John and Lee’s Idiosyncratic, Peripatetic,

Unscientific Panegyric to Disneyland

and California Adventure

© 2007-2008 by John Varley; all rights reserved

WikiMapia: Disneyland

California Adventure

Click photos to enlarge

I mentioned the long-running dispute between Frontierland and Fantasyland. (There’s a similar conflict between Fantasyland and Tomorrowland, where the Autopia crosses the border, and some people think the Matterhorn is in Tomorrowland.) Technically, the eastern borders of Rivers of America, and the sidewalk stretching along the south of it to cut New Orleans Square off from it’s supply of water, all the way to Critter Country, is a part of Frontierland, but the fact is, if they hadn’t built the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad in 1979, Frontierland would have pretty much ceased to exist. Aside from the roller coaster, and the dock for the steamboat Mark Twain and sailing ship Columbia, there’s nothing left of it but the Golden Horseshoe Stage, the Rafts to the Pirate’s Lair on Tom Sawyer Island, the Davy Crockett Explorer Canoes (seasonal, and technically a part of Critter Country now, anyway), the Shootin’ Exposition, a few shops and a Mexican restaurant. It’s kind of sad when you think of it in a historical way, not so sad when you look at it from another perspective.

When Disneyland opened, Frontierland was one of the big draws. It was large, and it was expanded over the years. Here you could ride in a horse-drawn Conestoga Wagon or the Rainbow Ridge Pack Mules or the Rainbow Caverns Mine Trains through Nature’s Wonderland, which was like the still-operating Jungle Cruise. You could take the Mike Fink Keel Boats to Fort Wilderness (now Pirate’s Lair). There was an Indian Village with real Indians doing Ceremonial Dances. The roller coaster now sits where most of these animal and cowboy/Indian attractions once delighted young and old, in the 1950s and ‘60s. So what happened?

Basically, America got over its 50-year fascination with cowboys, Indians, and westerns in the movies. I remember when I was a kid, having cap guns and other cowboy stuff. I had a coonskin cap, and though Davy Crockett wasn’t a cowboy, it was sure a western story. Many of you are probably too young to remember most of this, I don’t think a young urban boy’s fantasies these days turn much to punchin’ cows and fightin’ savage Indians. Besides, most of that Indian stuff in those days was racist and inaccurate and now it’s politically incorrect (and should be). So all that stuff gradually fell by the wayside, or was updated. Where you used to see arrow-riddled bodies of white men and a burning settler’s cabin on the riverboat tour, now you see peaceful Indians explaining their culture to their children.

(That cabin burned almost continuously—while the park was open, anyway—for 40 years, though with different back stories. First the narrator would tell you that it had been set afire by river pirates. Then the dead settler became a passed-out moonshiner whose still had exploded. Then it went green: A foolish and clumsy settler had set his own cabin afire … endangering a nearby eagle’s nest! I say almost continuously … it was shut off for a while during the “energy crisis,” but was set aflame again when the crisis was “over.” [As if. Have you checked gas prices lately?] Now it’s not coming back, and the rumor is that it would have to meet strict emission standards and just ain’t worth the trouble. Isn’t it amazing what you can discover with a little research on the Internet?)

Fantasmic!

Once upon a time, the people who run Disneyland took a look at the area surrounding the Rivers of America, and saw that it was underused. And lo, that was not good. Every inch of Disneyland should be devoted to some sort of fun, said they, and all this area was doing was providing a way for people to get from Thunder Mountain to Pirates of the Caribbean. Why not build a show here? they asked themselves. And ye shall make it 3000 cubits by 2000 cubits, and, oh, about yea tall. And thus a show was made, and they looked upon it, and saw that it was good. And the people came, and they did rejoice …

My, my, was it ever good. And rejoicing people … you never saw so many. This show was Fantasmic!, and it opened in 1992. To build it they had to drain the lagoon and put in new tracks for the Mark Twain and the Columbia ships to ride on (you didn’t think they actually floated, did you?) They installed light and speakers and pyrotechnic arrays in the lagoon and on huge, retractable pylons that you wouldn’t even know are there when the show’s not operating. (In fact, when the show’s not operating, you wouldn’t even know it was there at all, they tuck every bit of it away in seconds.) Then there were the many different kinds of water jets, and gas jets to set the lake on fire, and some sort of mist and fog producer and projectors … it was a huge project. And they certainly got their money’s worth.

People start staking out places around 6 PM, for a show that won’t start until 9, and repeat at 10:30. There are actually three shows, sort of, in that you can watch it from the Haunted Mansion area or over by the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad and have a fine view of much of the show, but these are the cheap seats, and most of the live action that takes place on a stage and in the hills on Tom Sawyer Island is oriented toward the Frontierland plaza area, where the largest and most determined crowds assemble.

Not wanting to fight our way into all that, we found places with a pretty good view near the dock for the rafts to the island. We noticed the Columbia wasn’t in her usual berth there. I thought it might have been moved to make room for something from the show. Lee speculated that it might be a part of the show. I doubted it. It was dark, and we could see rafts moving about on the water, with lots of people aboard, their missions mysterious to us.

The show started right on time (no surprise; Disneyland shows always start right on time) with huge bursts of fireworks all around us and coming out of the water. Fountains, explosions, and Mickey Mouse appearing on the island. The theme was “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice,” only Mickey was battling every Disney bad guy and gal and critter that ever appeared in any of the movies. The most stunning thing of all were three huge fans of spray, one directly in front of us, upon which animations from the movies (or more likely, adapted from them) were projected. This made for a liquid, three-dimensional effect that was truly awesome.

Soon the drawback of the seats out to the sides became apparent. While the movie and pyrotechnic and fog and water fountain stuff was just about as good wherever you sat, the action out on the island was harder to see from where we were. You needed to be front and center. Still, seeing only about 80% of this show was better than seeing 110% of most shows. And it was hard to complain when the Columbia, pretending to be a pirate ship, came racing around the bend (Lee was right), brightly illuminated, with Captain Hook and Smee and Peter Pan and dozens of pirates doing battle all over the decks and up in the rigging. Acrobatics, swordfights, derring-do, thumping music all around you, the whole giant ship followed by a crocodile almost as big as the ship itself … it took my breath away. Then it came around in front of us and out of sight as fog filled the lagoon and rafts full of characters moved very quickly through the lights and fountains.

Out on the island Ursula the sea witch transforms into a 20-foot octopus, and Maleficent transforms into a 40-foot dragon … all of this a little indistinct to us over on the sides, but amazing all the same. The dragon breaths fire and the whole lake is aflame! Things are happening one after the other, nary a pause for breath. Lasers, more fireworks, one effect piling on another … and here comes the Mark Twain, brilliantly lit up, and on every level, in every window, there are about 100 cast members, all in character, dancing and singing, with Mickey up in the wheelhouse … Wow!

Wow!

Wow!

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WikiMapia: Disneyland

California Adventure

Pirates of the Caribbean

This was Walt’s last ride, so to speak. It was the last Disneyland ride he worked on personally, and it opened in 1967 to rave reviews. For 40 years now those robots have been shooting at each other and singing “Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me!” And no wonder. Most people never seem to get tired of it. I certainly haven’t. To give you a measure of how much I like it, I was once stranded on it for, oh, about ten minutes, sitting in the boat in the simulated “evening,” close to the old man in his rocking chair. Fireflies are circling around. Off to your right is the back patio of a Southern plantation house, filled with tables and diners. This is the Blue Bayou Restaurant, and it’s one of the best in Disneyland … which is to say it’s far from five-star, but there’s table service, a tasty if small menu, and the food is reasonably good. You may recall me recounting my horrific experience at It’s a Small World at the New York World’s Fair, from which I barely escaped with my sanity. Not here. It was so peaceful, with only the sound of crickets and frogs and a softly plucked banjo playing different tunes, and the people at their tables with candles in the middle … I could have stayed there a lot longer. The people I felt sorry for were the ones still in line, who hadn’t made it to this idyllic bayou yet.

Then you plunge down a waterfall and into the big adventure, and it always dazzles. Of course, it’s sanitized and silly, there’s no rape and plunder (though I’m sure the guy being lowered into the well and raised again for 40 years running would feel pretty plundered by now, to say the least). Skeletons, a pirate ship firing at a shore emplacement, then into the city which is being first looted, and then burned. All loads of fun.

Over the years a few changes were made in the name of political correctness. There used to be pirates chasing pretty women … no doubt to “marry” them, like the orphan pirate crew from The Pirates of Penzance. Some people took offense. Nothing funny about rape. Well, that’s right enough, but come on. Anyway, it was altered several times, and I’m not sure who’s chasing who now. One thing that seemed to really set some people off was that the pirates were chasing the pretty women, but there was a fat woman chasing a pirate. For a while it was women chasing pirates, wielding pies and skillets. It’s confusing. Why not just leave it alone? Sure, there’s not a thing funny about real pirates, but this is fantasy, no more to be taken seriously than a kids’ game of cowboys and Indians … which, come to think of it, have practically been banished from Disneyland, too. Oh, well, I guess we can’t offend anybody. Probably for the best. But people protested, believe me, they protested, including one of the original designers, who labeled the cleaned-up ride “Boy Scouts of the Caribbean.” You just don’t change anything in Disneyland with some protests.

There were even some who didn’t like the recent updates to include elements from the wildly successful Pirates of the Caribbean movies, of which there are three now (and you can be sure there will be more, as the last one earned almost a billion dollars worldwide, and they currently rank #3, #5, and #31 on the list of biggest money makers of all time). My opinion is that the changes are all minor, and all very good. The first one is a truly amazing sight as you go through the last tunnel on the way to the pirate ship battle scene. You appear to be heading into a waterfall, and on it is projected the image of Davy Jones, the octopus-headed guy played (in heavy CGI) by Bill Nighy in the movies. But when you get there, you pass right through it and don’t get wet. It seems like they’re projecting the movie onto mist, but I’m not sure. It’s very cool.

Then into the battle, and the original pirate captain is now Geoffrey Rush as Captain Barbossa. What’s wrong with that? Then Jack Sparrow appears, three different times, the first two in hiding so you have to look quickly. And I swear, for a moment I thought they’d brought in Johnny Depp himself. These three audioanimatrons are miles better than the others, obviously the result of improved technology. The faces are incredibly expressive, and so are the body movements. Bravo to the imagineers for updating a revered old classic without doing any harm to it.