Sometimes ya gotta laugh

5/15/08

When is @#$% (the “F” word) acceptable?

There are only eleven times in history when the “F”word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:

11. “What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?” Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. “What the @#$% was that?” Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. “Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?” General Custer, 1877

8. “Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that.” Einstein, 1938

7. “It does so @#$%ing look like her!” Picasso, 1926

6. “How the @#$% did you work that out?” Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. “You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?” Michel Angelo, 1566

4. “Where the @#$% are we?” Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. “Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!” Noah, 4314 BC

2. “Aw c'mon, Who the @#$% is going to find out?” Bill Clinton 1998

1. “Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad!” Saddam Hussein, 2003

Thanks to Daphne Coates

5/14/08

A famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions.

Caller: Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?"

Famous Sex Therapist: "To avoid criticism."

5/13/08

Pops walks into a brothel and says to the madam, "I'd like a young woman for the night."

The madam looks at the ancient man and asks, "How old are you?"

Pops says, "I'm 90 years old."

"90! Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says Pops. "How much do I owe you?"

5/12/08

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives they find it overloaded and only the wife and nine children are able to fit in the bus, so the husband and the blind man have to walk.

After a while the husband gets irritated by the tap-tapping of the blind man's walking stick. He says, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That tap-tap-tapping is driving me crazy!"

The blind man replies, "If you would have put a rubber on the end of YOUR STICK, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!"

5/11/08

Q: How many Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Whether your light is bright or not, you are loved -- you can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. A church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday.

5/10/08

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

5/9/08

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

5/8/08

Q: What is the definition of waste?

A: A bus full of lawyers going off a cliff with an empty seat.

5/7/08

Wife: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?

Hubby: Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life.

5/6/08

Laws of Work

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

He who hesitates is probably right.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.

5/5/08

Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters?

5/4/08

Dick: Did you hear about the three skunks that went to church?

Jane: No.

Dick: The priest made them sit in their own pew.

5/3/08

Gracie: Did you hear they found a narcissistic male lion whose females had turned on him?

George: No, really?

Gracie: Yeah. Course it was his pride that did him in.

5/2/08

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

The elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving about 20 minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.

All the way back, the husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, the old geezer said. “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.”

Thanks to Bev Sims

5/1/08

Just before Valentine's Day last year a doctor, an attorney, and a biker were drinking in a bar. The doctor sipped white wine, the attorney drank a martini, and the biker knocked back straight shots.

The doctor said, "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. That way if she doesn't like the fur coat, she'll still love me because she got a diamond ring."

The attorney said, "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a designer dress and a gold bracelet. So if she doesn't like the dress, she'll still love me because she got a gold bracelet."

The biker said, "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a t-shirt and a vibrator. That way if she doesn't like the t-shirt, she can go fuck herself."

4/30/08

A woman gets into an elevator.

A man who is already inside greets her with, "T-G-I-F!"

"S-H-I-T," the woman replies.

The man looks confused and says, "Don't you get it? T-G-I-F means Thank God It's Friday."

The woman replies, "S-H-I-T means Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."  

4/29/08

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry, sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation.

They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

4/28/08

One day Superman was out flying around when he saw Wonder Woman laying on a blanket on a deserted beach totally naked.

“Whoa,” he thought, “I can swoop down there and nail her and be gone before she even knows what happened.”

And faster than a speeding bullet…

“What was that?” said Wonder Woman.

And the Invisible Man said, “I don’t know, but my butt sure hurts.”

Thanks to Annie Banks

4/27/08

Q: Why did the Unitarian cross the road?

A: To support the chicken in its search for its own path.

4/26/08

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?

A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

4/24/08

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A: A Rottweiler.

4/23/08

One afternoon Ralph and Alice are working in the garden together. As Alice bends over to pull weeds, Ralph says, "Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now!"

To prove his point Ralph gets a yard stick and measures the grill and then he measures Alice's butt. "Yep," he says, "just about the same size."

Alice is incensed and decides to let Ralph to the gardening alone. She didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.

That evening in bed, Ralph cuddles up to Alice and says, "How about it, Honey? How about a little lovemaking?"

Alice gives him the cold shoulder.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

To which Alice replies, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie, do you?"

4/22/08

A man goes to a psychologist and tells him that he can't stop thinking about sex. The doctor shows him a series of ink blots, and each time the patient says that it looks like a couple having sex.

"You're obsessed with sex," the doctor says.

"Me?" asks the patient. "You're the one with the dirty pictures!"

4/21/08

Once this woman placed an ad in the local newspaper looking for a suitable man. Then one day her door bell rang. She answered it and to her dismay, a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs was sitting there.

She says, "Can I help you?"

He says, "I'm here to answer your ad."

She says, "There must be a mistake."

He says, "No, correct me if I'm wrong, but this ad says you're looking for someone who won't beat you and as you see, I have no arms, right?"

She says, "Yeah, but..."

He says, "You also said you want someone who won't run around on you and as you can see, I don't have any legs, right?"

She says, "Yeah, but I also said I want someone who's great in bed."

He says, "Lady, think about it, I rang your doorbell, didn't I."

4/20/08

Q: Why did ancient Romans close down the Coliseum?

A: The lions were eating up the prophets.

4/19/08

A doctor puts a woman on a diet, telling her to eat normally for two days, then skip a day, and repeat for two weeks. When she next comes in, she's lost lots of weight.

"I thought I was going to die on the third day," she said.

"From hunger?" the doctor asked.

"No, from all the skipping."

4/18/08

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, “This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,” indicating the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: “For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants”

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read: “Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen & Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.”

Thanks to Francine Glenn

4/17/08

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WAL-MART!

Why WAL-MART??

HELLOOOOOOOOO!

WAL-MART is the largest retailer in the world!!!

Thanks to Joan Litel

4/16/08

There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question: “How much is 2+2?”

The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced, “It lies between 3.98 and 4/02.”

The mathematician said, “In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof.”

The physicist declared, It’s in the magnitude of 1x101.”

The logician paused for a long while and then said, “This problem is solvable.”

The social worker said, “I don’t know the answer, but I am glad that we discussed this important question.”

The attorney stated, “In the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4.”

The trader asked, “Are you buying or selling?”

The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, “What would you like it to be?”

Thanks to Phill

4/15/08

Two fishermen were in a boat by the lake, when one of them stood to catch a fish in a net. As he scooped up the carp, his wallet fell out of his back pocket. As the seemingly doomed billfold started to sink to the lake bottom, the carp slipped out of the net and swam after it, re-emerging with it on his nose.

However, instead of returning it, he tossed it to one of his fish buddies, who balanced it on his nose. More of more of fish-buddies emerged from the water, and all of them played this strange game of keep-away with the man’s billfold.

The first man watched, slackjawed. He said to the other, “Have you ever seen anything like this before?”

The second man answered “Sure, I have. Haven’t you heard of carp-to-carp walleting?”

4/14/08

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and catfish?

A: One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.

4/13/08

An old man was dying. He sent for his accountant and his lawyer to come and sit by his bed as he died. Jesus had died between two thieves, and that's how he wanted to go, too.

4/12/08

Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None, it's a waste of time because the new bulb probably won't work either.

Thanks to Phill

4/11/08

Q: How many idiots does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 10 - 1 to hold the bulb and nine to turn the ladder.

Thanks to Phill

4/10/08

Q: How many Hippies does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 10, one to change the bulb and 9 to share in the experience man!

Thanks to Phill

4/8/08

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, “Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again.”

Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that's different?”

Billy Bob says, “This year I'm taking Earlene with me.”

Thanks to Nancy Farry

4/7/08

Seven days without a pun makes one weak.