| |
Friends, I’m not
Catholic, but I think it’s time for us to all pray for Pope John
Paul II. I know, considering my frequently expressed views about
religion, this probably comes as a surprise. But I think it would be
a great tragedy if this man dies before his time. I’m not good at
this, I’m way out of practice, but I’ll give it a try.
Ahem ...
Heavenly Father, please look out for this first non-Italian Pontiff
in 450 years, Karol Wojtyla, also known as Ioannes Paulus PP. II,
possibly because nobody but a Pole could pronounce his real name.
You have already, in your wisdom, inflicted grievous sicknesses upon
him. He has Parkinson’s Disease, a bullet hole in his body, and a
bad case of the flu. He’s not breathing or talking very well. He
drools. He sits there under his funny hat looking like he’s
collapsing into his robes. His downhilling, roller-blading, and
skateboarding days are obviously over ... and yet, his quality of
life is not the question here, is it?
Please grant, oh God, that he live for a long, long, long time yet.
With proper medical care he could last another fifty years, easy.
Grant, oh God, that when his liver gives out that a matching donor
can be found. We pray that when his kidneys stop functioning, that
he be hooked up to a dialysis machine to clean the Holy Urine. When
his breathing falters, we beseech thee that a ventilator be shoved
down the papal epiglottis to ease that burden. Please see that he is
hooked up to IVs to provide him nourishment when his digestive
system packs it in, including some provision for administering
powdered communion host mixed with wine. If the doctors can’t find a
vein, please provide that they put a feeding tube into him. Please
see to it that the Holy Shit is regularly removed from the papal
colostomy bag.
And should the pontiff get ingrown toenails and infection from same,
and a nagging case of shingles or catarrh ...
Let him survive, oh
Lord!
Should the Holy Father suffer a Biblical plague of boils, chancres,
pustules, impetigo, psoriasis, eczema, or unsightly zits ...
Let him survive, oh
Lord!
Should the papal willie wither and fall off and the holy testes and
prostate suffer from cancerous tumors so that they must be removed
such that he no longer resembles the Body of Christ and thus,
technically, would not be eligible for the priesthood ...
Let him survive,
oh Lord!
Should rheumatoid or osteoarthritis cause his knee to buckle and his
hands to contract into claws, and should he should suffer epileptic
fits or contract leprosy or hepatitis from a transfusion ...
Let him survive,
oh Lord!
Should his legs and arms become gangrenous and have to be amputated,
and his tongue swell from a bad drug reaction so that he cannot
speak and tell his nurses where to scratch that annoying spot on his
back that he can no longer reach ...
Let him survive,
oh Lord!
Should he be plagued by recurring nightmares of abuse at the hands
of priests in Poland during his childhood, or conceive in his addled
mind that he is being haunted by the shrieking ghosts of women who
died in abortion butchery, so that his mind is sorely confused and
he contemplates ending his life to stop his suffering ...
Let him survive,
oh Lord!
For we know You have placed all these things on Your good green
Earth for a purpose, and that purpose is to test us, and that
suffering in Your holy name is good for us.
And when the pontiff flatlines, oh Lord, please protect him from
those tools of Satan (many of whom will be dressed in red robes and
call themselves the “College of Cardinals”) who might seek to turn
off the life support machines, espousing the theologically spurious
argument that your Holy Church cannot function with a supreme leader
with the IQ of a Brussels sprout. Life is precious, oh Lord, do not
let them use political expediency to take the life of this man who
is as innocent as a fetus. Guard and protect him until he reaches
the point where his life can only be saved by stem-cell research ...
then wake him up and let him live for a few days.
We ask you humbly, oh Lord, having faith in your infinite mercy.
Amen
Back to
VarleyYarns or
Home
|
|