The whole damn
island is basically one big volcano.
Bring on your
red rooks, your commie queens, your nuclear-tipped bishops.
A majority of
Icelanders polled wanted to Kill Keiko!
been careful to buy good old Alaskan ice rather than the cheaper ice
available from Third World countries...
You don’t even
have to change out of your bikini to hit the slopes.
soon determined that Iceland can be moved!
Now that the business in
Iraq is pretty much settled—a
puppet government installed, embassies and
well on their way to completion, an acceptable level of
casualties—I think it’s
time to start considering America’s next target for liberation
and/or suppression. There has been a lot of loose talk about
but in my opinion those places should be allowed to simmer awhile.
North Korea doesn’t have anything worth taking, and Iran ... well,
what can you say about Iran?
The New York Times has suggested that we turn our
attention northward, to that hulking frozen giant of the north:
They have it on good authority that it is a nest of terrorists, and
we haven’t invaded the bastards since
1812 or thereabouts, so the idea is tempting, in a way. Those
canucks are quiet, but tricky. Just when you think they know their
place, they up and do something stupid like refusing to get involved
anti-ballistic-missile defense program. What’s the deal with
However, I have identified a much more immediate threat to our
national security, so dire and in such an unexpected place that I
think those Molson-chuckers
will just have to get in line and wait their turn. I’m talking about
Iceland, that deceptively quiet little nation that hovers annoyingly
off America’s Northeastern coast like a really big snowball with
rocks in it ready to be tossed over the sacred walls of Fortress
America should any of those tricky Norsemen take the notion.
You probably think I’m crazy. Well, they called Napoleon crazy, too,
and look what happened to those people! Now I’ll bet they wish
they’d have listened! Here’s how it goes, so judge for yourself:
Bobby Fischer. In 1972 he went to
and played a chess match against
Boris Spassky, the Russian champion. The media went wild. It was
the Cold War, and Bobby was the first American contender ever for
the world title. Bobby blew the Russian away, 12.5 to 8.5.
Hooray! We’re number one! Bring on your red rooks, your commie
queens, your nuclear-tipped bishops. We’ll sic Bobby on those
suckers and, after months and months of arguing about every detail
of the arena, and about television coverage, and mind-numbing
psych-out games, we’ll hand you your dead Marxist-Leninist kings on
But it quickly became apparent that, though Bobby was maybe the best
chess player that ever lived, he was a few pawns short of a
Ruy-Lopez in other departments. He never defended his title, was
stripped of it by the
World Chess Federation, and vanished into a paranoid hell,
muttering about Jews and international conspiracies. One of the
Then he popped up again in 1992, in the country formerly known as
Yugoslavia, for a re-match
with Spassky. Trouble was, this was in defiance of UN sanctions and,
more importantly, US law. A
warrant was issued
for his arrest. He played Spassky and beat him again, then vanished
into hiding. A worldwide search was organized but the clever chess
master managed to stay one step ahead of our best agents.
Then last year he surfaced in
Japan, where he was put in jail. The US filed extradition
papers. It looked like the damn scofflaw was about to get his
... and then Iceland stepped in. They granted him citizenship in
absentia, and the next thing we knew he was being hustled onto an
airplane on his way to Reykjavik. That’s
he is now, thumbing his nose at American justice.
Ha! Starting to make sense now, aren’t I? What? You’re still not
following me? All right, I’ll explain. First, a few facts about
Iceland is a big rock in the North Atlantic, hanging from the Arctic
Circle, tucked treacherously up under the shadow of Greenland as if
trying not to be noticed. The inhabitants eke out a meager living by
exporting four things: 1) Ice, 2) Sardines, 3)
movies of empty lives full of existential despair, and 4)
Björk. Just number 4 is enough,
in my book, to justify international sanctions.
They will always be able to export boring movies of empty lives full
of existential despair as long as critics like
Turan of the
Los Angeles Times continue to
encourage them, and I don’t know what anybody can do about Björk.
But overfishing has greatly reduced the sardine catch, and the
Icelanders are worried. (They used to be a big whaling nation—a
majority of Icelanders polled wanted to
new regulations limit them to a few dozen whales per year.) As for
I’m an iced tea drinker, I use a lot of ice. I’ve always been
careful to buy good old Alaskan ice rather than the cheaper ice
available from Third World countries like Sweden and Norway where
World Trade Organization has allowed regressive labor practices
and abuses to go on to increase the profits of the big Russian Ice
Cartel. I just couldn’t enjoy my tea if I had to think of those
little blonde 8-year-olds chipping their chapped fingers to the bone
to cool my refreshing beverage.
Imagine my surprise and horror when I discovered that the Icelanders
were busy smuggling cheap Icelandic ice into Alaska, dumping it on
the market, and passing if off as American ice! That’s when I
started to get really angry at Iceland!
Now, there are two other things you should know about Iceland before
it will all become clear, why they are sheltering that international
war criminal, Fischer. First, Iceland is volcanic. The whole damn
island is basically one big volcano. Second ... it’s growing! Every
few years a volcano erupts and spills lava into the sea and presto!
Another couple square miles of Iceland! Accident? I don’t think so.
As far as I know, Iceland is the only country in the world that’s
actually growing. (Except the state of Hawaii.) They claim they have
no further territorial ambitions, but that’s what Hitler said after
Munich. We don’t allow nations to expand their boundaries, it’s an
international no-no. Recently, when Iraq tried to expand into Kuwait
... well, we’re still sorting that out. Are we going to continue to
let them get away with it? If we do, I can tell you what’s going to
happen. One day the good, honest lobstermen of Maine will wake and
look out to sea and see ... Iceland! A rocky, volcanic coast
complete with new coastal waters. They’ll be poaching our lobsters
before you know it.
But that’s only the tip of the iceberg.
The Icelanders have seen the writing on the wall, and it spells
GLOBAL WARMING. The Earth is heating up. Soon their vast deposits of
ice will melt away, and they’ll have nothing to support themselves
with but diminishing sardine runs and Björk. Their national pride
won’t permit it. So they’ve come up with a plan. Several plans,
actually, and that’s why they need Bobby Fischer. Any good chess
master has several plans in mind depending on the shifting positions
on the board. Here they are:
GAMBIT A: “Weapons of Massive Eruption.” Something that has
rankled Icelanders for centuries is that they have a fifth resource
in addition to the ones mentioned above, but have never found a way
to profit from. That is, of course, volcanoes. Geothermal energy has
been much discussed, but how do you make money from it? String power
lines to New Brunswick and Norway? They got all this power and what
can they do with it? Heat their miserable igloos and run CD players
to listen to Björk.
Now they have their answer. Volcanoes can erupt with an energy to
dwarf the biggest atomic bomb. They have been laboring for decades
now on “Project Verne,” a sinister undertaking intended to hold the
world hostage and force us to buy their ice and sardines.
Project Verne is headed by Dr. Agnes Oliversdottir, the
great-great-great-great-granddottir of Oliver Lindenbrook, whose
story was told so inaccurately in
Journey to the Center of the
James Mason played Dr. Lindenbrook, remember? It was dressed
up by Disney to look like a silly little farce, but it’s true! For
over a century now the Icelanders have been exploring the Earth’s
interior, and they have learned to control volcanic eruptions.
St. Helens? That was just a test! Expect more in the future, unless
we do something about it now. And if we don’t do something, expect
to eat a lot of iced sardines and listen to a lot of Björk. We have
to stop these WMEs now, while we have the chance.
GAMBIT B: “Let It Melt.” Iceland sits on the edge of the
Reykjanes Ridge, which connects to the
Mid-Atlantic Ridge, which reaches all the way to the
Puerto Rico Trench and hence the Caribbean Islands and
ultimately, Florida. Studying the maps like a chessboard, Bobby
Fischer soon determined that Iceland can be moved! Not just
expanded, which they’re already doing. Moved!
What you do, see, is you set off volcanoes on both the north and
south sides of the island. On the south, you open up the ridges,
which are really zones of upwelling where the floor of the Atlantic
is spreading out and the molten mantle is close to the surface. Use
volcanic energy to split the ridges wider. Then use volcanoes on the
north side like rocket exhausts to propel the island over the
exposed hot magma like a surfer on a board. In no time at all you’re
waving to the
Canary Islands off your port bow, then
Cape Verde, then
Bermuda, and at the end you just find a parking place somewhere
Why go to all this trouble? Because global warming is inevitable. So
heat the Earth even more with all those volcanoes, and at the same
time move down to the sunny south. You think Icelanders liked living
on a rocky snowball? Only reason anybody would live there is they
were born there, they have jobs there, they have to visit relatives
now and again. This way, they bring the family and jobs with them.
And instead of ice and sardines etc. now they can cash in on the
biggest industry in the world, outside of drugs ... tourism!
You can write off the Bahamas totally. Who’s going to fly all that
way to a bunch of sandspits when they can hop a motorboat from Miami
and in ten minutes be in a mountain paradise? Great beaches, now
that they’re warm. Polite Nordic waitresses and hotel managers and
ski instructors instead of all those surly, corrupt Bahamians.
Wait, I hear you protest. Did I hear you say ski instructors?
Exactly! Finally they’d have a use for all that geothermal power.
They could refrigerate the mountain slopes, keep all their ice
have sunny beaches. They’re already running pipes under the snow,
building power plants, and soon they’ll be able to offer something
no one else has: warm-air skiing! You don’t even have to change out
of your bikini to hit the slopes. The thing about Florida, it’s too
damn hot! Nobody goes there in the summer. Only way to get relief is
to go to your air-conditioned hotel room. But in the new, improved
Iceland, you can pick your climate. Hot and sunny on the beaches,
pleasant in the mid altitudes, with plenty of powder. Florida
tourism will be devastated! It’s a stroke of genius, and all due to
Bobby Fischer and his ability to manipulate geography the same way
he launches his mad attacks on the chessboard.
GAMBIT C: There’s a problem here, in that we don’t know
exactly what Gambit C is. The veil of secrecy over A and B is
nothing to the miasma that clouds C. All I can say for sure is,
Icelandic agents have been spotted at Scrabble tournaments,
Ken Jennings has been seen applying for a visa to Iceland, and
the pickled brains of all the top chess champions of the last two
centuries have vanished from their jars in the
Chess Museum in
Lasker ... all gone. Neither
have been seen in months. Whatever they’re building up there in the
labs of Reykjavik, it’s going to put Deep Blue to shame.
Wake up, America! We’ve protected ourselves from nuclear,
biological, and chemical weapons, but we are totally defenseless
again geological warfare! Put on your warm mittens and thermal
underwear and BVDs and stand ready to protect our nation. Invade
Iceland before it’s too late!