© 2003 by John Varley; all rights reserved

Have you heard about the new computer crisis? It’s called Y2K+4, and you’d better start protecting yourself right now. For reasons not entirely clear to me (but almost certainly the fault of Bill Gates), at midnight tonight computers will suddenly believe it is 1904, with potentially disastrous results. Experts are not entirely sure what all the effects will be, but there are some speculations:

You won’t be able to sign on to the internet unless your computer is equipped with a crank handle on the side. Then you’ll have to pick up the receiver and hold it to your ear while shouting "Operator! Operator! Give me long distance, please! PEnnsylvania 6, five thousand!"

Your MP3s will be useless, unless they contain material recorded before 1904. Expect that all your best rap, rock, swing, most of your jazz, and even your "golden oldies" will be erased and replaced by ragtime and selections from Gilbert & Sullivan operettas. Better get to work right now, as after midnight you will no longer be able to burn a CD, you’ll only be able to download to Edison cylinders. Same thing with any movies you may have pirated. You will soon find that the copy of "Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King" that you downloaded from Taiwan has now become a 60-second nickelodeon grinder called "What the Butler Saw."

Since the Wright brothers had their first flight only a month or so ago, you can forget about airline reservations. There will, however, be plenty of trains you can book a seat on, though unfortunately most of them no longer run.

And unless you turned 100 in 2003, you’re pretty much screwed. No veterans benefits for wars that haven’t been fought yet. Your birth certificate and passport will no longer be valid. All that money you had in the bank? It won’t be deposited for many years now. The possibilities are mind-boggling, as I’m sure you’ll see after thinking about it for only a few minutes. The good news, for those of you who might have committed crimes in the 1980s or '90s, is that your criminal records don’t exist yet. And Michael Jackson and Adam Sandler aren’t famous yet, so you don’t have to pay any attention to them.

Oh, sure, you say. Y2K was a big flop, and this will probably be the same. Well, all I can say is, better safe than sorry. You’ve been warned.

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