12/31/09

Every day at lunch time, Mike, the Irish gent, would go out the back of his shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a kipper or piece of Irish blue cheese while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.

One morning, the Irishman was surprised to receive an invoice in the mail from the adjoining restaurant for "enjoyment of food." Mystified, he marched right over to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought a thing from them.

The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it."

The Irishman refused to pay and the restaurant took him to court.

At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case.

The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."

The judge turned to Mike and said, "What do you have to say to that?"

The old Irishman didn't say a thing but smiled and stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?"

The Irishman replied with a mile wide grin, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."

12/30/09

In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

12/29/09

A man left work Friday afternoon, but, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend, hunting with the boys and spending his paycheck without telling his wife.

When he appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry spouse, who barraged him for two hours with a tirade of yelling.

Finally, she stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

So, Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

12/28/09

Two mice live in a movie studio warehouse and are looking for food. Suddenly one hears the other chewing.

"What did you find?" he asks.

"I am not sure," comes the answer. "It looks like a piece of film celluloid from an old movie. Let me see... Ah, yes. It is from 'Gone with the Wind.'"

"And how is it?"

"The book was better."

12/27/09

A religious cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."

12/26/09

New Definition

SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.

12/25/09

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Thanks to Nancy Farry

12/24/09

Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?

A: He had low elf esteem.

12/23/09

Christmas Downsizing

Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

12/22/09

In an upscale pet-supply store, a woman wanted to buy a red sweater for her dog but was unsure of the size. The clerk suggested that she bring her dog in for a proper fit.

"Oh, no, I can't do that!" the woman said. "See, the sweater is going to be a surprise!"

12/21/09

WTF sign: Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

12/20/09

WTF sign: Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

12/19/09

New Definition

PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.

12/18/09

One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.

As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."

The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."

12/17/09

The Four Stages of Life

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

12/16/09

New Definition

SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official.

12/15/09

New Definition

EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

12/14/09

Bubba is driving down a back road in West Virginia 

A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

HAPPY HOUR  SPECIAL

Lobster Tail and Beer

"Lord a'mighty," he says to himself, "my three favorite things!"

Thanks to Bev Sims

12/13/09

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

12/12/09

There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.

One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.

A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.

Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what is INSIDE the drum?"

No more problem.

12/11/09

American Slang - Guts or Balls?

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: “You're next, Chubby.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

Thanks to Bev Sims

12/10/09

A couple college kids, Stan and Oliver, are riding to school on a Chicago subway train when a homeless man approaches and begs for spare change. Oliver adamantly rejects the man in disgust while Stan, on the other hand, pulls out his wallet and gives the man two dollars and wishes him the best.

The homeless man thanks Stan kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.

Oliver is outraged by his friend's act of generosity. "What the heck did you do that?" shouts Oliver. "You know he's probably only gonna use it for drugs or booze!"

Stan replies, "And we weren't?"

12/9/09

New Book Title: Mountain Climbing by Hugo First

12/8/09

New Book Title: Stop Arguing by Xavier Breath

12/7/09

A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.

"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?"

"Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor, "that would be defeeting the porpoise."

12/6/09

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he talked with the organist to see what kind of inspirational music she could play after the announcement about the finances to get the congregation in a giving mood.

"Don't worry," she said. "I'll think of something."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

Just at that moment, the organist started playing, "The Star Spangled Banner."

12/5/09

New Book Title: I Lost My Balance by Eileen Dover and Phil Down

12/4/09

WTF Headline: Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

12/3/09

WTF Headline: Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

12/2/09

WTF Headline: Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni

12/1/09

WTF Headline: Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction

11/30/09

WTF Headline: Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

11/29/09

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

11/28/09

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt, scraping along the mountainside.

The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know," said the Departmental Manager, "let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "that will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well," said the Software Engineer, "before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

11/27/09

Politically Correct

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

11/26/09

A turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone.

After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

"I don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"

11/25/09

Politically Correct

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

He is not OBSESSED WITH TELEVISED SPORTS - He has AN ATHLETIC TELEVISUAL ADDICTION.

11/24/09

Politically Correct

He does not IGNORE YOU - He has ATTENTION SPAN DEFICIT DISORDER.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

11/23/09

Politically Correct

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

11/22/09

An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much trouble. The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion.

The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays. The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there. She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him.

Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church. Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's goddam cold in here!"

Everyone turned to look at her and she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! All the next week, she talked to the parrot explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church. The parrot understood so she put him on her shoulder and went to church the following Sunday.

Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began, the parrot squawked, looked around and loudly proclaimed, "It's goddam cold in here!!"

And again the woman ran from the church. The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner. Since she didn't want to get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution:

“If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times and return him to your shoulder."

"That'll work?" asked the woman.

"Guaranteed!" exclaimed the owner.

So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, "It's goddam cold in here!!" Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6 times and placed him back on her shoulder.

The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, "Pretty fucking windy, too!"

11/21/09

Politically Correct

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

He does not STINK - He has HYGIENE AVERSION SYNDROME.

11/20/09

Politically Correct

He does not SLEEP AROUND - He is HORIZONTALLY OVER-GENEROUS.  

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

11/19/09

Politically Correct

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

He does not have a FAT BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

Two mothers met for coffee. “Well, Gracie, how are the kids?”

“To tell you the truth, my son has married a real tramp!” says Gracie. “She doesn’t get out of bed until 11. She’s out all day spending his money on who knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? Ha! She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant.”

“Oh! What a shame. And how about your daughter?”

“Ah! Now, there’s a lucky girl. She married a saint. He brings her breakfast in bed, he gives her enough money to buy whatever she needs, and in the evening he always takes her out to dinner at a nice restaurant.”

11/17/09

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."

"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."

11/16/09

Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me."

The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a 4-iron then a wedge.

The golfer was insulted and proceeded to berate the caddy on the tee telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how dare he under estimate his game.

So, giving in the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for.

He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it rolled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.
Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for one hell of a putt..."

11/15/09

Little Johnny was going to a public school and he was doing very badly in math. So his mother decided to put him into a Catholic school. When she got his report card at the end of the term, his marks in math had improved tremendously.

So she asked him why. He replied "When I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!"

11/14/09

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.

The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'll die for you!"

The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?"

11/13/09

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

11/12/09

Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, and an honest politician are locked in an office with a bag full of cash: $1,000,000 in small bills.

Q. What happens?

A. Nothing, they are all fictional characters.

11/11/09

The gigantic computer took up a whole wall, dwarfing the two mathematicians standing before it.

After much flashing and humming a sliver of paper emerged from the vitals of the machine.

One mathematician, after studying it gravely, turned to the other and said with awe, "Do you realise that it would take four hundred ordinary mathematicians a hundred years of calculations to make a mistake this big?"

11/10/09

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were talking about space travel. They started talking about which planet they'd go to if they could travel in space.

The redhead said, "I'd go to Mars, because it is red, like my hair."

Then the brunette, not to be outdone, said, "Well, I'd go to Saturn, because it's got all those groovy rings."

Finally, the blonde spoke up. She said, "I'd go to the Sun."

The redhead and the brunette laughed. The redhead said, "Number one, the sun is not a planet."

"And number two," the brunette finished, "you'd burn up."

The blonde said, "Well, duh! I'd go at night!!!"

11/9/09

A vacationer emailed a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only a stone's throw away from the beach," he was told.

"But how will I recognize it?" asked the man.

The reply came back: "It's the one with all the broken windows."

11/8/09

A lawyer awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him.

"Why are the curtains closed?" he asked. "Is it night?"

A nurse replied, "No, it is just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful."

11/7/09

A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."

The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then you'll see that I was right."

11/6/09

A woman from the most southern part of South Carolina goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is a dollar per word.

She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, just let it read, 'Billy Bob died.'"

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there is a seven word minimum on all obituaries."

A little flustered, she thinks things over and replies, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - Red truck for sale.'"

11/5/09

A boy from Duluth, Minnesota named Lars had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seem that his father, grandfather and great grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthdays, to the boat club across the lake for their first legal drink.

So when Lars' 21st came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Lars stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned. Sven managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Lars went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into Lars' eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January. You were born in July.”

11/4/09

Little Johnny was practicing the violin in the living room while his Uncle was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Johnny's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

Uncle listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know!"

11/3/09

Two blonde men were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.

The other blonde guy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"

The second blonde guy got completely upset and yelled, "You MORON! The nails that are pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!"

11/2/09

The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.

"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."

"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported."

11/1/09

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above: "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

10/31/09

Q: What do you call a dog owned by Count Dracula?

A: A bloodhound.

10/30/09

It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and walked up to the bar. "What will you have?" the bartender asked.

"I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied.

"I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second.

"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.

"Okay, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"

10/29/09

Two old women meet for the first time since graduating from high school.

One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well planned life?"

"Yes," said her friend, "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!"

10/28/09

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

10/27/09

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. “You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says “So, what's your story?”

The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

“I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars,” the guy says.

“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.”

Thanks to Bev Sims

10/26/09

The madam opened the brothel door in  Winnipeg  and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still $5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, "New Brunswick."

"Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

Thanks to Joan Litel

10/25/09

There was an old country preacher who had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession. Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do- and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey...

"Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up. If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be o.k. too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard - a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room. He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink...

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"

10/24/09

“Hello, is this the Police Office?”

“Yes. What can I do for you?”

“I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Jack Murphy...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, twelve RCMP Officers descend on Jack's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They sneer at Jack and leave.

Shortly after, the phone rings at Jack's house.

“Hey, Jack! This here's Floyd.... Did the Police come?”

“Yeah!”

“Did they chop your firewood?”

“Yep!”

“Happy Birthday, buddy!”

Thanks to Dennis Hillberg

10/23/09

You know you need a new lawyer when:

During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

10/22/09

You know you need a new lawyer when:

During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

10/21/09

You know you need a new lawyer when:

Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

10/20/09

You know you need a new lawyer when:

The prosecutor sees your lawyer in the hall, and they high-five each other.

10/19/09

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!"

The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

After a long pause, the "pilot" replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?"

10/18/09

At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from all the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every movement caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a very delicate operation, which lasted for over five hours, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery that was performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, after six weeks, Tom is now out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

Thanks to Bev Sims

10/17/09

A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order, he says "I want three flat tires and a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and asks the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires and a pair of headlights and pair of running boards. What does he think, this is an auto parts store?"

"No" the cook says, "three flat tires means three pancakes and a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up and running boards is 2 slices crisp bacon."

"Oh," says the waitress. She thinks about this for a while, and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.

The guy says, "What are the beans for?"

The waitress replies, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might want to gas up."

10/16/09

The Wisdom of Pilots

The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.

10/15/09

The Wisdom of Pilots

Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

10/14/09

The Wisdom of Pilots

I had booked an airplane for an afternoon of flying, but the weather was really nasty that day.  I decided to hang around the pilot's flight room and chat with friends for a few minutes.  We were commiserating about having our wings clipped by the weather until my old flight instructor, with over 30 years of experience, chimed in with: "Well, guys, it's much better to be down here wishing you were up there than vice versa."

Thanks to Paul Sanchez

10/13/09

The Wisdom of Pilots

When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

10/12/09

A guy gets home from work one night and hears a little voice. The little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the little voice.

The next day, when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again, the man ignores the little voice, though he is very troubled by the event.

Every day, day after day, the man hears the same little voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man hears the little voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas.

The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the little voice tells him, "Go to Harrah's." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrah's.

As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the little voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the little voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."

Nervously, the man exchanges all his money for chips and then puts them all on 17.
The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number ... 21.

The little voice says, "Oops..."

10/11/09

A parish priest, Father O'Brien, was being honored at a dinner on the 25th anniversary of his arrival in that parish.

A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic.

So, Father O'Brien decides to say his own few words while they await the politician's arrival.

"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. What is confessed in there to me, is never repeated on the outside. However, I got my first impressions of this parish from the first confession I ever heard here.

"Realize, please, that I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25 years ago, I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.

"The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people at this congregation were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived, apologized for his tardiness and then started in on his speech.

"I want to thank you all for letting me say a few words this evening in honor of Father O'Brien. 25 Years is a long time. In fact, when he arrived here, I had the honor of being the first confession he heard at this congregation."

Now that is bad timing.

10/10/09

The Wisdom of Pilots

Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

10/9/09

The Wisdom of Pilots

It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

10/8/09

The Wisdom of Pilots

The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice-versa.

10/7/09

The Wisdom of Pilots

The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

10/6/09

The Wisdom of Pilots

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

10/5/09

I had a flat tire on the interstate, so I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.

They look so life like you wouldn't believe it!

They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road.

And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me.

He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me.

I could tell he was not a happy camper!

“What's going on here?”

“My car has a flat tire,” I said calmly.

“Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?”

I couldn't believe that he didn't know...... So I told him,

“Helloooooo .......... those are my Emergency Flashers.”

Thanks to Jon Mersel

10/4/09

Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest.

At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsmanlike manner at a recent football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents." "Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.

"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents."

"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark.

"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the . . . in a sensitive area."

"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?"

"Southern Methodist."

"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys."

10/3/09

A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. “Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. 

When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow. 

When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

“How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

”Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any pork or bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk?”

Just then, his father comes in for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “You gonna tell him or should I?”

Thanks to Francine Glenn

10/2/09

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."

"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"

They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

10/1/09

A commercial airplane is in flight to Chicago, when a blonde woman sitting in economy gets up and moves to an open seat in the first class section. A flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must return to her seat in the economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde woman replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success convincing the woman to return to economy, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He kneels down next to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Chicago."

9/30/09

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! -- there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, “For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?”

Bill replied, “I have been in jail.”

“Jail?” cried Sam. “What in the world for?”

“Well,” Bill said, “you know Mary, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?”

“Yeah,” said Sam, “I remember her. What about her?”

“Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled guilty.”

“The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.”

Thanks to Francine Glenn

9/29/09

There's this guy walking along a road to town with his camel. Along the way, a guy stops and asks if he needs a ride to town. The guy sez, "Yeah," and hops in.

The driver asks "What about your camel?"

The guy replies, "Oh, he's okay... he knows his way to town."

So the driver start's driving, gets up to about 45 MPH, looks in his rearview mirror and sees the camel right behind him. He sez to the guy, "Hey buddy ya know your camel is behind us?”

The guy replies, "Yeah it's okay, he knows his way to town. Speed up a little."

The driver speeds up to about 55 MPH, he's driving along, and look's behind him and again see's the camel. He sez to the guy, "Your camel is still there."

The guy replies, "Really it's okay, he knows his way to town. Speed up a little."

So the driver speeds up to 65 MPH. He drives for a bit, looks behind him, then looks at the guy and says, "Hey buddy, your camel, he's looking pretty rough."

The guy replies, "Oh yeah? What's he doing?"

The driver sez, "Well, his ear's are folded back and his tongue is hanging out."

The guy replies, "His tongue is hanging out? Which side?"

The driver sez, "The left side."

The guy replies, "You'd better hold your course... he's fixin’ to pass ya!"

9/28/09

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy."

9/27/09

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, God appeared and asked, “My dear child, why are you crying?”

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

God dipped Her hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires. “Is this your thimble?” God asked.

The seamstress replied, “No.”

God again dipped into the river. She held out a golden thimble studded with rubies. “Is this your thimble?” God asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, “No.”

God reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. “Is this your thimble ?” She asked.

The seamstress replied, “Yes.”

God was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, God again appeared and asked her, “Why are you crying?”

“Oh, God, my husband has fallen into the river!”

God went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. “Is this your husband?” She asked.

“Yes,” cried the seamstress.

God was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”

The seamstress replied, “Oh, forgive me, God. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. God, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.”

And so God let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Thanks to Francine Glenn

9/26/09

You know you're addicted to coffee when ... instant coffee takes too long.

9/25/09

You know you're addicted to coffee when ... your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

9/24/09

You know you're addicted to coffee when ... you short out motion detectors.

9/23/09

You know you're addicted to coffee when ... your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

9/22/09

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought ... But you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought ... But you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS ... But I was wrong!"

Thanks to Francine Glenn

9/21/09

A US Navy captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A commander chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A lieutenant said it was 50-50%.

An ensign responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the captain turned to the seaman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked, “Why?”

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

Thanks to Francine Glenn

9/20/09

A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning that was about half the usual length of his sermons.

He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning."

After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher as he was leaving, and said, "Sir, if that dog of yours has any pups, I sure would like to get one to give to my minister!"

9/19/09

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of its most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.

This year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files.

The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for his questioning. When Patty came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.

"Patty you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin.

Patty nodded and the doctor began to question him.

The first question was this. "Patty, if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"

"I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought.

"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"

"I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that he had just gotten his freedom.

The doctor then sent him outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.

When Patty got into the waiting room however, he told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were.

The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?"

"I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.

This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking.

"Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"

"I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."

9/18/09

Two Alabama State Trooper Patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Camaro heading east towards Georgia on I-90.

When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over immediately. The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, "Sarge, why'd you stop?"

"You dumb rookie," replied the Sarge. "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

9/17/09

New Viruses on the loose!

Airline virus: You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.

9/16/09

New Viruses on the loose!

Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

9/15/09

New Viruses on the loose!

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

9/14/09

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two 
drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.”

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would 
like to buy you a drink, too.”

9/13/09

A devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."

9/12/09

New Viruses on the loose!

Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

9/11/09

New Viruses on the loose!

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

9/10/09

New Viruses on the loose!

Congressional virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

9/9/09

New Viruses on the loose!

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

9/8/09

New Viruses on the loose!

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

9/7/09

New Viruses on the loose!

Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

9/6/09

An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in her office late one night, when Satan appeared before her. The Devil told the lawyer "I have a proposition for you."

"You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your husband's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."

The lawyer ponders this for a moment, then finally asks: "So, what's the catch?"

9/5/09

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.

The old man says, "I'm a multimillionaire. I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night whether I like it or not."

The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"

The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."

9/4/09

In the aftermath of all of the recent mergers, it has been leaked that Yahoo! is taking over the following companies: Disney, Data General, and United Health Care.

The names of the new mega company will be: Hoo-Dis, Hoo-Dat, and Hoo-Cares.

9/3/09

A classroom full of first year veterinary students were participating in their first day of anatomy class. For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating table.

The professor tells the class, "In Veterinary Medicine, there are two qualities you must possess as a doctor - the first of which is a strong stomach. You cannot, under any circumstance, be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body.”

For example, the Professor pulls back the sheet and sticks his finger right up the dead cow's hindquarters, pulls out his finger and sticks it in his mouth. The students just stand there, paralyzed at what they see. "Now, go ahead and do the same thing, each of you," the professor says.

Freaked out, the students take several minutes but eventually take turns sticking their fingers up into the anal cavity of the dead cow, and then sucking on them. Once everyone is finished, the professor continues on with his lesson. "Now, the second important quality you must possess is a keen observation. You see, I stuck in my middle finger up the cow's butt, and I sucked on my index finger."

9/2/09

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year-old woman has a baby.

All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65-year-old mother says, "Not yet."

A little later they ask to see the baby again.

Again the mother says, "Not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"

And the mother says, "When the baby cries."

And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."

9/1/09

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says "So, where are you from, then?"

"I'm from Ireland."

"Me, too! I'll drink to that."

They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin."

"Me, too! I'll drink to that."

They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where in Dublin are you from?"

"The East Side."

"The East Side? Me, too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!"

They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where on the East Side are you from?"

"McDonagh Street."

"Me, too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."

As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"

"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender, "it's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."

8/31/09

Q: What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?

A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!

8/30/09

The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. “How could you do this!” he exclaimed.

“I don't know,” she wailed, “I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"

“Well,” the pastor persisted, “You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, ‘Get behind me, Satan!’”

“I did,” replied his wife, “but then he said ‘It looks great from back here, too!’”

8/29/09

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

Teach him to use the Internet, and he won't bother you for weeks!

8/28/09

OLD IS WHEN ...

An “all nighter” means not getting up to use the bathroom.

Thanks to Francine Glenn and Nancy Farry

8/27/09

OLD IS WHEN ...

“Getting a little action” means you don't need to take any fiber today.

Thanks to Francine Glenn and Nancy Farry

8/26/09

OLD IS WHEN ...

“Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.

Thanks to Francine Glenn and Nancy Farry

8/25/09

OLD IS WHEN ...

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

Thanks to Francine Glenn and Nancy Farry

8/24/09

OLD IS WHEN ...

Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

Thanks to Francine Glenn and Nancy Farry

8/23/09

A drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"Nooo, I haven't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

8/22/09

OLD IS WHEN …

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

Thanks to Francine Glenn and Nancy Farry

8/21/09

OLD IS WHEN …

Your sweetie says, “Let's go upstairs and make love.”

And you say, “Pick one; I can't do both.”

Thanks to Francine Glenn

8/20/09

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.

Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him.

When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right, honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

8/19/09

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.

The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

8/18/09

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.”

The bartender says, “Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.”

The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.”

“Coming up,” says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.”

The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.”

“Coming right up,” the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, “Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”

The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.”

Thanks to Francine Glenn

8/17/09

A Brief History Of Medicine

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

8/16/09

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. 

She asked, “Do you have health insurance?”

He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?”

He replied, “No money in the bank.”

The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”

He said, “I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.”

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”

The patient replied, “Send the bill to my brother-in-law.” 

Thanks to Francine Glenn

8/15/09

WTF Headline: Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

8/14/09

WTF Headline: If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

8/13/09

WTF Headline: Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

8/12/09

WTF Headline: Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

8/11/09

WTF Headline: Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

8/10/09

WTF Headline: Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

8/9/09

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. A note posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies with another note: "Take all you want. God is watching the apples!"

8/8/09

WTF Headline: Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter

8/7/09

WTF Headline: Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

8/6/09

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Thanks to Francine Glenn

8/5/09

Computer Term Dictionary

System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

8/4/09

Computer Term Dictionary

Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

8/3/09

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Wyoming, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs. The old rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there." He points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life, chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get horned before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified!

The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs. "Your badge! Show him your badge!!"

Thanks to Francine Glenn

8/2/09

Computer Term Dictionary

Portable Computer: A device invented to force everyone to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

8/1/09

Computer Term Dictionary

Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

9/31/09

Computer Term Dictionary

Obsolete: Any computer you own.

7/30/09

Computer Term Dictionary

State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.

7/29/09

One day Mom was out and Dad was in charge of the little girl. She was maybe 2 1/2 to 3 years old. Someone had given her a little “tea set” as a gift and it was one of her favorite toys.

Dad was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of “tea,” which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, Mom came home.

Dad made her wait in the living room to watch the little girl bring him a cup of tea, because it was “just the cutest thing!”

Mom waited, and sure enough, here she comes down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up. Then she says (as only a mother would know...), “Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”

Thanks to Dean Bungart

7/28/09

A woman walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.

The druggist asks, "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

The woman replies, "I want to kill my husband."

"I can't sell you any for that reason," says the druggist.

The woman then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a women in a compromising position - the man is her husband and the woman is the druggist's wife - and shows it to the druggist.

He looks at the photo and says, "Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription!"

7/27/09

While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.

"As you can see," he says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched."

The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, "What would you do in a case like this?"

"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp, too."

7/26/09

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what the types were.

The saleslady replied, "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

7/25/09

A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a rather large building; they were amazed by everything they saw --especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.

The boy asked, "What's this, Pa?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Ma."

7/24/09

WTF Medical Chart: Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

7/23/09

WTF Medical Chart: She is numb from her toes down.

7/22/09

WTF Medical Chart: Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

7/21/09

WTF Medical Chart: The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

7/20/09

WTF Medical Chart: The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

7/19/09

WTF Medical Chart: The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

7/18/09

WTF Medical Chart: When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.