idiot who was so stupid that whenever a new visitor came to the village, the townspeople played the following game. They showed the idiot two coins, a nickel and a dime, and offered him his choice of the coins. He inevitably chooses the nickel.

One day a newcomer takes pity on the idiot. After the game is played, he says in private, “You know that the dime is worth twice as much as the nickel?”

The idiot stammers his response, “Yyya, but but if I took the dime, they would stop playing this game with me.”

Thanks to Jon Mersel

3/19/07

A man went to the doctor to complain about a tape worm. The doctor had a rather unorthodox prescription. He requested that the man, each day for after lunch insert an apple up his rectum, then a cookie. This was to be done for a week, after which the man was to make a 1 PM follow-up appointment. Skeptical, but need to do something, the man followed the procedure. At the follow-up appointment, the doctor came in with an apple, a pair of pliers, and a hammer. After the now standard procedure was done with the apple, the doctor waited with the man who was still in a rather compromising position. After five minutes, the tape worm popped his head out and asked, “Where’s my cookie?”

Thanks to Jon Mersel

3/18/07

3/17/07

3/16/07

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house. After eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen and the two gentlemen were talking.

One said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”

The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”

The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.”

“Do you mean a rose?”

“Yes, that's the one.”

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

3/15/07

This is a short poem made up entirely of actual quotations from George W Bush. These have been arranged, only for aesthetic purposes, by Washington Post writer, Richard Thompson. A wonderful poem like this is too good not to share.

MAKE THE PIE HIGHER

I think we all agree, the past is over.

This is still a dangerous world.

It's a world of madmen and uncertainty

And potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked

Is our children learning?

Will the highways of the Internet

Become more few?

How many hands have I shaked?

They misunderestimate me.

I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.

I know that the human being

And the fish can coexist.

Families is where our nation finds hope, Where our wings take dream.

Put food on your family!

Knock down the tollbooth!

Vulcanize society!

Make the pie higher!

I am the Decider!

Thanks to Jack Katosh

3/14/07

Jack was engaged to be married to Jill, and he really loved her, but she had a younger sister, Jane, sexy as hell, who kept coming on to him. One day he was over at their house to pick up some wedding invitations and no one was there but Jane, who was dressed in a miniskirt and a low cut blouse. She immediately started flirting with him.

"Are you sure you're ready for marriage?" she said. "You ready to have sex with one woman for the rest of your life?"

"I suppose so," Jack said. So Jane stood up and took off her blouse and skirt and walked into the bedroom, leaving him on the couch.

Jack thought about it, got up, and headed right out the front door. And there, standing on the porch, was the father of the girls, a huge guy who could have torn Jack apart with his bare hands. But he was smiling.

"Jack, you just passed my little test." He slapped Jack on the back and took him out for a beer.

Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Thanks to Jack Katosh

3/13/07

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

Thanks to Jack Katosh

3/12/07

A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.

She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house. Then he asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said: "FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

Thanks to Jack Katosh

3/11/07

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic--and since it was Lent, they were forbidden to eat meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest stopped by to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass---and the Priest sprinkled holy water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist and raised as a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors.

As the priest rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary, and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

3/10/07

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office.  The IRS is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.  I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph.  "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay.  Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.  Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness.  He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks.  "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.  But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

Thank you, Jack Katosh

3/9/07

Subject: US Population

The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 20 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice.
Really nice.

Thank you, Melodie Silverwolf

3/8/07

An elderly lady visits her doctor. When he arrives to interview her, she hems and haws for a while before finally working up her nerve to discuss the real reason for her visit.

"Actually, doctor, I'm here to see you about a problem that's sort of embarrassing. I keep having silent odorless gaseous emissions. In fact, I've had three silent odorless gaseous emissions since you entered the room!"

The doctor nods, and says "No problem, ma'am, I know just how to take care of this. First we'll get you to a specialist who can fit you for a hearing aid, and then we'll do some lab work to find out what's wrong with your sense of smell."

Thank you, Paul Sanchez

3/7/07

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center, sitting on a bench beneath a tree: one turns to the other says, “Slim, I'm 83 years old now and just full of aches and pains. You're about my age, how do you feel?”

Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”

“Really!? Like a newborn baby?”

“Yep. No hair. No teeth. And I think I just wet my pants.”

3/6/07

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to a doctor who was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

In a month, he went back to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I've not told the family yet; just sit around and listen to the conversations. Have changed my will three times!"

3/5/07

A man in Alabama had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire.”

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it either.”

Thank you, Francine Glenn

3/4/07

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents  and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her: "Hello!" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you!"

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

3/3/07

An Alabama State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-85. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

3/2/07

NEWS FLASH! - Alabama's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Alabama University students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the numbers to climb as digging continues into the evening.

The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

3/1/07

The young man from Alabama came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?

"The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

2/28/07

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

2/27/07

The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from The University of Alabama and I need some heIp. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

You gotta love those Alabama women.

2/26/07

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh, I see," replied the boy. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The Dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool," says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then, who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the Dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

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