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The day after Halloween
has become a cross I have to bear each year, as the Xmas decorations
begin coming out in full force and you begin to hear nothing but the
same 500 Xmas standards endlessly recycled over the Muzak until
December 26. It’s a shame, because I used to love Christmas. But
every passing year has gnawed into my enjoyment, until I now have it
down to a few basics: I like to hear the
Messiah at least once, and
put on my CD of
Stan Freberg’s “Green
Chri$tma$,” that little masterpiece that predicted the
current holiday madness before it really got started ... though even
Stan couldn’t have known how gross it would really
get.
Just take a look at the early movies listed below. You’ll see that
the older ones are sweet and innocent, and celebrate the
old-fashioned joys of the season, just as I used to. I still like
them because I liked them way back when. But it’s tough for me to
like a new “heartwarming” Xmas movie now, as they are shoved down
your throat as relentlessly as Xmas sales themselves. The only
recent ones that come to mind are
Elf (marginal) and
Millions
(a true masterpiece.) There is even a sub-genre now of cynical Xmas
movies, and most of them suck. The reviews of
Christmas With the Kranks were so awful I knew
I’d never be able to stomach it. Same with
Eight Crazy Nights, possibly the only Hanukkah
movie ever made. I like my Xmas movies with a hard edge, but it has
to be a genuine hard edge, not just a plot device.
Inclusion on this list was arbitrary, as always, and I am the sole
judge and jury. Judge’s decision is prejudiced, and not subject to
appeal. I really wanted to include
French Connection, for instance, just for that
one scene where Gene Hackman as “Popeye” Doyle chases the scumbag
while wearing a Santa suit ... but that’s not enough. Not all the
movies are solely concerned with Xmas, but if it’s a large enough
element, and if it’s funny enough, I put it in.
A short prequel to the Xmas list:
It’s too late for Thanksgiving movies. I wish I’d thought of doing
this sooner, because though it’s a very small genre, there are a few
real gems. Here they are, save them up for next year:
And now on to the Xmas
list:
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It's a Wonderful Life
(1946) Love it or hate it, it’s the Granddaddy of all
Xmas movies. |
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Miracle on 34th Street
(1947) Is little Natalie Wood sweet, or what? |
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Scrooge (1951) The
best “Christmas Carol.” |
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White Christmas
(1954) Der Bingle! |
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Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
(1964) With Pia Zadora! Truly awful! |
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How the Grinch Stole Christmas!
(1966) (TV) Directed by the great Chuck Jones, lots better
than the Jim Carrey monstrosity. |
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A Christmas Story
(1983) First Xmas movie with a real edge to it. Sure, it’s
happy, but this is one wonderfully weird family. |
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Gremlins (1984)
Barely made the list, but what the heck? |
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One Magic Christmas
(1985) Creepy Harry Dean Stanton as an angel is what made
this work. I knew the director, Phil Borsos, so maybe I’m
prejudiced. |
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Nutcracker: The Motion Picture
(1986) Directed by Carroll Ballard, who I also worked with,
this is the version that originated in Seattle with costumes
by Maurice Sendak. |
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Blackadder's Christmas Carol
(1988) (TV) Blackadder is a sweet, generous man who
everybody takes advantage of, until one night he sees the
error of his ways ... |
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Scrooged (1988)
Doesn’t always work, but when it does, as in Mary Lou Retton
appearing as Tiny Tim ... |
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National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
(1989) Not quite as good as the first vacation movie, but
almost. |
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The War of the Roses
(1989) Not all Xmas, but the parts that are are about as
mean-spirited as it gets. |
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The Long Walk Home
(1990) One of the single most underplayed, heartbreaking
Xmas scenes I have ever seen. |
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Home Alone (1990) I
don’t like the little twit anymore, either, but I have to
remember that, 15 years ago, in this movie, he was
damn talented. |
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The Nightmare Before Christmas
(1993) Tim Burton. What can you say? |
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The Ref
(1994) A sleeper. If you haven’t seen it, you
must see this one. |
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Tokyo Godfathers
(2003) Japanese anime, and very well done. |
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Bad
Santa (2003) Maybe the best Xmas movie of
all time ... if you have grown to the point where you
hate all the bangles and carols and bullshit, and if
you like department store Santas who hate kids, piss
themselves, like to buttfuck fat ladies (“You won’t shit
right for a week!”), then rob the store on Xmas eve. |
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Elf
(2003) Teeters right on the edge of too sweet, and
falls over at the end, but almost succeeds in
capturing the good old days for over an hour. |
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Millions (2004) A flawless little gem. I
can’t recommend it too highly. |
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The Polar Express
(2004) Gets by mostly on the SFX, but what SFX! |
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May all your
stockings be filled with toes. Or candy, or healthy fruit, whichever
you prefer. Or coal, if you’re cold.
John
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