Sometimes ya gotta laugh

  

 

2/4/12

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"

"Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

 

2/3/12

Recently, Germany conducted some scientific exploration involving their best scientists. Core drilling samples of earth were taken to a depth of 50m and during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. So they ordered their own scientists to take their core samples at a depth of 100m. From these samples, they found small pieces of glass and soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide optical fibre network.

Irish scientists were outraged. So immediately after this announcement, they ordered their scientist to take samples at a depth of 200m but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 h years ago were an even more advanced civilisation, as they already had a mobile telephone network in place.

 

2/2/12

A father walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.

A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man takes hold of the kid and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand.

The man then walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son was fine, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the thanks. As he's about to leave, the father asks one last question. "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?"

"No" the man replies, "I work for the IRS, getting people to cough it up is my business."

 

2/1/12

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth."

There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."

 

1/31/12

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?

A. They won't stop to ask for directions.

 

1/30/12

There was this farmer sitting on the front porch of his house one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.

"Hey, kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that wire?"

"Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire. I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens."

"You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

"Sure I can," the kids says, and he takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in chicken wire.

Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day and the same kid comes walking down the lane carrying a big roll of tape.

"Hey, kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that tape?"

"Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape. I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks."

"You can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

"Sure I can," the kid says, and he takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.

The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.

"Hey, kid! Where ya goin' with that stick?"

"Well, this here ain't just any ol' stick, this here's a pussy willow."

"Hang on," the farmer says, "I'll get my hat."

Thanks to Joan Litel

 

1/29/12

Did you hear about the high school student who took a college aptitude test? Oddly enough, the ability section indicated he should either become a preacher or a shepherd; however, he failed the psychological section because it showed no matter which of the two he chose, he would probably end up falling in love with one of his flock.

1/28/12

Q. What is the most disgusting food we eat for breakfast?

A. The rice Chris pees.

 

1/27/12

Two literature students were recently found murdered at Cornell University's Lab of Ornithology.

It turns out they had been mocking a killing bird.

 

1/26/12

What is the question to the answer "Allegro Assai?"

How high do a leg grow?

 

1/25/12

Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street, outside a Legion Hall just off the main Street in Dauphin, Manitoba.

After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish. A number of other patrons paid no attention to this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.

Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and switched on the headlights.

He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.

At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.....

The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over. He performed a Breathalyzer test on the gentleman who cooperated fully, and to his amazement, the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I will have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Manitoban, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.”

Thanks to Spider Robinson

 

1/24/12

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what’s up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 15 seconds or so, he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.

His mother says: “Billy, are you all right? You’ve been in here for a while.”

Billy said: “I’m fine, Mommy. I just haven’t gone potty yet.”

Mother says: “Okay, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?”

Billy says: “Works for ketchup.”

Thanks to Francine Glenn

 

1/23/12

A convict, who has been in jail for 15 years, escapes. He breaks into a house in the middle of the night, to find a couple lying in bed.

He orders them to get out. He ties the man to a chair and the woman to the bed. He leans down and kisses the woman's neck, then leaves to a different room.

The man says, "Please, don't resist him; I saw him kiss your neck. He probably wants to make love with you. Stay strong, baby, I love you."

His wife says, "Honey, he didn't kiss me. He told me he was gay and thought you were cute. He asked for the vaseline and I said it was in the bathroom. Stay strong, baby, I love you."

 

1/22/12

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks.

Thanks to Francine Glenn

1/21/12

A lady is driving down the road and hits a wild turkey flipping it over her car and into the windshield of a police car behind her.

The officer pulls her over and arrests her for Flipping Him the Bird!!

1/20/12

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?

He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said.

They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

1/19/12

A young blonde woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Bourne Bridge.

She was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge, crying.

He took pity on her and said "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship and you can start a new life in Europe ... I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

"How can I repay you for such kindness?" she asked.

"Just let me make love to you each night..." The blonde agreed.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who stowed me away" she explained. "I get food and free passage to Europe and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Nantucket Ferry."

1/18/12

There are two statues in a park: one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel came down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brought the two to life!

The angel told them, “As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.”

He looked at her, she looked at him, and they went running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waited patiently as the bushes rustled and giggling ensued.

After fifteen minutes, the two returned, out of breath and laughing.

The angel told them, “Um, you have fifteen minutes left; would you care to do it again?”

He asks her, “Shall we?”

She eagerly replied, “Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions... This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you poop on its head.”

1/17/12

Hank is getting a physical. He's naked and the doctor is sitting on a stool in front of him.

Doctor: Your belly is way too big.

Hank: I know, I haven't seen my penis in four years.

Doctor: You really should diet.

Hank: Why, what color is it?

1/16/12

Q: What do you call a sex-change operation for a woman to become a man?

A: An Addadictomy.

 

 

1/15/12

The chicken and egg are in bed. The chicken is laying back against the pillows, looking smug and satisfied smoking a cigarette.

The egg is sitting at the end of the bed, looking very unhappy.

The egg mutters to itself, "Well, I guess we answered that question."

 

 

1/14/12

Two Frenchmen are arguing the best way to define “Savior Faire.”

One says, “If a man comes into his bedroom and finds his wife with another man and he says, ‘Pardon me,’ he has Savoir Faire.”

The other says, “Non, my friend. If that man comes into his bedroom and finds his wife with another man and he says, ‘Pardon me. Please continue,’ THEN he has Savoir Faire.”

A third man who has heard both says, “Oh, non, my friends. If a man comes into his bedroom, finds his wife with another man, says, ‘Pardon me. Please continue’ and the man does - THAT MAN has Savoir Faire!!”

 

 

1/13/12

In the retirement home a female resident wearing only a bathrobe walks into a man's room and flashes him saying, "Super Sex!"

The guy just starts giggling and drooling so she moves on to the next guy's room and tries the same thing with him.

He yells at her to get out and throws a magazine at her.

Not easily discouraged she enters another man's room and stands in the doorway. She pulls open her robe and shouts, "Super sex!"

The guy looks her up and down then says, "I'll have the soup."

 

 

1/12/12

What's smaller than a teenie weenie ant?

The ant's teenie weenie!

 

 

1/11/12

Jolene was fine young lass,
who had a magnificent ass.
Not rounded and pink,
as you certainly think,
but was gray, had long ears, and ate grass.

 

 

1/10/12

A masochist laid in the bed, pleading, "Hurt me, hurt me."

The sadist stood over him, saying "No, no."

 

 

1/9/12

At a nursing home an elderly woman carefully steps into the shower. An elderly gentleman mistakenly opens the bathroom door where she is showering.

The woman is stunned and says, "Be careful, I have acute angina."

The old man smiles and says, "Ya, and you've got nice breasts, too."

 

 

1/8/12

Did you hear about the minister who one Sunday dreamed he was preaching a sermon? When he woke up he was.

 

 

1/7/12

Two elephants out for a stroll happen upon a naked man.

1st Elephant: Oh look! How CUTE!

2nd Elephant: Yes, but can it pick up peanuts?

 

 

1/6/12

I got this new deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells awesome!

 

 

1/5/12

In this country we've embraced a fixation,
and obsession o'er chronic hydration.

Spring water we suckle,
from bottles we white knuckle.

O the time lost in hourly ur'nation!

 

 

1/4/12

Three old ladies are on a tour through Scotland. The bus is driving over the moors when they see a handsome Scotsman asleep on the heather wearing his tartan kilt.

Each lady looks at the other and ask in unison... "I've always wondered what they wear under the kilts!" Also, in unison they emphatically ask the driver to stop.

They exit the tour bus and go over to inspect closely this viral young man. They gently lift his kilt and fall back in amazement!!! What they see is, well... wonderous. They take a blue ribbon from one of the woman's hair and tie it around the object of their admiration. They board the bus and leave satisfied about the answer to their question.

Later in the afternoon the handsome Scotman awakes. He feels a tightness around a vital spot and lifts the kilt to inspect... He sees the blue ribbon! He is aghast! "I don't know where you been me boy nor what ye been up to, but by god! I'm proud of ye. Ye won First prize!!!!"

 

 

1/3/12

An elderly man in Kentucky had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while to look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, “We're not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned, “I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked...”

Holding the bucket up he said, “I'm here to feed the alligator.”

 

 

1/2/12

Abdul Hassan was a famous maker of carpets in the reign of the Great Caliph, who was much admired for his craftsmanship. But one day, as he was presenting his wares to the Court, a frightful catastrophe occurred. When Abdul bowed low before Haroun al Rashid, he broke wind.

That night, the carpet-maker closed his shop, piled his most precious wares upon a single camel, and left Baghdad. For years he wandered, changing his name but not his profession, over the lands of Syria, Persia, and Iraq. He prospered, but always he yearned for the beloved city of his birth.

He was an old man when at last he felt sure that everyone had forgotten his disgrace, and it was safe to return homeward again. The night was falling when the minarets of Baghdad came in sight, so he decided to rest at a convenient hostel before entering the city in the morning.

The innkeeper was talkative and friendly, so Abdul was delighted to ply him for news of all that had occurred during his long absence. They were both laughing over one of the court scandals when Abdul asked casually: “When did that happen?”
The innkeeper paused in thought, then scratched his head.

“I’m not sure of the date,” he said, “but it was about five years after Abdul Hassan farted.”

Thanks to Arthur C. Clarke

 

 

1/1/12

Traveling Salesman: My car broke down. Can I stay the night?

Farmer: Yes, but it's a small place. You'll have to sleep with my son.

Traveling Salesman: Excuse me, I think I'm in the wrong joke.

 

 

12/31/11

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in.

A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

 

 

12/30/11

For Those Who Take Life Way Too Seriously ...

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

 

 

12/29/11

For Those Who Take Life Way Too Seriously ...

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

 

 

12/28/11

The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."

Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?"

"Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."

 

 

12/27/11

Two men who haven't seen each other for many years meet on the street. One asks the other how things have been.

"Wonderful, for a while," the other says. "I had it all: money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman. Then, one day, poof! It was all gone."

"What a shame," the friend says. "What on Earth happened?"

Says the other man: "My wife found out."

 

 

12/26/11

Ten things to say about gifts you don't like

10. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that would've fit.
9. It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.
8. Perfect for wearing in the basement.
7. Well, well, well...
6. I really don't deserve this.
5. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!
4. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
2. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.
1. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity

 

 

12/25/11

It was a romantic full moon when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon," replied Rosita.

"Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang ....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas. Weeweechu a Merry Christmas. Weeweechu a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year."

Thanks to Francine Glenn

 

 

12/24/11

Q: What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve?

A: They go into town, and blow a few bucks.

 

 

12/23/11

Q: What's a good holiday tip?

A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

 

 

12/22/11

There was once a great czar in Russia named Rudolph the Red.

He stood looking out the windows of is palace one day while his wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby knitting. He turned to her and said, "Look my dear, it has begun to rain!"

Without even looking up from her knitting she replied, "It's too cold to rain. It
must be sleeting."

The Czar shook his head and said, "I am the Czar of all the Russias, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

 

 

12/21/11

Question: What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Answer: Subordinate Clauses.

 

 

12/20/11

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund reached out and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

 

 

12/19/11

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning.

Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really, really you, grandmother?" the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"

"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"

 

 

12/18/11

Every Sunday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up early and eager, golfs all day long, sometimes 36 holes.

Well, one Sunday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course.

Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; torrential downpour.

There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that mess?"

 

 

12/17/11

A Cowboy's Guide to Life

Never squat with yer spurs on.

 

 

12/16/11

A Cowboy's Guide to Life

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

 

 

12/15/11

A Cowboy's Guide to Life

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

 

 

12/14/11

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentine, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai.

Thanks to Spider Robinson

 

 

12/13/11

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."

Thanks to Joan Gaustad

 

 

12/12/11

A young man walked into an insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle.

Insurance agent: "Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?"

Young man: "I've got a kickstand. Is that the same thing?"

 

 

12/11/11

There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which "lived" there was feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost, "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph." The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.

So what's the moral of the story?

The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

 

 

12/10/11

"It would take too long to explain."

REALLY MEANS …

"I have no idea how it works."

 

 

12/9/11

"That's interesting, dear."

REALLY MEANS …

"Are you still talking?"

 

 

12/8/11

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."

REALLY MEANS …

"I forgot our anniversary again."

 

 

12/7/11

"I'm getting more exercise lately."

REALLY MEANS ...

"The batteries in the remote are dead."

 

 

12/6/11

"What did I do this time?"

REALLY MEANS …

"What did you catch me doing?"

 

 

12/5/11

"Can I help with dinner?"

REALLY MEANS …

"Why isn't it already on the table?"

 

 

12/4/11

"You really look terrific in that outfit."

REALLY MEANS …

"Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."

 

 

12/3/11

"I do help around the house."

REALLY MEANS …

"I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."

 

 

12/2/11

"That's women's work."

REALLY MEANS …

"It's dirty, difficult and thankless."

 

 

12/1/11

"It's a guy thing."

REALLY MEANS …

"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

 

 

11/30/11

"She's one of those rabid feminists."

REALLY MEANS …

"She refused to make my coffee."

 

 

11/29/11

"It's really a good movie."

REALLY MEANS ...

"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and good looking women."

 

 

11/28/11

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."

REALLY MEANS …

"No one will ever see us alive again."

 

 

11/27/11

"I can't find it."

REALLY MEANS …

"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

 

 

11/26/11

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."

REALLY MEANS ...

"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

 

 

11/25/11

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal."

REALLY MEANS ...

"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

 

 

11/24/11

"You know how bad my memory is."

REALLY MEANS ...

"I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop," the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

 

 

11/23/11

"We're going to be late."

REALLY MEANS ...

"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

 

 

 

11/22/11

There was a young couple living in an old run down house. One day the man gets home from work and his wife says, "Honey, look at the walls. They haven't been painted as long as we have lived here. It's peeling and cracking; couldn't you please just paint them?"

"Who do I look like? Michelangelo?" the man replies.

"I guess not", says the wife.

The next day the man gets back from work again. Again his wife starts to complain. "Oh sugar, couldn't you just please at least repair the stairs? They're falling apart and they're really unsafe to walk up."

The man says, "Who do I look like? Frank Lloyd Wright?"

"Well, maybe not," says the wife.

The next week the man returns from his job. He walks into his house and is suddenly amazed. The stairs are fixed, the walls were painted and the house looked superb. "Honey, how did you do this? It looks great!" he says.

"Well I met up with a handyman down the street. He offered to repair our house if I either bake him a batch of brownies or sleep with him" says the wife.

"Well, honey, you baked the batch of brownies, right?"

The wife replies, "Who do I look like, Sara Lee?"

 

 

 

11/21/11

On her way back from the concession stand, Julie asked a man at the end of the row, "Pardon me, but did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?"

Expecting an apology, the man said, "Indeed you did."

Julie nodded, and noted, "Oh good. Then this is my row."

 

 

 

11/20/11

One balmy day in the South Pacific, a navy ship espied smoke coming from one of three huts on an uncharted island. Upon arriving at the shore they were met by a shipwreck survivor. He said, "I'm so glad you're here! I've been alone on this island for more than five years!"

The captain replied, "If you're all alone on the island why do I see THREE huts."

The survivor said, "Oh. We'll, I live in one, and go to church in another."

"What about the THIRD hut?" asked the captain.

"That's where I USED to go to church."

 

 

 

11/19/11

Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.
"What happened?" asks the first officer.

"Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."

"Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?"

"You're right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, "this is the work of a cereal killer."

 

 

 

11/18/11

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

 

 

 

11/17/11

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" wonders one of the lawyers. "Watch, and you'll see," replies one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers see this and agree it is quite a clever idea. After the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch, and you'll see," replies one of the engineers.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. A few moments later, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

 

 

 

11/16/11

About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface.

Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits.

Nearby a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message, they asked his son to translate. His son would not.

Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate. Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land."

 

 

 

11/15/11

In other words …

Surveillance should precede salutations.

Think before you speak.

 

 

 

11/14/11

In other words …

Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.

Birds of a feather, flock together.

 

 

 

11/13/11

In other words …

It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal fluid.

Don't cry over spilled milk.

 

 

 

11/12/11

In other words …

All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.

All that glitters is not gold.

 

 

 

11/11/11

In other words …

Where there are visible vapors in ignited carbonaceous material, there is conflagration.

Where there's smoke, there's fire.

 

 

 

11/10/11

In other words …

The stylus is more potent then the claymore.

The pen is mightier than the sword.

 

 

 

11/9/11

In other words …

The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled saucepan does not does reach 212 F'.

A watched pot doesn't boil.

 

 

 

11/8/11

In other words …

Pulchritude poses possesses solely cutaneous profundity.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

 

 

 

11/7/11

In other words …

It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.

You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

 

 

 

11/6/11

In other words …

Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.

Cleanliness is next to godliness.

 

 

 

11/5/11

In other words …

Eschew the implement of correction of vitiate the scion.

Spare the rod and spoil the child.

 

 

 

11/4/11

In other words …

Scintillate, Scintillate, asteroid exiguous.

Twinkle, twinkle, little star.

 

 

 

11/3/11

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.

When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more; they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."

The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."

"Well, who was it?"

"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."

 

 

 

11/2/11

Signs that live in the Deep South ...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "Ya ain't from 'round here, are ya?"
4. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.

 

 

 

11/1/11

Signs that live in the Midwest ...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

 

 

 

10/31/11

Signs that live in upstate New York ...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.

 

 

 

10/30/11

Signs that live in Florida ...

1. You eat dinner at 4:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

 

 

 

10/29/11

Signs that live in New York City ...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a 4-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature."
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

 

 

 

10/28/11

Signs that live in Colorado ...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

 

 

 

10/27/11

Signs that live in California...

1. You make over $250,000 and still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

 

 

 

10/26/11

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

 

 

 

10/25/11

Deciding to take a day off from his important job, a young hot-shot broker went back to visit some of his professors at his old school. Entering the school, he saw a dog attacking a small child. He quickly jumped on the dog and strangled it.

The next day, the local paper reported the story with the headline "Valiant Student Saves Boy From Fearsome Dog."

The broker called the editor of the paper and strongly suggested that a correction be issued, pointing out that he was no longer a student, but a successful Wall Street broker.

The following day, the paper issued a correction, with a headline that read: "Pompous Stock Broker Kills School Mascot."

 

 

 

10/24/11

After one of the machines at work suddenly went on the fritz, Joe called the repair service and asked to speak to the manager, Ahmed.

"Hello, Ed speaking. How can I help you?" said the guy who answered the phone.

"Sorry," said Joe. "I was looking for Ahmed."

"This is Ahmed," came the reply. "How can I help you?"

"I thought you just said your name was Ed?" said Joe.

"It is. But whenever I say 'Ahmed,' people think I'm saying, 'I'm Ed.' So I figured it's just easier to be Ed."

 

 

 

10/23/11

Oral Roberts picks up the phone in Oklahoma and a voice says, "I got some good news and some bad news, Oral."

Oral says, "Okay, what's the good news?"

The voice says, "Oral, this is the Lord!"

Oral asks, "...and the bad news?"

The voice says, "I'm calling from Salt Lake City."

Thanks to Chris Kingsley

 

 

 

10/22/11

Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink.

The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?"

The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there."

The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know --she might say yes."

The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right -- how likely is THAT to happen?"

 

 

 

10/21/11

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think that means?"

"You'll know tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it, to find a book titled: The Meaning of Dreams.

 

 

 

10/20/11

The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."

 

 

 

10/19/11

As a jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth 50,000 years ago at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

A blonde sitting next to the window exclaimed: "Wow, look! It just missed the highway!"

 

 

 

10/18/11

The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news.

"Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!"

"Honestly?"

The politician's smiled faded. "Aw, heck, Ma, why bring that up at a time like this?"

 

 

 

10/17/11

One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

 

 

 

10/16/11

Rabbi Bloom was getting quite a reputation for his sermons. His synagogue was always packed because his congregation didn't want to miss a single one of his words.

One Sabbath, one member had to go to another synagogue to attend a nephew's bar mitzvah. Because he didn't want to miss the sermon, he asked one of his non-Jewish friends to go in his place and tape the Rabbi's sermon. In that way, he could listen to it when he got back.

When other members of the congregation saw what was going on, they too decided to ask their non-Jewish friends to go in their places to record the sermon. They could then do other things, such as play golf or go to a football game.

Within a short time, there were 100 gentiles sitting in the synagogue recording the Rabbi's sermon. The Rabbi got wise to this. So the following Sabbath, he, too, asked a non-Jewish friend to attend on his behalf. His friend brought a tape recorder and played the Rabbi's pre-recorded sermon to the 100 non-Jews in the congregation who then recorded the sermon on their own machines.

This is believed to be the first incidence in history of “artificial insermonation.”

 

 

 

10/15/11

A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband's complaint that he leads a dog's life is probably well founded.

"He comes in the house with muddy feet," she said, "tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture."

 

 

 

10/14/11

In the period that Albert Einstein was active as a professor, one of his students came to him and said, "The questions on this year's exam are the same as last year's!"

"True," Einstein said, "but this year all the answers are different."

Thanks to Jonathan Mersel

 

 

 

10/13/11

WANTED
$10,000 reward
Schroedinger's Cat
Dead or Alive

Thanks to Jonathan Mersel

 

 

 

10/12/11

Heisenberg and Shroedinger are pulled over by a cop. The cop says, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg says, "No, but I can tell you exactly where we are."

Then the cop asks to look in the trunk, and does so. He says, "Did you know that you have a dead cat in here?"

Shroedinger says, "Well, now it is!"

Thanks to Jonathan Mersel

 

 

 

10/11/11

A DECIMAL POINT

When you rearrange the letters

I'M A DOT IN PLACE

 

 

 

10/10/11

SNOOZE ALARMS

When you rearrange the letters

ALAS! NO MORE ZS

 

 

 

10/9/11

Toward the end of church service, the Minister asked the congregation, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

All held up their hands except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight." she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."

 

 

 

10/8/11

SLOT MACHINES

When you rearrange the letters

CASH LOST IN ME

 

 

 

10/7/11

ELEVEN PLUS TWO

When you rearrange the letters

TWELVE PLUS ONE

 

 

 

10/6/11

ANIMOSITY

When you rearrange the letters

IS NO AMITY

 

 

 

10/5/11

THE MORSE CODE

When you rearrange the letters

HERE COME DOTS

 

 

 

10/4/11

DORMITORY

When you rearrange the letters

DIRTY ROOM

 

 

 

10/3/11

A redneck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The redneck is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down one tree and it took all the gosh-darned day!"

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the redneck asks, "What's that noise?"

 

 

 

10/2/11

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair colour. She figures that since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in front of God again and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"

God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you.

 

 

 

10/1/11

TEACHER: Devin, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have twenty years ago.

DEVIN: Me!

 

 

 

9/30/11

A husband came home from work exhausted. He said to his wife, "I need my glasses checked. I'm so nearsighted I nearly worked myself to death."

Perplexed, the wife asked, "What's being nearsighted got to do with working yourself to death?"

"I couldn't tell whether the boss was watching me or not, so I had to work the whole time!"

 

 

 

9/29/11

A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other.

"Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you"

"In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss it on the forehead and let it go"

 

 

 

9/28/11

What the movies have taught us …

Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.

 

 

 

9/27/11

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

 

 

 

9/26/11

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh, "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Thanks to Francine Glenn

 

 

 

9/25/11

Maxine was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, she said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila.”

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

She looked up again and said, “Never mind. I found one.”

 

 

 

9/24/11

Senior Personal Ads

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

 

 

 

9/23/11

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.

"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client on the phone.

"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.

"Is Mr. Smith there?" repeated the client.

The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me, I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."

"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client again.

"Ma'am, do you understand what I'm saying?" said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is DEAD!"

"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."

 

 

 

9/22/11

The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply...

"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."

 

 

 

9/21/11

TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

 

 

 

9/20/11

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3 - I'm a 6-foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

 

 

9/19/11

One fine day, Jim and John are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey John, come here; I've got some trouble down here."

John comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Jim? Everything OK?"

Jim shouts back: "Throw me my 8-iron! Apparently, you can't get out of here with a 7."

 

 

 

9/18/11

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be selfsufficient gets word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief: "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts: "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says: "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts: "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds: "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them!

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other! How could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied: "My bike."

 

 

 

9/17/11

There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.

When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"

To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times."

 

 

 

9/16/11

An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?"

Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law.

"No, no," one replied. "We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks."

 

 

 

9/15/11

A big Texas rancher and a little Missouri farmer had a conversation.

The Texas rancher said, "I can get into my truck, drive it all day and not ever get off of my ranch!"

"Yeah," replied the little Missouri farmer, "I had a truck like that one time."

 

 

 

9/14/11

One evening an avid bird watcher stood in his backyard and heard an owl hoot. So he thought he'd give a hoot back. To his surprise and delight the bird hooted again. The next night the same scenario occurred.

All summer, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversations."

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter species communication, his wife, had a chat with her next door neighbor.

"My husband spends his nights calling to owls," the wife commented.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."

Then it dawned on them....

 

 

 

9/13/11

Approaching ninety years of age, Mrs. Harris finally decided it was time to give up her apartment in New York and move to Miami.

She was given the name of a Florida realtor, who enthusiastically drove her all over Miami, extolling the virtues of every apartment they looked at.

"And this one, what a steal," he rhapsodized, "the investment of a lifetime. Why, in ten years it's gonna be worth three times..."

"10 years? Sonny," interrupted Mrs. Harris, "at my age I don't even buy green bananas."

 

 

 

9/12/11

A young man who was an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried, and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man.

Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man leaned back on his golf bag and said, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

 

 

 

9/11/11

In the middle of an argument a husband said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time!"

The wife responded calmly, "Allow me to explain...the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

 

 

 

9/10/11

Three old men are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

 

 

 

9/9/11

Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next.

Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole mother?"

Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again.

"So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your mother?"

Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes, I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."

"Excellent!!! So, are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not. My father can't stand her!"

 

 

 

9/8/11

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled:

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away:

"Hello! We're down here..."

 

 

 

9/7/11

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us kissing in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!'"

"I remember that too," she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today!"

 

 

 

9/6/11

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

 

 

 

9/5/11

A recently retired Nebraska farmer went to Dallas for the first vacation he had taken in his entire working life. He checked into a downtown hotel, but when he got to his room he immediately called the front desk.

The farmer said, "This here bed kin sleep the whole Cornhuskers football team! I only wanted a regular-sized bed."

The clerk responded, "That is a regular size bed, sir. You have to remember that everything's big in Texas!"

The farmer went to the hotel's bar and ordered a draught beer. When he was served, he said to the bartender, "This is as big as a milkin' pitcher. I only asked for a glass of beer!"

The bartender answered, "That is a glass of beer, sir. You have to remember that everything's big in Texas!"

When the waiter in the hotel's dining room brought out the steak the farmer ordered for dinner, the farmer exclaimed, "That steak's as big as my thigh, the baked potato's bigger 'n a watermelon, and this corn-on-a-cob's as big as a baseball bat! Where'd this come from?"

The waiter replied, "It's all local, sir. You have to remember that everything's big in Texas!"

When the waiter asked the farmer if he wanted to see the dessert menu, the farmer said he might be able to squeeze something in, but after consuming all that food and drink he needed to use the restroom first.

The waiter directed him to go down the hall to the first door on the right.

By this time, the farmer was quite inebriated and mistakenly went through the first door on the left. He walked across the tiled floor and fell into the swimming pool. When the farmer came sputtering to the surface, he yelled out, "For gawd's sakes, please don't flush!"

 

 

 

9/4/11

Did you hear? Buckwheat converted to Islam. He's now known as Kareemofwheat.

 

 

 

9/3/11

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. "Professionally employed?" he asked.

"We're a military family," the wife answered.

"Children?"

"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.

"Animals?"

"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."

 

 

 

9/2/11

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "WITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

 

 

 

9/1/11

Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop.

"I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon.

"What for?" asked his colleague.

"About $17,000."

"What did he have?"

"Oh... About $17,000."

 

 

 

8/31/11

As a jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth 50,000 years ago at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

The lady sitting next to me exclaimed: "Wow, look! It just missed the highway!"

 

 

 

8/30/11

Tired of the inconvenience of driving from the airport to his country cottage, a man equipped his small plane with pontoons so he could land on the lake directly in front of his cottage. On his next trip however, he made his approach down the airport runway as usual.

Alarmed, his wife cried out, "Are you crazy? You can't land this plane here without wheels!"

The startled husband yanked the nose up, narrowly averting certain disaster.

Continuing home, he landed the plane on the lake without mishap. As he sat there, visibly shaken, he said to his wife, "I don't know what on earth got into me. That's the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life!"

And with that, he opened the door and stepped out ... right into the water.

 

 

 

8/29/11

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk entered. She was sporting a variety of tattoos and wearing strange clothing. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read: Keep off the grass.

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said: Sorry, had to mow the lawn.

Thanks to Joan Litel

 

 

 

8/28/11

The priest asked young Paul what his favorite bible story was.

"I guess the one about Noah and the ark, where they floated around on the water for 40 days and 40 nights" replied Paul.

"That was a good story," said the priest, "and with all that water, I bet they had a good time fishing, don't you think?"

Paul thought for a moment, then replied, "I don't think so. They only had two worms."

 

 

 

8/27/11

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

 

 

 

8/26/11

The Modern Toolbox

Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.

 

 

 

8/25/11

The Modern Toolbox

Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

 

 

 

8/24/11

A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, "Meat loaf and a kind word."

When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, "Where's the kind word?"

The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed. He bent down and whispered, "Don't eat the meat loaf."

 

 

 

8/23/11

A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.

"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I'm going to explode."

Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment.

"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"

"No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common."

"Tell me! What is it?"

"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."

 

 

 

8/22/11

Jack made his way through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying: "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!"

 

 

 

8/21/11

First thing - every single morning - one of the secretaries in the office opened the newspaper and read everyone's horoscope aloud.

"Gwen," said the boss finally, "you seem to be a normal, levelheaded person. Do you really believe in astrology?"

"Of course not," Gwen answered. "You know how skeptical we Capricorns are."

 

 

 

8/20/11

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it -- almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

Thanks to Linda S. Amstutz

 

 

 

8/19/11

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."

 

 

 

8/18/11

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

 

 

 

8/17/11

A man goes to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an elephant, in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. The man very carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the thorn from its foot. The elephant begins to walk away, then turns and stares at the man for a full minute, locking eyes with him. The elephant then continues on its way. "I wonder if I ever see that elephant again if it will remember me?" the man muses to himself.

It is a few years later, and the man is at a circus back in the States. He notices that one of the elephants keeps looking at him, almost like it KNOWS him. The man wonders, "Could this be that elephant I helped so long ago?"

He decides to get a closer look. With the elephant still giving him the stare down, the man moves in closer, getting right up in front of the elephant. They lock eyes. A knowing look seems to cross the elephant's face. It reaches down... picks the man up carefully with its trunk... lifts him high in the air... THROWS HIM, CRASHING TO THE GROUND AND STOMPS HIM TO NEAR DEATH!

...Turns out it wasn't THAT elephant.

 

 

 

8/16/11

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.

"Ever have an accident?"

"Nope, nary a one."

"None? You've never had any accidents."

"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."

"Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"

"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."

 

 

 

8/15/11

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

 

 

 

8/14/11

I am not a believer in séances, but I went to one just to see what they are like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear. I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and gave him a poke in the nose. You can probably guess the rest.

I was arrested for striking a happy medium.

 

 

 

8/13/11

You've had too much of the 21st Century when …

You hear most of your jokes via e-mail rather than in person.

 

 

 

8/12/11

You've had too much of the 21st Century when …

You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

 

 

 

8/11/11

You've had too much of the 21st Century when …

You try to enter your password on the microwave.

 

 

 

8/10/11

A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night I dreamed I was a Ferrari. Another night I dreamed I was a BMW. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?"

"Relax," says the doctor, "you're just having an auto-body experience."

 

 

 

8/9/11

"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."

"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"

 

 

 

8/8/11

A husband and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

"OK," says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.

 

 

 

8/7/11

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.

Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"

"I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

 

 

 

8/6/11

A guy was hitch-hiking on a very dark and stormy night. The night was getting on and no cars went by. Suddenly he saw a car roll slowly toward him and stop.

Without thinking about it, the guy jumped into the back seat and closed the door when he suddenly realized there was nobody behind the wheel! Just then the car started slowly rolling forward again. He was beginning to get really freaked out when he noticed a curve in the road ahead. He was just thinking about climbing into the front seat when a hand mysteriously appeared through the window and moved the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time right before a curve.

Gathering his courage, the guy finally jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he went to a restaurant and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same restaurant. They were looking around for a table when one said to the other, "Hey, look, isn't that the jerk who got in the car when we were pushing it?"

 

 

 

8/5/11

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What the heck is a golf gun?"

"I'm not for certain, but it sure made a hole in Juan!"

 

 

 

8/4/11

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

HELP WANTED Must be a good typist and be good with a computer. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air. The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, then presented them to the manager.

The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog -- no way could I hire you."

The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."
The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow!!!"

 

 

 

8/3/11

One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.

As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."

The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."

 

 

 

8/2/11

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."

ELLEN: I is...

TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."

ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

 

 

 

8/1/11

This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck!"

 

 

 

7/31/11

An engineer dies and reports to hell.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

 

 

 

7/30/11

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"

JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."

 

 

 

7/29/11

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd really love to be ten again," she replied wistfully.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Frosties and then took her off to their local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema to see the latest blockbuster, complete with a hot-dog, M&M's, a big fizzy drink, and a huge bag of popcorn.

What a time she had!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Darling, what was it like being ten again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"Oh dear," she replied. "I meant my dress size."

And the moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong.

 

 

 

7/28/11

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Highway 401. Please be careful!"

"Hun," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

 

 

 

7/27/11

Ole lived across River from Clarence who he didn't like at all. They all the time were yelling across the river at each other.

Ole would yell to Clarence, "If I had a vay to cross dis river, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah sure ya betcha by golly!"

This went on for years. Finally the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses.

Ole's wife, Lena, says, "Now is your chance, Ole, vhy don't you go over dere and beat up dat Clarence?"

Ole says, "OK, by yimmy I tink I vill do yust dat" Ole started for the bridge but he sees a sign on the bridge an he stops to read it, then he turns around and comes back home.

Lena asked, "vhy did you come back?"

Ole said, "Lena, I tink I change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence, you know, dey put a sign on da bridge dat says 'Clarence is 13 ft. 6 in.' You know, he don't look near dat big vhen I yell at him from across da river."

 

 

 

7/26/11

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.
"He's a magician, Ma'am" said the new boy.

"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"

"He saws people in half."

"Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"

"One half brother and two half sisters."

 

 

 

7/25/11

A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. "Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?" he asked.

"Well, I think I do." she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

 

 

 

7/24/11

A little something I'd thought you'd like to know . . .

5759 is the year according to Jewish calendar.

4696 is the year according to Chinese calendar.

1063 is the total number of years that Jews went without Chinese food.

 

 

 

7/23/11

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

 

 

 

7/22/11

During the historic first manned mission to Mars, two Astronauts were charting the Martian surface.

"Look at that," said one to the other, "how beautiful this alien landscape is, untouched by man."

At that point, he was cut off, as he found his radio communications knocked out by unknown interference. They followed the source of the interference until they reached the rim of a crater. "Do you see what the source of that noise is?" asked the first astronaut.

"I don't know," said the second, "but it might be coming from that Starbucks behind you."

 

 

 

7/21/11

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach, "now go over there and explain it to your mother."

 

 

 

7/20/11

From an actual grade school paper:

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

 

 

 

7/19/11

From an actual grade school paper:

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German and Half Italian and half English. He was very large.

 

 

 

7/18/11

From an actual grade school paper:

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

 

 

 

7/17/11

A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So, you tell me that your mother says your prayers for you each night. That’s very commendable. What does she actually say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

 

 

 

7/16/11

When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.

 

 

 

7/15/11

A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he noticed she had bought a new book entitled, "What 20 Million American Women Want."

He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages.

His wife was a little annoyed. "Hey, what do you think you're doing?"

He calmly replied, "I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right."

 

 

 

7/14/11

A fellow walked into a Baskin & Robbins Ice Cream Parlor on a very hot summery day. He ordered a double scooped chocolate cone, received it, and then walked away.

Outside on the sidewalk he paused for a bit, then he pulled out a pair of red birds, sat down on a nearby bench with his birds, and placed them on top of his fudgie.

A passerby who glanced over his way and noticed the curious sight, was prompted to ask "What's happening, Bud, with your treat with two birdies alight?"

The fellow replied in a curious way, in an absolute serious tone, "I'm just trying, dear sir, as best I know how, to chill two birds with one cone."

 

 

 

7/13/11

A buddy out of Longview said he'd killed a mosquito that was carrying a canteen. A man in Dime Box said the chicken farmers were giving the chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs. In Lake Palestine , they caught a 20 lb catfish that had ticks on it! But just this week, in Bryan, a fire hydrant was seen bribing a dog. It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water. Now THAT's Dry!

Thanks to Joan Litel

 

 

 

7/12/11

Back in the days of the Roman Empire, the famous Emperor Nero instituted a new game. The players would take those little disks you set your glass on in order to protect the furniture, and see who could get the most distance rolling them across the floor.

They were the first roller coasters.

Back in those days, the disks were made of iron, and they would bet on whose disk would roll the farthest.

They called them ferrous wheels.

 

 

 

7/11/11

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 

 

 

7/10/11

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

 

 

 

7/9/11

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on.

A week later....the response from Dad arrived:

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraghy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad

 

 

 

7/8/11

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and visit with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

 

 

 

7/7/11

One day a frog goes into a bank and approaches a teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack, so he says, "Ms. Whack, I would like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says, $30,000. The teller then asks the frog his name and he replies, "Kermit Jagger. My dad is Mick Jagger and the loan will be okay because he knows the bank manager."

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that she will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral and the frog says, "Sure, I have this" and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she will have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there and he claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000 to buy a boat and wants to use a tiny pink elephant as collateral. I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks at her and says, "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Thanks to Kerry Varley

 

 

 

7/6/11

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline adjacent to a recreational area?"

 

 

 

7/5/11

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?

A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

 

 

 

7/4/11

A priest, an ophthalmologist, and an engineer were golfing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them."

The ophthalmologist added, "Good idea. And maybe I could examine them to see if there's anything I can do for them."

They were silent for a moment. Then the engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

 

 

 

7/3/11

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at th e plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

"What is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

 

 

 

7/2/11

A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots.

On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale.

Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the spokesman replied, "Now, when you toss a coin you can simply call.... 'Ted's or Hale's.'"

 

 

 

7/1/11

The after-dinner speaker just didn't have a Stop button. He burbled on and on and on, oblivious to his increasingly restless audience. Finally one of the more drunken diners hurled an empty wine bottle at him. It missed, and hit the Chairman instead.

As the Chairman slid slowly to the floor clutching his head, he was heard to murmur, "Hit me again, I can still hear him."

 

 

 

6/30/11

To do is to be.
---Nietzsche

To be is to do.
---Kant

Do be do be do.
---Sinatra

Thanks to Roger Kolaks

 

 

 

6/29/11

A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?"

The matchmaker said, "What exactly are you looking for?"

"Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don't go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."

The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman.

The results read, "Buy a television."

 

 

 

6/28/11

Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses?

A: On top of their heads.

 

 

 

6/27/11

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Las Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know. Why don't you play your age?" Then he walked away.

Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she alright?"

The roulette wheel operator replied, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up, she just fainted!"

 

 

 

6/26/11

The end of the world has come. God looks over the millions and millions of people and says to them, "Welcome to Heaven. I want the women to go with St. Peter. Go now and follow him. And you men, I want you to form two lines. The first line, to the left of me, is for men who dominated their women on earth. The second line, to the right of me, is for men who were dominated by their women. OK, now line up."

There was then much movement for some length of time, but eventually the women are gone and there are two lines of men. The line of the men that were dominated by their women is 150 miles long. The line of men that dominated women has only one man.

God is angry and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and yet you were all dominated by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!"

He turns to the man and says, "Tell them, my son. How did you manage to be the only one on that line?"

The man says, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

 

 

 

6/25/11

From an actual grade school paper:

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

 

 

 

6/24/11

From an actual grade school paper:

The first world war, caused by the assignation of the Arch- Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

 

 

 

6/23/11

From an actual grade school paper:

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death his career suffered a dramatic decline.

 

 

 

6/22/11

From an actual grade school paper:

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of heroic couplet.

 

 

 

6/21/11

From an actual grade school paper:

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had Myths. A Myth is a female moth.

 

 

 

6/20/11

From an actual grade school paper:

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the contented congress. Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the declaration of independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, 'A horse divided against itself cannot stand.' Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

 

 

 

6/19/11

From an actual grade school paper:

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

 

 

 

6/18/11

From an actual grade school paper:

Louis Paster discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Madam Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

 

 

 

6/17/11

From an actual grade school paper:

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam boat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

 

 

 

6/16/11

From an actual grade school paper:

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

 

 

 

6/15/11

From an actual grade school paper:

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made King. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

 

 

 

6/14/11

From an actual grade school paper:

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

 

 

 

6/13/11

From an actual grade school paper:

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in Hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and the climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

 

 

 

6/12/11

There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. "Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?"

Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can."

Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"

"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained.

"And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.

"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.

"It's a very 'old' bottle now, you know," urged Pat.

"And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.

"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?"

 

 

 

6/11/11

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

 

 

 

6/10/11

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

 

 

 

6/9/11

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself.

The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet.

"Are you hurt?" he asked.

"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"

 

 

 

6/8/11

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi, an Aussie (both blokes), a young blonde lady and a little old lady.

The train goes into a tunnel & a few seconds later there's the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: That Kiwi must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde thinks: That Kiwi must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady instead. So, SHE slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks: That Aussie must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
The Aussie thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can slap that fuckin' Kiwi again.

Thanks to Luke Bloedel

 

 

 

6/7/11

One of the company's finest technicians was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

 

 

 

6/6/11

Sue and Bob, a pair of tightwads, lived in the midwest, and had been married years. Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each time a barnstormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars."

The years went by and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least watch. And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an argument.

The pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to they problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you make one sound, you pay ten dollars.

So off they flew. The pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could--heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admitted defeat and went back the airport.

"I'm surprised you didn't say anything?"

"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

 

 

 

6/5/11

A Martian runs into some turbulence over Earth and makes a rough landing in Golders Green. After he pulls himself out of his space ship and dusts himself off, he sees that one of his wheels is broken. Not far away are some shops, so he starts to walk towards them to see if he can find a replacement.

By good luck, he comes across a store with a sign showing a wheel, and a bunch of wheels in the window. He enters the store, gets the attention of Moishe behind the counter, and says, "Excuse me, I'd like to buy a wheel."

"Wheel?" says Moishe. "We don't have wheels here."

"Then what are those things in the window?"

"Oh, those aren't wheels. They're bagels."

"Gee, they look just like wheels. What do you use them for?"

"We eat them," says Moishe and he hands a bagel to the Martian.

The Martian takes a taste, chews thoughtfully, and lights up. "Hey," he says, "I bet these would go great with cream cheese and lox!"

 

 

 

6/4/11

Cynical Meanings

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

 

 

 

6/3/11

Cynical Meanings

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either."

 

 

 

6/2/11

One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said, "Officer, you can't give me a ticket for that!'

"Why not," said the officer.

"Because although I did not stop, I slowed right down and it’s almost the same."

"But you did not stop," replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP."

"But the way was clear and it was safe," replied the motorist.

The officer then pulls out his baton and starts hitting the motorist.

"What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise.

"Do you want me to slow down or stop?" says the officer.