Ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod!!! We just heard the news! The greatest event of the millennium ... hell, probably the greatest event of all human history ... is coming to the Central Coast! The Michael Jackson trial will be produced, directed, and performed ... IN SANTA MARIA!! In case you didn’t know, that’s about fifteen minutes from where we live in Oceano! I’ve had to swallow a whole handful of Valium just to calm down enough to write this letter, and Lee is still jumping up and down screaming.

We knew, of course, that he lived around here, and we had thought of going and knocking at the gate of Neverland, just drop in, neighborly-like, and set a spell, but we realized we were both a bit old for his tastes. (Though at the rate he’s aging, I expect him to pass us both soon. )

Like all Americans, we were glued to the television the morning he surrendered himself in Santa Barbara, watched CNN and Fox and MSNBC’s continuous coverage, zooming in with helicopter shots of several private planes full of unsuspecting businessmen arriving before the right one touched down. We watched the cop cars and the SUV driving down the highway to the jail where he was booked, caught that precious glimpse of him moonwalking into the pokey in handcuffs. But we figured that when the trial came around it would be too far away for us to enjoy it except on television, and then mostly on the all-news channels. (Did you know that the "traditional" networks went on with their regular programming during the incredible drama of his arrival and booking? If you had been watching THEM, you might not even have known it was going on. I suggest you write an angry letter to all three of them.)

The citizens of Santa Maria seem to be delighted by all this. After all, Mikey was on trial here once before and the town filled up with media. You couldn’t get a hotel room. And that, by comparison, was like a parking ticket. This is a felony, in criminal court! Of course, the community will incur extra expenses, what with re-paving the main street (which happens to be called Broadway) with red carpet, buying herald trumpets and training cops to play fanfares, hiring flower girls to strew rose petals in Mikey’s path, and setting up a Jumbotron at the fairgrounds for those who can’t get into the courtroom. But they’ll be setting up a midway in the parking lot and figure to make a bundle selling cotton candy and thrill rides to the reporters.

Lee and I are not going to let this opportunity slip away. We intend to set up a tent on the courthouse lawn so we can be first in line every day for the few precious public seats in the courtroom. To defray the costs we’re setting up a non-profit corporation (honest, we won’t make a dime out of this, far be it from us to cash in on someone else’s misfortune) to fund an online service to be called the Michael Jackson News Network (MJNN). Yes, we know we’ll be in competition with the recently-announced Michael Jackson Channel, 24-hours-a-day devoted to the King of Pop, but we figure we’ll be able to bring our own unique slant to the story. For three easy payments of $19.95 (Visa, MC, Discover accepted, cash preferred) you’ll get daily updates on stories like these: