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December 16, 2003 - The Revised 12 Days of Xmas © 2003 by John Varley; all rights reserved |
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We usually don’t do much to celebrate Christmas, with the exception of last year when we had an old-fashioned family gathering in Big Spring, Texas. Frankly, the whole thing has become far too over-hyped and commercial and incredibly LONG for me to enjoy it much. We haven’t even put up a tree in years. But for the last four or five years I’ve gotten into the habit, you might even call it a "tradition," of sending out a Christmas email. Because there seems no other rational way to treat the holiday these days except to satirize it, that’s what I’ve done. I’ve parodied "It’s a Wonderful Life," "A Christmas Carol," and written a short piece of fiction based on a character named Ferdinand Feghoot that used to appear in "The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction" in the ‘50s and ‘60s, one-pagers that always ended in a terrible pun ... and even managed to get it published in the December issue of "F&SF"! This year it’s "The Twelve Days of Christmas," which is on my list of the three Xmas songs I WISH THEY WOULD NEVER PLAY AGAIN on the radio. (The other two: "The Little Drummer Boy," and "The Chipmunk Christmas.") Let’s face it, this song is WAY out of date. Five golden rings are at least readily pawnable. But do you really have a burning need for maids a’milking? Geese a’laying? How long has it been since you ate a goose egg? And all those other damn birds. Do you have an aviary handy to keep them in? There’s also a mathematical problem involved. On the first day that True Love dude gives you a squab in a bush. The next day he gives you a couple of pigeons ... and ANOTHER partridge and ANOTHER pear tree. By the time the song is over you’ve got a good start on a pear orchard (and I don’t know about you, but I’ve got no place to plant them), a dozen partridges, 22 turtledoves, 30 French hens, 36 calling birds (parakeets? crows? macaws? It isn’t clear), 40 golden rings (hopefully with more than just diamond chips in the settings), 42 geese, 42 swans, 40 milkmaids, 36 drummers, 30 pipers, 22 dancing girls, and a dozen lords. LEAPING lords, for cryin’ out loud. Has anybody EVER had a use for a leaping lord, even when they WROTE this idiotic song? You got anything around the house that really needs to be leaped? And that’s a pretty damn big fife and drum corps. Where are they going to practice? Are you prepared to soundproof your garage? Enough. It is high time the song was updated to (1) avoid the repetition, and (2) give out some stuff people can actually USE. (Okay ... I’ll admit there are some things in these verses you wouldn’t want, but they were tossed in for satirical purposes. I warned you this was a satire, and satire can be a dangerous thing; sing it at your own risk.)
On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me: A high definition TV! ♪♪♪ On the second day of Xmas my true love sent to me: Two Game Boys, And virtual reality! ♪♪♪ On the third day of Xmas my true love sent to me: Three dig’tal cam’ras, Two floppy disks, And a dish from DirectTV! ♪♪♪ (At this point I figure True Love maxed out his credit cards, so the rest of the gifts are largesse from other groups, corporations, and institutions.) On the fourth day of Xmas Verizon gave to me: Four PDA’s, Three cell phones, Two Handi-cams, And a Palm Pilot just for me! ♪♪♪ On the fifth day of Xmas outdoorsmen sent to me: Five snowmobiles! Four ultra-lights, Three jet skis, Two motorbikes, And a new Honda ATV! ♪♪♪ On the sixth day of Xmas the NRA gave me: Six schoolhouse shootings, Five M-16s! Four Kalashnikovs, Three Tec-9s, Two Colt .45s, And a cartridge for an Uzi! ♪♪♪ On the seventh day of Xmas the networks gave to me: Seven stupid sitcoms, Six freeway chases, Five "Millionaires!" Four "Survivor" clones, Three cop shows, Two "Temptation Isles," And Rush Limbaugh’s hypocrisy! ♪♪♪ On the eighth day of Xmas the studios gave me: Eight slasher movies, Seven Star Wars sequels, Six Kung Fu kickers, Five "Halloweens"! Four Hogwarts films, Three "Kill Bills," Two "Matrix" flicks, And a handful of Oscar nominees! On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me: A high definition TV! ♪♪♪ On the ninth day of Xmas the athletes gave to me: Nine ‘boarders ‘boarding, Eight bungee jumpers, Seven in-line skaters, Six motocrossers, Five X-treme bikes! Four neck braces, Three hard hats, Two elbow pads, And a trip to Emergency! ♪♪♪ On the tenth day of Xmas the music world gave me: Ten rappers rapping, Nine hippers hopping, Eight Technos teching, Seven punkers punking, Six samplers sampling, Five MP3s! Four Walkman disks, Three head sets, Two Napster files, And some break dancers on MTV! ♪♪♪ On the eleventh day of Xmas from the auto industry: ‘Leven Hummers humming, Ten red Ferraris, Nine Lamborghinis, Eight Maseratis, Seven silver Lincolns, Six El Dorados, Five Firestone tires! Four hemi mills, Three dual carbs, Two fuzzy dice, And a tank truck of STP! ♪♪♪ On the twelfth day of Xmas the techies sent to me: Twelve spammers spamming, ‘Leven bloggers blogging, Ten chatters chatting, Nine pop-up killers, Eight hi-speed scanners, Seven CD burners, Six ink-jet printers, Five DVDs! Four gigabytes, Three web sites, Two laser lites, And a new laptop from HP! ♪♪♪ On the thirteenth day of Xmas ... I took most of it back and exchanged it for cash, because the givers had thoughtfully included the receipts! I did keep a ’56 El Dorado Caddy convertible and the fuzzy dice. Back to VarleyYarns or Home |
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