VarleyNews

© 2007 by John Varley; all rights reserved

RESULTS OF BUSH'S COLONOSCOPY

July 22, 2007 - You’ve probably heard that Dr. Richard Tubb, the president’s personal physician, yesterday got to do something that approximately 72% of Americans would like to do, namely, shove something cold, hard, wide, and inanimate up George W. Bush’s butt. What you probably haven’t heard is what he found up in that stygian canal. Polyps, my … well, my ass!

VarleyNews (a new agency, but a hard worker) has just received the official report, leaked to us by sources better not mentioned. First there was a brief consultation with other experts concerning which end to stick the probe into, not an easy thing to determine. (“There’s a tongue in that orifice; it’s got to be his mouth. I don’t care if it is full of shit! Insert it in the other end.”) Then Doctor Tubb turned on the colonoscope and was astonished to see …

Bush’s brain! No, wait, his head! (Get it? Head up his ass?)

No, wait, I’ve got a better one! He found Dick Cheney’s arm, up to the elbow. So he can work the mouth on the presidential hand puppet, see?

Hold on, hold on, here’s another. He found … Donald Rumsfeld! Haven’t seen him around for a while, I was wondering where he was. No, even better. Osama bin Laden! And we thought he was in Pakistan. Turns out he’s in … Puckerstan!

Oh, no, I’ve got one even better! It was the Weapons of Ass Destruction! We knew they had to be somewhere!

Leno, Letterman, Jon Stewart … all these jokes are available for a nominal fee. Any of them are better than the one Bill Maher used this evening.