In the Name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful!
All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be
upon His Messenger!
Okay, did I get that right, Allah? I donít know You, but Iíve been
hearing a lot about You in recent years, much of it from people I
wouldnít invite to a dog fight lest the dogs run screaming from the
smell. But Iíve also heard from people who say You are merciful,
that Islam is not a warlike religion, and that the things a lot of
people have been doing in Your name are ďun-Islamic.Ē
Me, I donít know. I havenít read Your book. Gave it a shot, but it
was tough going, so I put it back on the shelf with my un-read
Bible. But I do know enough about the Bible to doubt the description
of the Christian God as a caring and loving deity. He wiped out
Sodom and Gomorrah with a heavenly
H-bomb, Al (can I call you Al?), and maybe they were sinners, but
how sinful can a six-year-old be? Or a fetus? Thereís no mention
that children were evacuated, the only guy who got out was
Lot, who tried to pimp his
daughters to a crowd of pederasts. The Christian God wiped them all
out, men, women, and children. Do you know the Dude, Al? Goes by the
name of Yahweh, Jehovah, or He-who-is-not-to-be-named (possibly when
Heís committing His crimes against humanity)? If you see Him hanging
around up there in the ether, tell Him Iíve got a few questions.
Anyway, maybe You are merciful. Maybe these guys who have been
invoking Your name are reading Your book wrong, like
Pat Robertson with the Bible. So I
figured it was worth a shot sending up this prayer.
I was going to write yesterday, but I decided it was better to leave
that as a National Day of Mourning for all the dead. But itís 9/12
now, and in my book thatís a pretty good time for a National Day of
Being Pissed Off. Really, really pissed off.
Four years and a day ago, 19 men, 15 of them from Saudi Arabia but
all of them devout Muslims, flew four airplanes into the World Trade
Center, the Pentagon, and the ground. Here are their names:
Satam Al Suqami
Ahmed Al Haznawi
Ziad Samir Jarrah
I donít have their
Social Security numbers but you can see their faces
here. To get to their mugshots you
have to scroll down through a lot of pictures of what they did. You
might find them of interest.
What Iím saying here, Al, is that these guys shouldnít get into
Paradise. Just as simple as that. I wouldnít even bother with
telling You about it, but I donít know what Your security
arrangements are in Muslim Paradise, and ... well, you know, we
thought we had pretty good security down here, and these 19 assholes
still managed to get by the FAA, the FBI, the CIA, the NSA, the
police, airport security, and the whole Bush administration. (Okay,
I know that last one was easy enough, getting by those brainless
twits, but I just thought Iíd mention it.) And I recently had
occasion to pray to
St. Peter, the dude in charge of
security in the Christian Heaven, and I was shocked to discover he
was about to admit
William Rehnquist. Apparently Pete
hadnít even read his own book of sins! We got that straightened out,
Rehnquist went straight to hell. But the thought of these 19
partying down in Paradise makes me sick.
So check out the website, Al. Almost 3000 people dead, and none of
them did anything to anybody. And if, through some clerical error,
You admitted them to Paradise, 86 them now while You can still plead
it was a mistake, and hold Your head up high at the next Jamboree of
the Gods, or whatever You Guys and Gals call it. Take away their
dream palaces, the great food, the 70 virgin babes. Send them
straight to Hell.
And if you have any influence there, Iíd suggest you start out by
pickling them in pig urine for a few thousand years. Boiling pig
urine. Then, maybe ... oh, I donít know, how about afflicting them
with a gigantic appetite, and sending them someplace where thereís
nothing to eat but pork, ham, and bacon.
Sorry for the lack of imagination here, Al. All I really know about
what your religion holds to be awful and disgusting is the business
about swine, something you and the Jewish God have in common. But I
figure that, merciful though You may be, You are a God, You Guys are
a bloody-minded bunch, and You can think of something suitable for
these guys. If Your imagination fails You, consult some of Your
fellow Deities. Ask that Guy who punished
Zeus, I think His name was. Chained
the guy to a mountain and had an eagle peck out his liver every day
for 30,000 years. Something along those lines, only a lot more
painful and for a lot longer.
And if thereís any way You can arrange for it to be shown on
television 24/7, I think that would be good, too. Maybe You can make
an arrangement with
Fox. Meantime, Iíll get in contact
with Jehovah again and see if He canít visit some sore afflictions
on the Christian haters, like Robertson, Falwell,
OíReilly. You know who they are, theyíve been
bad-mouthing You for a long time.
I ask this in the spirit of peace, Allah, O great one, in the hope
that if people see there are consequences in the afterlife to their
acts of hatred, maybe theyíll stop.
If there arenít any consequences ... well, fuck You.