12/31/08

Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry it will take just five minutes.

Patient: And how much will it cost?

Dentist: It's $90.00.

Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work?

Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.

12/30/08

Willy was bashful, awful bashful. Well one day he takes a heifer over to Graves’ bull. Ever’body was out but Elsie, and Elsie wasn’t bashful at all. Willy, he stood there turning red an’ he couldn’t even talk. Elsie says, “I know what you come for; the bull’s out back a the barn.” Well, they took the heifer out there an’ Willy an’ Elsie sat on the fence to watch. Purty soon Willy got to feelin’ purty fly. Elsie looks over and says, like she don’t know, “What’s a matter, Willy?” Willy’s so randy he can’t hardly set still. “By God,” he says, “by God, I wisht I was a-doin’ that.” Elsie says, “Why not, Willy? It’s your heifer.”

Thanks to John Steinbeck

12/29/08

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"

"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.

"That's it, I can never remember that word."

12/28/08

When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."

"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.'"

"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. The first is: Which two days of the week begin with the letter T?"

"That’s easy," said Forest, "it’s Today and Tomorrow."

St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer. The next question is:  How many seconds are in a year?

"Twelve," said Forest."

"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.

"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"

St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. The final question is: What is God’s first name?”

"It’s Andy," said Forest.

"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with Andy?"

"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."

St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"

12/27/08

The Love Story of Ralph and Edna

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.”

Edna replied, “He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?”

Thanks to Mike Stamm

12/26/08

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment.

As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into heaven. Others, though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.

"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?"

"Ah, those..." Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Seattle, they're too wet to burn."

12/25/08

Do you know what would have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men?

They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.

12/24/08

A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption at birth. One of the twins went to a family in Egypt, and was named "Amal." The other twin went to a family in Spain, and they named him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responded, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

12/23/08

The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages. The Library will include:

The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.

The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.

The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.

The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.

The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.

The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.

The National Debt room which is huge and has no ceiling.

The Tax Cut Room with entry only to the wealthy.

The Economy Room which is in the toilet.

The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes a fifth time.

The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shotgun gallery.

The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.

The Supreme Court's Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.

The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.

The Decider Room complete with dart board, Magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.

The museum will also have an electron microscope to help you locate the President's accomplishments.

Thanks to Annie Banks

12/22/08

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, and honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking along when they simultaneously spotted a hundred-dollar bill laying in the street. Who gets it?

A: The old drunk, of course. The other three are mythological creatures.

12/21/08

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, l have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but l have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and l will put them in with my two male parrots who l taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!"

12/20/08

A Microsoft support man goes to a firing range. He shoots 10 bullets at the target 50m away.

The supervisor checks the target and sees that there's not even a single hit. He shouts, "You missed it completely."

The man tells him to recheck, and gets the same answer.

He puts his finger in front of the gun muzzle and shoots, blasting off his finger. He shouts back, "It's working perfectly here, the problem must be at your end."

12/19/08

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"

12/18/08

A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet.

Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why did you put up such a fight?"

To which the man promptly replied "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"

12/17/08

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Sarah, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

12/16/08

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.

The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."

The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.

She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"

12/15/08

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center.

The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot.

"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?"

"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."

12/14/08

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

12/13/08

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16.

She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too. When you take this parcel of meat home, tell your mother that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

12/12/08

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on “Involuntary Muscular Contractions” to his first year medical students. He realized that this was not the most riveting subject, so the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, “Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?”

She replied, “Probably deer hunting with his buddies.”

Thanks to Beverly Sims

12/11/08

Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?

A. Put the remote control between his toes.

12/10/08

Q. Why is it good that there are female astronauts?

A. When the crew gets lost in space at least the women will ask for directions.

12/9/08

A man and a woman passengers were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body began shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, “I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?”

“I am so sorry if I disturbed you,” she replied. “I have a very rare medical condition; Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. “I have never heard of that condition before,” he said. “Are you taking anything for it?”

The woman nodded, “Pepper.”

Thanks to Francine Glenn

12/8/08

Psychic Hotline: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

Kermit the Frog: "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"

Psychic Hotline: "No, next semester in her biology class."

12/7/08

A young man joined a monastery and took a vow of silence. Every day he worked hard in the fields and never said a word.

After ten years, the Abbot summoned him. "Brother, it is ten years since your vow of silence. On this special day, you may speak. Do you have anything to say?"

He said, "The food is terrible!"

Ten years later, he was again summoned to the Abbot's office. "Brother, it is now twenty years since you joined us. Again, on this special day you may speak."

The monk said, "The bed is too hard," and walked out.

Ten years later he was again called to see the Abbot. "It has been thirty years since you took your vow of silence, brother. Is there anything you would like to say?"

Said the monk, "I'm resigning."

The Abbot replied, "I'm not surprised. You haven't done anything but complain since you got here!"

12/6/08

Q. What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?

A. A hot dog and a six pack

12/5/08

In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in the country, the president narrowed the field to three finalist, the CIA, the FBI, and the Chicago Police.

The three remaining contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.

The CIA went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it.

The CPD went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear was yelling, "Okay. Okay. I'm a rabbit. I'm a rabbit."

12/4/08

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

12/3/08

There was this artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now. As usual, his model reported and, after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.

He told her not to bother as he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He told her that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then off to bed.

The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do."

He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.

"Oh my God!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife, Quick! Take all your clothes off."

12/2/08

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful. Why did you stop?”

He said, “I found the remote.”

Thanks to Bev Sims

12/1/08

Clerk: I’m reading the police report. Is it true that you lost 2,025 pigs?

Mr. Smith: Yeth.

Clerk: I see. That’s 25 pigs and 2 sows?

Mr. Smith: Yeth.

11/30/08

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by something poking his chest. It was Eve.

"What are you doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

11/29/08

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.

11/28/08

Interviewer: Can you type?

Blonde: No, but my sister can.

11/27/08

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.

He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"

The boy replied, "What turkey?"

The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."

The boy looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"

The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?"

The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!"

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off of your thighs!

11/26/08

A very wealthy lawyer vacationed for several weeks each year at his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Each summer, he would invite friends to come to visit him.

One summer he invited a lawyer from the Czech Republic to visit. The friend, eager to see how a wealthy American vacationed, gratefully agreed. They had a wonderful vacation, and spent a great deal of time exploring the woods and enjoying the natural setting.

One morning, as the lawyer and his Czech friend were walking through the woods, they were approached by two huge bears -- a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

Seeing this, the lawyer ran to his Mercedes and sped for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed a high-powered rifle and they raced back to the berry patch. Luckily, the bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing at the bear that had consumed his friend. "Quick -- shoot it. Maybe we can still save my friend!"

The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. His aim was true, and the female bear collapsed to the ground. The startled male fled into the woods.

"Why did you do that?" demanded the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"

11/25/08

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Johnny, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"

"That it is," Johnny replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."

"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.

"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Johnny.

"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."

"That there is," replied Johnny. "'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."

11/24/08

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.

A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"

"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "You seem to be doing much better. How?"

"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"

"One?" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.

"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."

"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"

"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."

11/23/08

Paddy Fitzgerald had worked in a timber yard for five years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

He told the priest. "Father, it's five years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the timber yard all that time."

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

Fitzgerald said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the timber!"

11/22/08

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

11/21/08

Air traffic control: Pilot, for noise reduction, please turn 30 degrees north.

Pilot: But I’m cruising at 20,000 feet. How much noise can I be making?

Air traffic control: Have you ever heard the noise when a 747 hits a fighter jet?

11/20/08

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!”

The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!”

The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.” The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

11/19/08

A man was driving down a country road when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and lifted the bonnet to see if he could find out what had happened.

A brown and white cow slowly lumbered over to the car and stuck her head under the bonnet beside the man. After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, "Looks like the cylinder head gasket to me!" Then she just turned and walked away.

Amazed, the man walked over to the farmhouse where he met a farmer. "I say, is that your cow in the field?" he asked.

The farmer replied, "If you're talking about the brown and white one, that's old Mary."

The man said, "Well my car's broken down, and she just said, 'Looks like the cylinder head gasket to me!'"

The farmer just shook his head and said, "Pay no attention to old Mary. She doesn't know anything about cars!"

11/18/08

Frankenstein was sitting in his cell when suddenly through the wall came the ghost of his monster, with a rope round his neck.

Frankenstein said, "Monster, monster, what are you doing here?"

The monster said, "Well, boss, they hanged me this morning so now I've come to meet my maker."

11/17/08

The president and his veep were talking when he said, "I hate all the dumb president jokes people tell about me."

The veep, feeling sorry for his boss, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."

To patronize the president, he took him outside and hailed a taxi driver. "Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said the veep.

The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, the veep looked at the president and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."

"No kidding," replied the president. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."

11/16/08

A minister was delivering a sermon on sin. "Is there anyone here who is without SIN?" he shouted, glowering at the congregation.

Embarrassed parishioners stirred nervously in their seats, but no one stood.

Feeling he really had them this time, the preacher said, "Is there anyone here who thinks he or she is PERFECT?"

One small man, seated next to a rather imposing woman, rose nervously to his feet.

"So, Mr. Jones, you think YOU are PERFECT?"

"No, sir," the man replied, "I'm just standing for my wife's first husband!"

11/15/08

A woman walks into a butcher's shop just before closing time and asks, "Do you have any turkey?"

The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only turkey and puts it on the scales. It weighs six pounds.

The woman looks at the turkey and at the scales and asks, "Do you have one that's a bit bigger than this one, please?"

The butcher puts the turkey back into the fridge and then takes it out again, but this time when he puts it on the scales he keeps his thumb on the turkey. The scales now show eight pounds.

"That's wonderful," says the woman. "I'll take both of them, please!"

11/14/08

A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."

11/13/08

A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, "I've got just the thing for you madam. I'll just get him."

With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. "This dog is a special dog," he tells her. "It is able to fly," he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.

"There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my,' he'll eat whatever you've mentioned. Watch. My apple!" The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours the apple he was about to eat.

"He's cute, and so unusual. I'll take him," she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.

"Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!" she exclaims when she gets back home. "He can fly!"

The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, "Fly eh? Ha! My ass!"

11/12/08

"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"

"Well," she replied, "It was a no-win situation."

"How's that?"

"If I was late to work, he said I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was a compulsive neurotic!"

11/11/08

A student was flying home to London from Edinburgh.

At the check-in, he said to the operator, "Now I want you to send my black case to London and my blue case to Amsterdam."

The check-in operator replied, "I'm sorry, sir, we can't do that!"

"Oh, really," said the student, "that's what you did the last time I flew with you!"

11/10/08

While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.

“As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.”

The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”

“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.”

11/9/08

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, “Say, father, what causes arthritis?”

“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.”

“Well I’ll be.” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”

“I don’t have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

11/8/08

Joe: Why don't you play golf with Bob any more?

Mike: Would you play with someone who curses after each shot, cheats in the bunkers and enters false scores on his card?

Joe: No!

Mike: Neither will Bob.

11/7/08

A man is speeding down the motorway when he's stopped by a police car and has to pull over. "Do you realize you were doing 90 mph in a 70 limit, sir?" asks the policeman.

"That's impossible, sir, I never break the speed limit," replies the driver.

The driver's wife butts in and says, "Yes, you do, I'm always telling you to keep your speed down."

The policeman says, "I also noticed, sir, that you didn't have your seat belt on. You put it on as I was walking over to your car."

"That is not true, sir; I always wear my seat belt," replies the driver.

Says the wife, "No, you don't, I'm always telling you to put your seat belt on."

At that, the driver goes mad. "Shut up woman, can't you, just for once, keep your big, fat trap shut?"

The policeman is a bit taken aback by how the driver is speaking to his wife, so he moves around to her side of the car. "Does he often speak to you like this, madam?"

"Oh, no, constable," she says, "only when he's drunk."

11/6/08

A man walked into a health center and the receptionist asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles." So she told him to have a seat.

An hour later he got in to see the doctor who asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

The doctor said, "Where?"

He said, "Outside in the lorry. Where do you want them?"

11/5/08

During a skydiving class of first-timers, one guy asked, "If my chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do I have until I hit the ground?"

The jumpmaster replied in perfect deadpan, "The rest of your life."

11/4/08

Two shepherds were leaning on their crooks at the end of a long hard day of shepherding. The first shepherd asked the second, "So, how's it going?"

The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good. I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me."

The first one replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."

11/3/08

Two cowboys, John and Wayne, came upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. John stops and says to Wayne, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says Wayne.

"Look," says John, "He's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "About two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, furniture in wagon ..."

"Incredible!" says John to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color, what's in the wagon -- just amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ugh ... not amazing ... wagon ran ... over me ... 30 minutes ago!"

11/2/08

Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They ignored her too.

So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

11/1/08

The motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until Joe finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," she reassured Joe. "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

10/31/08

A bald man with a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his bald head and his leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head to again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.

Thanks to Mike Stamm

10/30/08

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?

Nurse: No change yet.

10/29/08

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, “Dang, why are you drinking so fast?”

The guy says, “You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.”

The bartender says, “What do you have?”

The guy says, “Seventy-five cents.”

10/28/08

The oldest presidential candidate was visiting an elementary school. In the 4th grade class they began a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the candidate if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word "tragedy." So, the candidate asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

One boy stood up and said, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said the candidate, "that would be an accident."

A girl raised her hand and said, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," the candidate said. "That's what we would call a Great Loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. The candidate searched the room and asked, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, "If your campaign plane, carrying yourself and your running mate, was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy."

"That's right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" asked the candidate.

"Well," Johnny said, "because it wouldn't be an accident and it sure as heck wouldn’t be a Great Loss..."

10/27/08

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky, you cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. The man pointed out this omission. As she turns to leave, the parrot drains his glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky, you idiot."

Quite upset now, the girl comes back with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now, you idiot cow."

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure complain a lot!"

10/26/08

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Armageddon.

Armageddon who?

Armageddon tired of waitin' for this damn election!

Thanks to Melodie Silverwolf

10/25/08

Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, "What's the matter now?"

"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears.

"So, why are you crying? You're didn't hit your thumb," soothed his mother. "A big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?"

"I did!" sobbed Johnny.

10/24/08

A guy goes into a clothing store to buy a new suit, but he doesn't want to spend too much money. The tailor shows him a really nice suit for $400, but the guy says it's too much. He shows him another suit for $200, and the guy says it's still too much. After showing him several others, he finally shows him one for $10.

"That's more like it!" the guy says, and he goes to try it on. He comes back and looks in the mirror and one sleeve is about two inches shorter than the other.

"No problem," says the tailor, "just hunch up your right shoulder."

So the guy hunches his right shoulder way up, and the sleeves look OK, but the lapels are crooked.

"No problem," says the tailor, "just stick out your left arm and cock it like a bird's wing."

So the guy sticks out his left arm and the lapels look OK. But then he notices that one pant leg is shorter than the other.

"Well, just keep that leg stiff," says the tailor, "and no one will notice."

"I'll take it!" the guy says. So he leaves the tailor shop wearing the suit, walking with his left leg stiffened, one arm stuck out like a bird's wing, and one shoulder hunched way up.

As he's walking down the street he passes two orthopedic surgeons. One of the doctors says to the other, "I have never seen anyone in such bad shape in my twenty-five years of practice!"

"Me neither," the other doctor says. "But he sure has a nice suit!"

10/23/08

Two baseball players are seriously worried about whether there’s baseball after death. They make a pact that the first one to die has to come back and tell the other one if they play baseball in heaven.

Two months later one player dies in a car accident. After the funeral the surviving player goes to the baseball field thinking that his friend’s spirit might be there with the answer. He sits in the dugout on the bench where they used to sit and talk. Within a few minutes he feels a strange presence. “Joe, is that you?” he asks.

“Yes.”

“Tell me, Joe, do they play baseball up there.”

“They do, and you're pitching on Wednesday!"

10/22/08

With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in later this year:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace

Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker

3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa

FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild

Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants

Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

Thanks to Anne Church

10/21/08

A man with six kids is very proud of himself. He calls his wife, "Mother of Six," even though he knows she hates it. One night, when leaving a party at a friend's house, he calls to her. "Time to go home, Mother of Six!"

Fed up, she replies, "I'm coming, Father of Four!"

10/20/08

Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?

Doctor: A shoebox

10/19/08

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his church members. He knew she was a bad housekeeper but agreed. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them". He felt a bit uncomfortable, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"

10/18/08

During break time at obedience school, two dogs were talking.

One said to the other, "The thing I hate about obedience school is you learn ALL this stuff you will never use in the real world."

10/17/08

Pete: "Hello"

Larry: "Hello"

Pete: "Is that you, Larry?"

Larry: "Yes, this is Larry."

Pete: "Are you sure this is Larry."

Larry: "Yes I'm sure, this is Larry!"

Pete: "This is Pete... can you lend me twenty dollars?"

Larry: "I'll tell Larry when he comes in."

10/16/08

A french fry walks into the bar and says to the bartender, “Hey, could I get a beer please?”

The bartender looks at him, shakes his head and says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

10/15/08

Q: What do you call two guys who steal everything out of a house except the soap and towels?

A: Dirty crooks!

10/14/08

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?”

The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.”

The lawyer looked puzzled. “Gee,” he asked, “how did you start the flood?”

10/13/08

A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender looks at him, and says, "For you, no charge."

10/12/08

The Pope dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his new quarters which turn out to be a tiny one bedroom apartment.

The Pope is horrified and wants to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge.

Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a lawyer.

"A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important."

"With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here, but we only have ONE lawyer!"

10/11/08

Q: What is the difference between a pigeon and a stockbroker?

10/10/08

The matchmaker said, "What exactly are you looking for?"

"Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don't go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."

The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman.

The results read, "Buy a television."

10/9/08

The 16th tee featured a fairway that ran along a road. The first golfer in a foursome teed off and hooked the ball. It soared over the fence and bounced onto the street, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and ricocheted back onto the fairway.

As they all stood in amazement, one of the golfer's friends asked, "How did you do that?"

The golfer shrugged, "You have to know the bus schedule."

10/8/08

There were these two blondes standing outside in a parking lot next to there Mercedes vehicle. They were locked out so they were trying to get the door open with a close hanger.

The first blonde said, “You need to try harder. It’s starting to rain and the top is down!”

10/7/08

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots’ uniforms–both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin–but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, “You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all gonna die. . .”

10/6/08

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

"This is the Klotschtein diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klotschtein."

10/5/08

After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he decided to call it a day. Just then a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job.

The bishop was incredulous. “You have no arms!”

“No matter,” said the man. “Observe!” He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”

“I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face sure rings a bell.”

10/4/08

Tim, Larry and Reid are golfing with the club pro. Tim tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

Larry tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says "Loft."

Reid tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says "Loft."

As they're walking to their balls, Tim finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same exact answer each time. What is loft?"

The pro says, "Lack of flippin' talent."

10/3/08

After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire.

"But you can't!" protested the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?"

10/2/08

Q: How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 12,001. That's one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

10/1/08

On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken."

A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building.

"What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter. "There's plenty of time left!"

9/30/08

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.

One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

9/29/08

A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night, I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night, I dreamed I was an Alpha Romeo. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?"

"Relax," says the shrink, "you're just having an auto-body experience."

9/28/08

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing so the priest repeated his order.

Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

9/28/08

A man went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury.

"Why is the injury not covered?" he asked.

"You got hit in the head by a chair lift, right?" the insurance rep asked.

"Yes," he replied.

"That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre-existing condition."

9/26/08

As a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning, "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

"Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner.

"Yep, that's him," came the reply.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner explained, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!"

9/25/08

There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons.

Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest."

After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him.

So they were driving down the road and they came around this curb and wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police and told them what happened.

The police asked him, "Are either of them showing any life signs?"

The farmer then said, "Well, that first one was 'til I turned his head around the right way."

9/24/08

Teenager Charlie lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" Charlie asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $250."

9/23/08

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read: "BEST DEALS."

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading: "LOWEST PRICES."

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop - it read: "MAIN ENTRANCE."

9/22/08

The husband was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery; the wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.

The wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"

Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute." She said, "What happened to beautiful?"

The husband said, "The drugs are wearing off!"

9/21/08

Three Catholic girls were graduating from a Catholic high school. Sister Marie asked each girl what career they wanted to pursue.

Mary said, "I want to help needy children in Africa."

Sister Marie said, "Very good choice."

Anne said, "I want to help the elderly."

Sister Marie replied, "Good job for you."

Sarah said, "I don't have much money, so I have no choice but to become a prostitute."

Sister Marie fainted on the floor.

When she came to, Sarah said, "I am sorry that I must be a prostitute, but I really need the money."

Sister Marie said, "A prostitute! Oh, thank God. I thought you said Protestant!"

9/20/08

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"

At this moment, The Wolf Man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

9/19/08

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store.

"Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip.

The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"

9/18/08

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has been arrested, we call him a defense attorney.

9/17/08

Customer: Do you have any cockroaches?

Clerk: Yes, we do. We sell them to the fisherman.

Customer: I would like 20,000 of them.

Clerk: What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?

Customer: I’m moving tomorrow and my lease says I have to leave my apartment in the same condition in which I found it.

9/11/08

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer’s office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?"

The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.

Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $50 due for a consultation.

9/10/08

Words of Wisdom

• Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

• Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

• No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

• A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

• Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

• Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

• Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

• There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

• Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

• By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

• Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

• Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

• Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

9/9/08

An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.

"Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them."

"Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.

When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?"

"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"

9/8/08

Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

Bubba said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl.

They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir," said Earl. "We're on the patch!"

9/7/08

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:

"I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note.

"I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."