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When the
government writes new rules, somebody gets fucked. |
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You can
stick a cigarette lighter or a book of matches up your ass, if
that’s your bag. |
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I am not
standing up here for “smoker’s rights.” |
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If anyone
can demonstrate to me how banning lighters without banning matches
will make air travel safer, I’ll write a 200-word essay expounding
on what an asshole I am. |
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Little old
ladies were injured in the mad dash, children trampled. |
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There’s some TV comic
who makes lists of new rules. I can’t remember
his name. These are things
we should stop doing, and they’re funny, mostly.
When actual new rules are written, they are most often written by
Congress, or some part of the Executive Branch, and though they are
often funny, lots of times many people don’t laugh. That’s because,
usually, when the government writes new rules, somebody gets fucked.
Just today
Congress wrote a new rule concerning bankruptcy that not many
poor or middle class people will laugh at, though there’s a lot of
chuckling in
banks and at credit card companies.
But I’m not here to talk about that. That’s a great, big, stupid new
rule, and I’m just not up to taking on great, big, stupid new rules.
Fuck it. What good would it do? What I’m up to, at the moment, is
puzzling over little bitsy stupid new rules, and one of those went
into effect today.
Everybody knows we’re in the middle of a great big War on Terror.
The most recent fronts in that war have been the
Canadian
and Mexican borders. Next year, Canadians and Mexicans entering
the country will have to show passports to get in, and Americans
will have to show passports to get back in. Nobody has
explained to me why that’s going to make us any safer, but hey, if
it makes things a little more inconvenient right across the board,
that’s got to be a good thing, right? But that’s a great big new
rule, it’s going to have huge economic consequences. Screw it.
No, the new rule I’m thinking of concerns air travel. It seems it’s
not safe enough, in this post 9/11 world. The great thinkers at
Homeland Security
have already protected us from people carrying pocketknives and
scissors onto airplanes. Here’s the new rule:
Stuff you can’t take onto an airplane:
Kitchen matches.
Cigarette lighters.
Things you can take onto an airplane:
4 books of safety matches.
Now, I really need some help here. I’ve been raking my brain—a much
more painful process than either racking or wracking—and I haven’t
been able to come up with many things you can do with a cigarette
lighter that you can’t do with a book of matches. You can easily
throw a lighter or a book of matches. You can put either item into
your mouth, thought I wouldn’t recommend eating them. Neither item
will fit in your ear. You can stick a cigarette lighter or a book of
matches up your ass, if that’s your bag.
Oh, wait a minute. This ban probably has to do with starting
fires. But the funny thing is, you can light the fuse to the
bomb in your shoe, as that pathetic mope
Richard
Reid tried to do, with either thing. And how about this:
Things the new rules don’t address:
Flint and steel.
Magnifying glasses.
Two sticks and a Boy Scout.
Surely someone will soon make a new rule regarding these items soon.
Confession: I am a smoker. Don’t lecture me about it, please. I am
fully aware how stupid and filthy the habit is, and you could not
possibly heap more abuse on me than the self-loathing I already feel
at my inability to kick it. And I am not standing up here for
“smoker’s rights.” I don’t believe in smokers rights,
I support non-smoker’s rights not to have smoke blown
into their faces. I fully understand that tobacco smoke is the most
toxic substance known to mankind, that 50 million Americans die
every year from
second-hand smoke (more than die from actual smoking, oddly
enough), that tobacco smoke is largely responsible for the depletion
of the
ozone layer, the vanishing rain forests,
global
warming, and
el nino.
I’m sorry, okay? I’ll take another crack at quitting
one of these days, maybe by substituting something harmless, like
heroin.
And this isn’t really about smoking, it’s about lighters, and
airplane safety, and logic.
I don’t spend a millisecond worrying about airplane safety. Before
9/11, after 9/11, it’s all the same to me. I sleep like a baby on
airplanes, secure in the knowledge that, if something goes wrong,
either (A) the pilot will handle it, or (B) I will die very quickly,
without much time to suffer. Never give it a moment’s thought,
honest to god. In fact, the government and the airlines have now
made air travel so safe that I’m afraid to fly. I’m not afraid of
terrorists, or engines falling off planes, or crash landings. I’m
afraid of the incredible amount of time it takes to get on
a plane these days. I’ve only flown once since 9/11, and the
experience was so harrowing and lengthy I haven’t flown since. I’d
prefer to drive to New York. Hell, I’d prefer to drive to Hawaii.
I’m sure it’s tough for you non-smokers, too, but you may not have
any idea how tough it is for us poor addicts. From the moment you
walk into the terminal to the moment you walk out of the terminal at
your destination, you can’t smoke. I haven’t been to an airport
recently, but the last time I was at
PDX Portland there was one
small smoking area. It was all the way out at the end of the
international terminal, totally glassed in, and swept by an exhaust
system powerful enough to pull your hair straight up toward the
ceiling. I imagine it was cleaned up every night by janitors in
hazmat suits.
This tiny room was provided only because of many complaints by Asian
passengers from places where they aren’t yet as stringent about
smoke as Americans are. I’d bet that even that room is gone now.
And that’s okay. I accept it. I just don’t fly unless it’s a life or
death situation.
I’m not saying this new rule is going to be a huge danger, or upset
international relations like the Canadian and Mexican business. But
has anyone really thought it through? I’m not opposed to new rules,
per se, but I sometimes wish people would take a look to see if the
benefits outweigh the harm. New rules just about always have
unexpected effects. Does anyone really understand what it all means?
I think I’ve presented a pretty convincing argument that banning
lighters without banning matches is ... what’s a polite way to put
it? Fuckheaded? Works for me. If anyone can demonstrate to me how
banning lighters without banning matches will make air
travel safer, I’ll write a 200-word essay expounding on what an
asshole I am. (This present essay doesn’t count toward that total.)
Has there been an epidemic of exploding lighters that I’m unaware
of? Are people releasing clouds of deadly butane into airline
cabins? Are terrorists slitting throats with those little spark
wheels? Replacing the flints with tiny amounts of dynamite? Tell me,
please.
As for unexpected effects ...
I don’t carry book matches. They’re sort of ... well, tacky. My
friend,
Spider, back in
his smoking days, used to carry a
Zippo
in a custom leather case on his belt. Now, that’s stylish. Not my
style, but cool. I carry a butane lighter. Not a Bic, a 69-cent
generic lighter assembled by eight-year-old slave labor in Tibet,
probably. Try to board an airplane with one of those and what’s the
worst that could happen? I’m out 69 cents. But what about Spider,
and the many people who carry custom Zippos? Some people carry
lighters made of gold, or jeweled lighters. All confiscated at the
gate, or you have to find a post office at the airport and mail it
to yourself. Who gets the confiscated ones? The FAA, that’s who.
You can’t even carry it in your checked luggage. No kidding!
Apparently that rule has been around for years, and I’ve been
breaking the law without even knowing it, which pisses
me off, since if I’m breaking the law I’d like the satisfied feeling
that comes with knowing you’re breaking the law. You can declare a
gun and put it in checked luggage, but you can’t carry a lighter.
Are lighters going off in baggage holds and bringing down airplanes?
I know a
gun
in checked baggage did go off a while ago, and the bullet went
right through the floor and injured somebody.
Banning smoking on airplanes was undoubtedly a good thing, but it
did have one unexpected side effect. Before, we smokers could
usually wait patiently as the passengers deplaned, lighting up the
second we were off the jetway. We were seated in the back of the
plane, after all, no use pushing and shoving. Then they eliminated
smoking on board, and the rush was on. Little old ladies were
injured in the mad dash, children trampled. It could get ugly.
Then they banned smoking in airports, and other passengers quickly
learned to get out of the way on the concourses as we made a mad
dash for the outdoors. You’d see old guys with oxygen masks
out-sprinting
OJ Simpson, and throwing blocks like a
Heisman Trophy winner.
Now some poor souls are going to arrive outside in the freezing
sleet and blowing hail, pat their pockets, and realize they don’t
have a light! So here comes a furtive guy in a filthy trench coat:
“Psst! Señor! Over here. You wanna light, señor? I gotta Bic here,
hardly used, only feefty dollah, for you, because you my frien’!”
And of course he’ll gladly pay.
And who do you think that guy is? He’s from the
FAA!
Now it all becomes clear ...
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